If a Tree Falls
by Mylifewithedward
Summary: Bella is a confused and frustrated teenager living in a small town with her over protective father. Her world is turned upside down when the Cullens arrive in town, bringing with them their son Edward, just expelled from a prestigious school. LEMONS!
1. Chapter 1

October...

I am Bella and I am 17. I have been seventeen awhile... well exactly 11 months and 29 days... tomorrow is my 18th birthday and I am so pissed off that I am still a fucking virgin I would almost go straight into school tomorrow and proposition that Newton asshole just to get it over with already.

I hate being a virgin. It is the most ridiculous state. The only thing I hate more than still being a virgin is people who think there is some holy grail to it. Holding onto some whimsical idea of purity because you haven't let some guy stick his body into yours and jig around for a while.

I mean come on. I am dying to let some guy stick his body into me and jig around for a while. 'Cause I've seen the movies man... and it looks fucking great! I want some of that action. Something to liven up the boring freeze-your-ass-right-off days approaching with winter in Forks.

God damn Forks, what a motherfucking pain in my hole. I moved down here a couple years ago, after my mom (who had given up her get-drunk-get-laid years to me) met a truly nice man and deserved a bit of carefree happiness. So it was knock knock daddy!

My dad is Charlie, and he is the chief of police here in Forks. That just makes my urge to fuck even more difficult since most of the guys my age would rather eat their own shit than piss off Chief Swan.

I need myself an out-of-towner.

Fudding myself (to quote Kate Winslet) just isn't enough anymore and I hadn't a credit card to order anything plastic and motor powered. The shower head had come in useful a few times, but it was a long process and water can never give you that hard action that I just knew a dick could.

I just knew it. I wanted it. I wanted a proper fuck and I wanted it now.

Our fucking lame ass town is so fucking small that we don't fill our side of the stadium at football matches even when every single motherfucking civilian is attending. 3124 people.

Half of em are over 50, and a quarter of them are under 10... the other quarter are either married or illegal and so I am left with, and I have counted, a grand total of single 150 guys within my age range.... but being a small town, half of them are already paired up, and with 1 in 3 men being gay... it is a shit position. And I don't want my first fuck to be with just anyone, not any smushy shit here though, I just want him to be hot and hard and good to go. No fumbling I don't know what I'm doing, no whimpers or, god fucking forbid, tears, I just want a fuck.

Hard, fast, whatever. I want it.

So I'll just go to school every day, continue to fudd myself stupid every damn night and generally just get through this semester and graduate. Then I will get the fuck out of here and throw myself at the first available sexy guy and basically get myself laid.


	2. Chapter 2

_**June**_

_I haven't written in here in a while. I should really update and I have some time on my hands today._

_Yes I have finally done it so lets put that one to bed right away. I have screwed and screwed since last we spoke. It has been months to rival years in casanovas life, and will go down in the best of the best of mine._

_Of course you want to hear all about it._

_And so, in tradition, I better start at the beginning._

_My poxy 18th birthday passed like a fucking ship or whatever analogy is the most cliched because thats what it was - a fucking cliche._

_Charlie got me - guess what - a fucking truck, so old it is cool as fuck but he doesn't know that, he just didn't want me to write off a new car and be paying it back out of my college fund. A big old red chevrolet and I looked totally cute in it. Looked cute... I don't have that truck anymore but I'll get to that story later._

_My friends got me stupid presents, although Jessicas went down a treat - "secret touch - the pocket vibrator for the modern woman" was meant to be a jokey gift but its the one I got most use of. I nearly grew skin over the fucking thing it was in me so often. A poor mans dick though, the vibrator. There is something so... unsatisfactory about masturbation... the lack of surprise I suppose. From my spin-the-bottle days back in Phoenix I knew the thrill of putting yourself in anothers hands. I'd only got to over the clothes groping but I had loved that feeling of 'where will they go next' and the yearning of 'a little to the left' that cranked the passion to another level._

_My mom, bless her, sent me a diary - this one - and as you know, I only got one entry in before everything flipped reverse and I lost the will to do anything other than fudd myself and stare at the fucking rock star who waltzed into this town and took over my world._

_Edward Cullen. The name alone sends my clit into tiny spasms._

_Edward fucking Cullen._


	3. Chapter 3

I took my truck to school the next morning, enjoying the freedom and quiet. Such a change from the bus, with all the assholes throwing shit and sticking gum everywhere like a scene from Ferris fucking Bueller. I hated it.

So it was a great start to the day, hopping into 'Big Red' as I'd nicknamed my truck the night before, and driving along, window open enjoying the cold cold air on my face. The truck kinda talked as it drove, it was so old and it groaned on corners and clanked in the gear changes, but I enjoyed the company without company, if you get me.

Into the car park, choosing a nice open spot, hoping the sun would heat the seats in my absence. Nothing like an icy seat to ruin all the hot thoughts that were usually running through my mind on my way home from anywhere. Today, I didn't doubt, was no exception.

I clocked the black mercedes as I drove in and as I hopped down out of my cab, I noticed Dr Cullen and his wife huddled around the open back door of the car. As I walked along, I kinda tipped up on my toes to get a better look but all I could see was a shock of bronzey brown hair. Under the door I spied a pair of battered black converse. There was a new boy in town. If it could have, I bet my clit would have whistled.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay so school was, as it always is, a royal pain in my ass. Maths was like a childs wooden mallet being rhythmically thumped against my temple, Mr Martinis voice droning on and on about absolutely fucking nothing made me wish I was dead more than once, and that bell was like a fucking lottery ring when the pissing thing finally rang.

I scooted past Jessica Stanley who had attempted a girly dialogue via pink post it notes during the class and had only pissed off when I replied to her "Have you a dress yet for prom and who are you asking?" with a Fuck You. She got on my nerves, the little slut, a)because of her inane chatter about fucking random shit and b) because I knew for a fact the bitch was fucking half the football team.

True I could probably have fucked half the football team but I wanted sex like the movies not a quick sticky hump behind a bush that would be spattered all over the walls of the mens john by morning.

English was tolerable, just because I like Mrs Madden with her dyed black hair and ridiculous make up. Behind that "beauty school drop out" facade there was a woman who really knew how to bring a book to life. This year we were reading Silas Marner and she lifted the old world language and made it ours, stirring the story in our minds and playing it out, in her soft melodic voice, like a soap opera.

French was ridiculous, the new teacher, the fucking infant herself Ms Tenrey, was being patronising and obnoxious and I just couldn't sit there being talked to like that by someone who was practically my own age. The woman was an asshole and about ten minutes in I just upped and walked out. I kinda enjoyed the noise she made after me.... like a 'Uh BellComeba....' all mixed in with a snorty cough. Fucking idiot.

I just bolted for the door. I'd tell Charlie later that I got my period and it was leaking all over me. That'd close the door on any lecture. I knew from experience that my father was dumbed completely by any reference to me having organs let alone female ones.

The door was closed as I ran for it, putting my hand out to shove it, getting my body behind my arm for maximum impact and then suddenly it wasn't there anymore. My hand hit a face. Oh. Fuck.

"Shit Dr Cullen.... oh shit sir, I'm sooo sorry" I knelt down where he'd just sorta folded up onto his hunkers holding his nose.

"Any blood?" He asked me, looking through his hands with twinkling eyes.

"Oh sir I don't know, let me..." I pulled his hand away a little from his nose, "no no blood sir...."

He stood up gingerly, feeling his nose with his fingers.

"Oh thank god" He said, grimacing, "No break. I have smashed this shnoz so many times, I am surprised it is still on my face"

I burst out laughing, half because he used the word "shnoz" and half because I was so relieved that he was okay, partly because I wasn't up for any drama and partly because I really liked Dr Cullen. My history with him was random, just a few colds as a kid and a broken arm when I was seven during my 'dad time' vacations. He had always been so nice to me back then.

"Bella Swan?" He looked at me quizzically, "It is you!"

"Hi Dr Cullen" I smiled. There was a pause which had potential to become awkward so I quickly jumped in, "what are you here for? you've no kids here"

Dr Cullen was still feeling along the bridge of his nose so I waited for a minute.

"Actually" He said when he was done, "Edward is enrolling here today, you remember Edward?"

"No" I shook my head "Edward. Don't remember him"

"Oh" Dr Cullen seemed a bit disappointed, "Well I suppose he has been at a different school all this time, but you were in kindergarten together for a while"

"Oh" I said, remembering the little desks all in a row, the ant farm, the nice teacher who would cuddle you if you fell, the smell of stale milk from the bin.

"I'm picking him up now" Dr Cullen stated, "He has been visiting with the Dean, do you need a lift Bella?"

I shook my head and pointed toward my truck, "I'm good thanks"

Without an awkward silence, I backed off, "Bye Dr Cullen, and sorry again for the nose thing"

"No problem Bella!" The doctor said as he swung back the door, "See you!"

I turned away and walked toward my truck, then hearing the doctor speaking again but not to me, "Ah there you are! How did you get on then?"

I turned around. That must be Edward. Fuck. Hottie.

He brushed by his father and walked briskly to their car.

"Just get me the fuck out of here" He growled.

I caught his eye.

He stared me down for a split second then as his father remotely unlocked the car, he dropped his head and disappeared behind the tinted windows.

I stood watching as they drove out of the car park, my cheeks reddening with the absolute certainty that from behind those fucking windows Edward Cullen was fucking watching me back.


	5. Chapter 5

Yeah he was in school the next few days. Always sitting by himself. Always looking down, kicking shit as he walked by. One seriously angry motherfucker. Word got round he had been expelled from his previous school. Sebs. St Sebastians Catholic School for Young Men. A complete prick-hole institution.

He was a good looking kid. In fact I doubted I had ever in my whole life seen someone that good looking in the flesh. Tall, with broad shoulders that threatened to bust his flimsy tee-shirt. Under that shirt I suspected was one of those old school torsos. You know, not one of those rippling David Beckham six pack deals, but the real thing, a natural muscular body. His skin was pale and white, porcelain, with the faintest scattering of freckles on his forearms.

Then there was his face. Threatening in its perfection, it was hard to look away if you plucked up the courage to take it in. He was fucking unbelievable. The new boy in town, the possible first screw of my life, was way out of my league - I knew it, my only hope was that he did not.

His jaw was angular with little angry twitching muscles along it, sexy as hell. Then his nose, straight, with gently flaring nostrils when he breathed in. I cannot describe his mouth, just perfect will do. He has a habit of biting his lip when he is thinking and my good fuck it would send any woman into ribbons. The guy makes me want to take my clothes off just by looking at me, and whatever fucking shampoo or shower gel he uses is so fucking delicious when the guy sits within ten feet of me I get so wet that walking around makes me chafe.

And...oh fuck...his eyes, half closed most of the time, dreamy but then when he wanted to he would give you this look like he hated you and wanted you at the same time, it wasn't just me, I'd seen him do it to others even teachers. His nostrils would flare, his jaw would tighten and those fucking eyes would darken like a stormy sky. You could almost hear the thunder rumble.

Yes, I am being poetic, and you may wonder how the fuck I can describe this guy in so much detail. I know his face real well, a)I've been getting off on the memory of his visage for months now and b) there have been occasions where its been less than an inch from my own face so I guess I would be quite an expert.

Edward fucking Cullen. Fuck me sideways, do me whatever way you want. Just do me and do me now.

The man is my god.


	6. Chapter 6

Okay so to the me being fucked story. Yeh well as I said before this Edward Cullen motherfucker was so far out of my league I'd have needed a hot air balloon to even look at the guy. However I had read a few bits and pieces that had led me to believe that there was a big possibility that Edward Cullen did not realise he was a god. So i could very well get this creature of eden to fuck me, if I played it right.

Biology was the first class of the day on a friday and this particular day I was about ten minutes late. I blundered through the door carrying my books and smacked straight into the teacher, dropping my books everywhere, papers, pencils, everywhere. Newton jumped up to help me, a disgusting oozing zit on the tip of his nose that made me want to barf and the greasey forehead brushed my hand as he bent over, i thought I might puke. He handed me my books and gave me this geeky smile. I knew he fancied me, he'd asked me out enough times. Fucking dope made me sick. That gawky awkward stare on me all the time.

My usual seat was taken, some exchange student. So I glanced around the room and fucking BINGO! The empty chair right beside Edward Cullen seemed to take on an angelic glow and a choir Aaaaaahed in my fucking head with delight.

I slammed my books onto the table and muffled a thanks when he pulled my chair out for me. Mannerly.

I plonked down and glanced at him. His hair fell over his forehead and he was scratching something into the desk. I peered over his hand. FUCK THIS was his graffiti.

"Hi" He suddenly spoke, surprising me with how friendly the tone was, "I'm Edward Cullen, remember me? You're Bella"

"Yeh...Uh..." I replied, "No I don't remember you sorry, uh we were in Kindy together though right?"

"Yup" he nodded, "you peed on me"

I looked down at my book, and blushed.

"What?" I widened my eyes and looked back at him, "Seriously?"

"Yup" He laughed, "don't worry Bella, its been the basis of every fantasy I've had since!"

I reddened even further. This guy was freaky? Fuck maybe I was out of my depth here!

He leaned in, "Elle. Oh. Elle." He said, deadpan.

I looked at him as quizzically as I could.

"I'm not a freak" He said, and his eyes were laughing, "I just mean that... uh... I saw your-" he gestured to my crotch, "-and I think that was my first hard-on"

Holy FUCK. What the hell was this? A conversation like this usually only took place in my head.

"How fucking old were we?" I said noticing he flinched on the expletive.

"About 5 I suppose"

"And why did I fucking piss on you?" I lowered my voice, the thoughts of being overheard surpassing my usual rebellious nature.

"I don't remember" He coughed a laugh, "I just remember you were standing on a chair, and I was lying so my legs were under it, and you pissed on me... probably some game we were playing or something"

I just stared at him. Why didn't I remember this?

"Are you sure it was me?" I hoped in vain.

"Yup" He nodded once,"Bella Swan. The girl who peed on me"

"Shit" I said through my teeth, that was my edward fuck gone anyway.

"Hey don't be weird about it" He tapped the table with his pen, "Its my favorite memory"

The bell rang. I hopped out of my seat and ran for it.


	7. Chapter 7

Edward caught up with me just as I reached my truck.

"Hey hey' He said grabbing my arm, "What the fuck? Jesus why are you fucked off?"

"Oh no I'm not" I said, "I'm just late for something..."

"No you're not" He said matter of factly, "You're fucking annoyed cos I remember you peed on me and that is so ridiculous - we were five!"

"I'm not annoyed" I stated.

"Fine" He said, "Jesus we were five! I think its hilarious, it was the first fucking time I even realised girls were different and... fuck its funny dude"

"I'm not annoyed" I said again, and opened the door of my truck, "see you"

I hopped in, started the engine, and drove away without looking at him again. I was so pissed off I wanted to keep driving. Fuck it. So much for my seduction plan. Bella Swan the girl who pissed her pants in Kindy AND all over the sexiest dude in town to boot. Fuck it. FUCK IT. He'd hardly shag me now. I was now not only just okay looking but I was incontinent and that was hardly shag material now was it.

BALLS.

I slammed any door I passed through for the rest of the day, which eventually brought Charlie to my room.

"Everything okay?" He asked carefully, leaning on the doorframe.

"Yep" I said through my teeth.

"A boy hasn't upset you?" He straightened up, and I could see 'kill mode' in his eyes.

As if I'd tell you, I thought, "No Dad"

"Okay... well you're okay then"

"Yep I'm fine" I rubbed my eyes and pushed my hair back into a ponytail.

"Night then" Charlie said pulling the door shut behind him.

I threw myself face down into my comforter and screamed as quietly as I could. This was painful, yes painful, I was so sick and tired of fudding myself sore every fucking night. I just wanted to get a dick and take this frustration out on it. I knew that it would be so satisfying to just plunge a hot hard cock into me, that I would rock back and forth on it until the tension built in my clit and then spread out across my legs in spasms of utter bliss. I'd had hundreds of orgasms, but this would be different. This would be tangible, in taste and touch. It would have so many dimensions. I was hot thinking about it and shoved my hand into my pants. The images flashed through my mind as they normally did when I masturbated, but something was different. I stopped. Shit.

Where my usual fantasies revolved mostly around a dick and a faceless blur of a man, this fantasy had taken a different route. In my mind, as my own fingers rubbed hard on my clit, the dick was attached to a pale and freckled abdomen, that led up to a wall of a chest and strong broad shoulders, ligaments standing out on a porcelain neck, a stubbley hard jaw and the perfect glaring face of Edward Cullen. I orgasmed, rocking into my own hand desperately as the sensation died away and I was left gasping, face down in the comforter.

Shit. This was different. Good, amazing, but different.

I'd never involved an actual person in my fantasy but my subconcious obviously had different ideas. I'd just have to go with it.


	8. Chapter 8

So I'd always hated the lack of words to describe female masturbation. I mean men had so many, and I suppose I could have hijacked any of them, but they just didn't cut it. Wanking, Jerking or Jacking off etc had conotations of releasing something from something, which is the essence of solo sex for men. A womans orgasm however was a much more internal thing, and so the only term I'd come to like was fudding which I'd heard Kate Winslet use in the extras tv show. Before that I just refered to masturbation as getting off. Men really had a long list to choose from depending on the mood, they could have a wank - which was a description which, to me, described something to fill a spare hour. They could jack off, which was more a momentary compulsion, fulfilling a need. They could spank the monkey, pull the plum, bang the hammer.... There was so many different types of wanking, and different reasons behind each.

However for me, at the moment, all of my wanks or fudds or whatever were driven from one need. The need to fuck the ass off Edward Cullen. I thought I was desperate to fuck before Cullen rocked into town, but now I was desperate to fuck_ him_.

There was a weekend between the whole piss story and then seeing Edward again and I spent it mostly face down on my bed. I was so fricking horny I could have humped the leg of the couch. I tried to distract myself by reading various books but I would end up staring into space thinking about Edward and ending up sliding my hand onto my crotch, using the seam of my jeans to press into my clit and getting off without even dropping the book.

Monday morning I pulled on the tightest skinny jeans I own, and my bashed up biker boots that I'd inherited from my mother. A tight v neck black teeshirt with a padded bra. My hair up in a knot at the crown of my head and my big sheepskin jacket that just skimmed my hip bones. I wanted my ass on view. I needed to fuck Edward Cullen so I thought that putting my ass out there might be one way to put me into his head in _that_ way.

Into school, a few classes and we were sitting a few desks apart. I swear I could hear him glaring at me but I didn't even turn around.

Midway through the class (I was so preoccupied with trying to think about something other than sex with Cullen that I couldn't even tell you what lesson it was) I registered a folded piece of paper land on my desk. I opened it cautiously between the pages of my book.

**_I've remembered why you were on the chair._**

That was all it said.

I turned in my seat and glared at Edward, mouthing Fuck off. He smiled. His teeth were straight and white.

Another fucking note.

**_You were showing me your underpants._**

I turned in my chair. Fuck you, I mouthed, mentally warning myself not to be too hard or I would never get to make him hard. So I ended that request with a raised eyebrow and just a flicker of a smile.

Another note.

**_Are you still wearing the same ones??_**

I thought it over. Then I scribbled a response and watching the teacher, flicked the note to Edward with my fingers.

_**No I am not. I don't wear underpants.**_

I turned in my chair to look at his reaction and the fucker had the biggest grin on his face. He nodded and coughed a little laugh.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

Fuck me, we were fucking flirting. I may just get to fuck this god after all.

The bell went and I stayed in my seat, I wanted him to pass first, I wanted to be cool and not bothered.

Suddenly I felt breath on the back of my neck and before I could turn I felt it. I knew it was Cullen even before his ass passed me.

Edward Cullen had just bitten me. On the neck. Not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to know it was a bite.

The fucker just sailed out of the class then without even a look behind him.

He bit me. And with that action it became clear. The fucker wanted to fuck me. I was going to get fucked. By Edward fucking Cullen.

Oh. Happy. Day.


	9. Chapter 9

I sat outside at recess. The sun was out for once and everyone was taking full advantage. I couldn't help looking around for Cullen. There was no sign. Jessica Stanley sat her skinny ass up on the table beside where I sat and stared at me until I looked up.

"What?" I asked, my voice without intonation.

"Hi Bells" She said, turning her pointy chin toward the sun. As if any ray would make it through that thick dirty looking fake tan, "Having a good day?"

I grimaced, "What do you want Stanley?" I huffed, slamming my book shut and glaring.

"You seem friendly enough with the new boy" She said in a matter of fact way that made me want to punch her fucking pointy nose through her pointy face.

"What new boy?"

She laughed. Ugh. "Edward of course!" She said and looked me straight in the face, "The biggest hotty this town has seen since Paul Newman took a wrong turn in 1965"

I stared at her, my face without expression, "What about him?"

"I want you to give him my number please" She pulled a folded piece of paper out of her bra, ugh, and handed it to me.

I opened it and had to stifle the laughter when I saw it was a printed picture of Jessica in her cheerleader outfit holding a card with her number written in huge black numbers across it.

"Are you fucking serious?" I asked, a huge smile playing across my face and I fought the urge to point and laugh.

"It gets me what I want Bella" She said, "Which, if I remember correctly, is something you want too, but never get!"

I flinched but composed myself, "I get plenty" I whispered as I stood up sharply, "and if you want Cullen to have your number, give it to him yourself"

Jessica smiled cruelly, "Just give it to him Bella"

I snapped the paper out of her fingers, wishing I could snap her fingers off, "If you want to make a fool of yourself..." I walked away. Fucking bitch. Fucking fucking asshole. Bitch. What a cunt. That Stanley was a class A motherfucking cuntbag.

If she got to Edward Cullen before me... I shook the thought away.

As I marched into the school, deciding to get to my class a bit early and read some more of my book, I suddenly clocked Edward sitting on the floor against the wall at the end of the corridor. I tried to look nonchalant, but seeing him had shocked my heart and a deep spread of hot flush was creeping up my neck. I stopped at the water fountain, took a drink and continued on. He was sitting outside the class I was headed to.

As I reached him he looked up. He didn't smile but his eyes softened and he said "Hello" in a low velvety voice that threatened to pop the buttons of my shirt with its sexiness. Fuck the man was hot as a coal fire.

"Hi Edward" I said, "Eh... how are you?"

"Same" He said and winked. My stomach dropped into my crotch and loop de looped wildly.

I nodded, biting my bottom lip.

"Smoke?" He asked suddenly and produced a cigarette box, offering me first take.

I shook my head, incredulous as he flipped one into his mouth and lit it with a silver lighter, right fucking there in the corridor.

He took a drag and the smoke plumed up around his head. He intook a sharp breath and squinted as the smoke drifted across his eyes. Smoking was a good look for Cullen, I'd give him that.

I heard footsteps. Edward didn't even flinch.

"CULLEN!"

I snapped my head around to see Mr Cook, the physics teacher, coming at full tilt down toward us.

Edward smirked to himself and stubbed the cigarette out on the wall beside him.

As Edward was being dragged along to the heads office by the collar, the fucker looked over his shoulder at me and stuck out his tongue. He gave me a little wave and a dirty grin as he was dragged around the corner and went out of sight.

I burst out laughing. I wasn't sure what the hell this guy was on, but I sure wanted some.

Fucking NOW.


	10. Chapter 10

_I didn't want to do any EPOVs but this one is sneaking in, just to give a bit of backround and set him up a bit more. _

_**~Edward POV~**_

Ha. Ha ha ha. Exactly the outcome I was hoping for. Fuckface Cook was purple in the face and the small bit of resistance I was putting up to his grip was wearing him out. If I'd wanted to I could have just flicked the little prick into next week, but I wanted to see the head. I wanted to let him know exactly what I thought of Forks High... Forks Low more like.

Yeh yeh. I had only myself to blame for getting the boot from Sebs. Fucking my german teacher probably wasn't the best decision I ever made. I didn't enjoy it though I know she did. It was her fucking wails that got us caught. Silly fucking bitch. Even with my hand clamped over her mouth she managed to scream the fucking school down.

So here I was, in a shithole. The only sports they offered was hockey and football, neither of which I'd ever involved myself in. I kept myself in shape with archery and fencing. Real sports. Sports that gave you a skill, even if somewhat out dated. Fucking Carlisle and his morals, if he'd made a donation, as the Dean suggested, I wouldn't be sitting outside this fucking office now.

Balls.

Wank

Damn.

I hadn't appreciated Sebs for what it was while I was there. That extensive library, the gardens I could disappear to, the music room... I could have kicked myself for getting kicked out, for not thinking things through. Letting my dick rule my head. No more of that for me. From now on I was going to think through _every fucking shag_ I came across. No more spontaneous humping. No fucking way.

I'd enjoyed the look on that little Bella one when I'd lit the smoke. She looked like she had just been given a million dollars, her eyes went all big and her jaw dropped slighly showing me a little pink tongue. She was cute. All dark and light.

I wondered what she would be like in the sack. Her fucking wrist bones were so tiny, I'd probably have a hard job keeping from breaking the little fox in two. Her little ass was sweet and I lingered on the thought of what it would feel like in my hands a bit too long and got a fucking boner. Fucking excellent. I thought of Mr Cook, in the nip, taking a dump. Boner deceased. Thank you lord. Nick of time.

"Mr Cullen" The receptionist gestured me through the door into the heads office.

The bald bastard sat flicking through papers and without looking up said "Sit down Mr Cullen"

I plonked my ass into one of the chairs and kicked my feet up onto his table. Ha.

He didn't flinch but continued to look through his papers. Oldest trick in the book. Psychology 101.

Finally he looked up "You wanted to see me Mr Cullen?"

That threw me, "No I was dragged here by Mr Cock" I smiled but the fucker didn't even remark on the name substitution.

"Smoking in the corridor Mr Cullen? Really?" He sighed, "Don't you think thats a bit obvious?"

I didn't really know what to say so I said nothing.

"Listen Mr Cullen and listen carefully" The head ran his hands over his bald head, "There is no place in this school for 'rebels without a cause'. What we are offering you is an education. Take it or leave it. I have no interest whether you are here or not here, but I will not have my classes, students or teachers upset or distracted. Clear?"

I was looking at my nails, trying to look nonchalant, but I heard him. I had been expecting a moronic lecture like I would have got in Sebs. I hadn't got one.

Trying to look like I didn't give a fuck, cause really I didn't, I upped and walked out. I had a quick look around for that Bella fox but she was gone. Maybe I'd see her tomorrow, she amused me with her little blushing cheeks and those fidgetty twitches that jerked her face around when she was talking. I'd like to see her asleep. When her face wasn't jumping around I would bet she was fairly beautiful. I imagined her white skin on her neck against the dark hair...

Edible.


	11. Chapter 11

**Bella POV**

I couldn't concentrate in Maths or in any class that day. That sexy motherfucker had had me practically turn myself inside out with that grin he'd given me as he turned that corner. It was cliched but I was beginning to realise that the bad boy thing really rocked my boat. When Cullen lit that cigarette my clit had actually hummed. I swear to God.

I got out of school as quick as I could and sat on the internet reading dirty fanfiction all night to placate my physical desire for a hard fuck. I fudded as I read. One about Harry Potter and Hermione shagging had me awake until two a.m. which was good because I went straight to sleep. Just before I drifted off I thought about shagging Cullen and imagined him lighting that cliched post coital cigarette. The thought nearly made me stick my hand back downstairs for another go, but I decided to just sleep instead. Maybe I'd be lucky and have a sex dream about him.

I did. I dreamt that Edward Cullen had snuck in my window and we were fucking on my bed. He rocked my hips back and forth and the pressure built in my abdomen, but as always with a sex dream just as I was about to cum I woke up.

If Charlie hadn't been sleeping two doors down I would have screamed.

Instead I grabbed my little vibrator, shoved it against my clit and crossed my legs. I lay on my tummy, with my arms under my pillow and used my thighs to increase the pressure until I came.

Then I fell asleep again, fingers and legs crossed that Edward Cullen would come visit me again in my sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up late the next morning, I hate that. I get such a jolt and it sets me off badly for the whole day. I don't like being centre of attention, even to the point that walking in to the middle of a lesson upsets me. I hate the way everyone looks at you until you've sat down, as if you've just boinged in to the room on a giant inflatable dick.

So I decided I would have to ditch my first class, and after parking in my usual spot, I strode purposefully up past the lot across the grass and into the forest. I didn't run, I walked steadily and surely, which I have learned is the best way to avoid questioning if seen. If you look like you know what you are doing, people rarely enquire. That goes for most things in life.

The light changed as I came through the trees into the copse. The green overhang threw a blueish tinge onto everything and the bare warmth I had felt from the sun was obliterated - it was cold. I dropped my bag and strolled across the pine strewn forest floor, kicking with my feet, wondering how I would entertain myself for the two hours until break.

I felt my pockets and remembered my penknife was in my inside pocket, Charlie always made me carry pepper spray but I also liked to carry the little flick knife I had bought in the Native American gift shop in Port Angles. I pulled it out and flicked it open. Heading to the nearest tree, I started carving FUCK THIS into the bark. It whiled away about twenty minutes.

Then I heard a deep voice shout "What do you think you're doing?" and I dropped the knife and swung around but I couldn't see anyone.

"Bella Swan" It continued, "You vandal...." and a chuckle that I recognised.

"Cullen you fucker!" I shouted and he stepped out from behind a tree near the entrance to the copse.

He looked almost grey, he was so pale in this light. He looked tired, dark shadows under his eyes.

"I saw you ditch out the window" He explained, "and I thought to myself if that little fox can ditch, I can ditch"

Fox? Was he serious? He must be being sarcastic, sex starved I may be but sexy I was not. I walked like a chimpanzee and I couldn't co-ordinate my body most of the time which meant I fell over nothing and everything constantly.

"Well I just didn't fancy going in today" I offered, trying to look cool but predicting that if I had my way this could be the day I get my first fuck. Images of pine needles in my hair and cold air on my ass heated me right up then and there I can tell you.

"cool, thats cool" Edward said and strolled over to stand close to me. He was wearing one of those reefer jackets, a grey one and dark jeans and the jacket just skirted his hips, drawing my eye to his bulge. It looked pretty hot, and I allowed my mind to xray and imagine his balls and dick for a moment, but shook the image out of my head as quickly as I could. The guy was standing right here for Gods sake. Action not fantasy.

"I was going to head up the hill" I stated

"Nice graffiti" Edward nodded to my handywork on the tree, "Phrase of choice lately"

I looked quizzically at him, pretending I didn't realise he had scraped the same into our desk. He shook his head, "nothing..."

"Right so now we're here what will we do?" He said grinning at me in such a sexy way I nearly humped the tree.

"I told you I was gonna head up the hill" I stated again, "I want to see what the fuck is up there"

"You curse a lot" he said wrinkling up his nose in distaste.

"Thats a bit rich coming from you"

"Yeh but you're a girl, its just not-"

I cut him off, "Don't finish that sentence Cullen, I'd hate to have to beat the shit out of you for being so sexist"

"-Lady....like" he said smugly,"I love a bit of S&M..."

"Get fucked Cullen" I said but smiled at the same time.

"Gladly" He replied and walked off ahead of me into the forest, "Come on Swan you little sexbomb lets climb this fucker"

I actually swooned.

I would ride this prick like he was a rodeo bull, or my name wasn't Isabella Swan.


	13. Chapter 13

**I'd love to hear what you all think so far, I know there are a good few of you following this and so i'd love you to let me know what you think, or if you've anything you don't like!!**

**Thanks guys!**

Edward forged ahead like he was a panther. He barely broke a twig and he moved quickly, striding.

I, on the other hand, fell on my face a couple times, banged my elbows, knees, even hit myself in the crotch with a tree stump I didn't notice in my path.

When that happened Edward happened to be looking over his fucking shoulder at me and as I impacted his eyes widened with disbelief and then he absolutely howled laughing. I would have told him to shit up only I had really hurt myself. Practically impaled myself in the hoohah. Edward was bent over double, wheezing and wiping his eyes. He stood up holding his chest, "Oh I think I might have a fucking heartattack" He said, "that was the funniest fucking..." He burst out laughing again, okay so he was one of those then, those people who will keep laughing at the memory of what happened until they are so out of control they need a box in the mouth to shut them the fuck up.

"Fuck" I said, resisting the urge to hold my snatch as it ached.

"Shit" Edward said, still laughing but coming to my side and putting an arm half around me, "sorry... are you okay?" and then the fucker burst out laughing in my fucking face. He turned away, huge guffaws erupting, "Oh shit I'm sorry Bella, it was just your face... (laughed his ass off again)... oh your face was so fucking shocked.... (roars laughing) oh...oh...(calms down)...Oh"

"Shut fucking up Edward you ass" I said gritting my teeth, "I really fucking hurt myself"

"I know" he said, surpressing his giggles, "I'm sorry. Are you okay? Need me to look at it?"

I gave him a look that said 'don't even start' and his face went comically remorseful.

"Come on" I said, striding by him and on up the hill, "Lets go" and as I did I tripped over a root and fell flat on my face.

As I lay face down in the dirt and Edward howled to the point he was making puke noises, I wondered if it was wrong to hope the fucker would have a pissing heartattack and die on the spot. No, no, my snatch was sore now but later it would need him. Maybe even to kiss it better.


	14. Chapter 14

Edward helped me up, in his own way, by grabbing me tightly by the upper arms and pulling as he stepped back, so I came up to standing.

"Thanks" I said, brushing the pine needles off my front.

"You crack me up" He stated, and I lifted my eyes to look into his. We were so close my legs got tight, and my breathing quickened. Touch me touch me touch me fuck me touch me touch me touch me.

"I don't do it on purpose" I told him, trying to look away but finding an irrestible draw to gaze back into those honey eyes of his, framed by the thickest dark lashes, like black ink on china.

"I know _that_" he chuckled softly, "that is what is so fucking funny"

I put my hands on his chest and shoved, but the fucker didn't even rock back one inch. I was such a fucking weakling.

I went to walk around him but he caught me by the wrists and kind of dropped his face to mine, so I didn't have to look up at him, "We're friends Bella" he said, "aren't we?"

"You've only known me a week" I said, grabbing my bottom lip with my teeth as I always did when I was horny. The smell of his aftershave was so sensual mixed in with the smell of pine. My mind was racing with images of him closer, closer, closer, eyes closed, sweat glistening on his forehead.

"That means nothing" he said, letting me go and continuing the walk uphill, "we're friends anyway"

I followed him, trying to pay attention to my feet so I wouldn't fall, wishing he would hold my hand and then ridiculing myself for being so girly, mentally changing it to me holding his dick.

The trees suddenly disappeared behind us and we found ourselves standing in a clearing. A meadow.

"Wow" I said, my eyes adjusting to the bright light.

Edward said nothing but I'd imagine he felt the same. The place was like a dream, bounding green grass dotted with white daisy and blue forget me not. It was like a fairy carpet. Of course I didn't say that out loud, I was trying to get shagged here not laughed at. It did strike me that girly thoughts were sneaking into my psyche which was usually chock full with porno images of Cullen or whatever guy sprang to mind. Must be the fresh air, I thought.

Edward strode out into the meadow, the grass was wet and tiny mists of it lifted from his feet as he placed them. There was a faint sound of running water, the grass perfumed the air with a rich metallic smell. I followed.

"Where are you going?" I asked when I caught up with him.

"To the middle of course" He answered, like a weird alice in wonderland, grabbing my hand.

He was such a fucking weirdo, but I was so intrigued. My brain had a weird moment of complete crash when I realised that though the fucking was still a big want, I also had a huge desire to talk to Edward. Get to know him? Holy shit I was turning into a fucking dickhead.

He shrugged out of his jacket and threw it, leather side down, on the grass. "I reckon this is the middle" He said.

"A few feet that way" I offered, "definately the middle"

He looked at me with an amused expression and said "No _Rainman_, this is the middle"

I shook my head and allowed a smile to cross my lips, I hoped I looked provocative.

"It isn't" I whispered, feeling slightly hysterical as Edward looked ready to spring, he moved toward me threatingly. It was the same feeling I used to get as a kid when Charlie would bring out his "Tickle hand".

"What did you say?" He said edging closer as I got ready to run.

I stood my ground, grinning and licking my bottom lip. Edwards face broke into a smile, "Bella?" He said looking like a stalking cat.

"I said - IT ISN'T"

He stood for a moment, "You really shouldn't have said that..."

I legged it. Running as fast as I could while breaking my shit laughing but it was for barely three or four seconds before I felt Edward grab me, and we spun to the ground, me landing on him.

He was laughing and panting, I was laughing and panting. Then as in all the good movies, we were kissing. Madly, tongues searching, eyes wide open, ramming my mouth across his, consuming. Eating.

He kissed like he was fucking. His tongue thrusted in and out, moving against mine, his lips sucking and pressing against mine. His hands were on my ass, pressing my bony pelvis into his. I felt his dick hard under me. Nerves and excitement pooled in my clit. My legs wrapped around him and I pulled his arm gesturing for him to roll onto me. He did and we moved against each other, contact, his hands all over my tits, his thumbs massaging my nipples through my bra into peaks. His hands then on my back, pressing the clips of my bra, frustrated and then it was free. My tits jiggled back into his hands. His mouth got more desperate, his tongue thrusting deeper. I used my teeth gently, I tried to slow him down, he got the message, the kissing got slow but deep. Our jaws moved almost in slow motion, our tongues caressing each other, moving across and under.

I dropped a hand to his crotch and pulled his button fly open. Jamming my fingers under the band of his cotton boxers and down through the hair I found his dick. Smooth and hot.

Edward pulled away from kissing me and gave me a grin. I grabbed his dick in my fingers and stroked it up. His eyes widened. Down. They closed.

I'd only ever had a dick in my hand one time before and that was during truth or dare with Jim Farwell. The dare was to put my hand into his pants for five minutes. We went into the closet and I did it. I remember thinking that I may as well do something for the guy while I was there so I grabbed his dick. He asked me to let go and just as I did sticky hot liquid covered my thumb. Jim Farwell burst out crying. I left the closet.

I shook that memory out of my head and started thinking about Edward again. He was lying with one hand on his belly and the other straight by his side. Where my hand entered his boxers I could see his white abdomen and bronze pubes. I lifted my gaze to his face and he was looking at me, he kinda sat up then and grabbed me around the neck pulling me to his mouth, "I want to fuck you" he stated as he breathed hot warm almondy breath all over my face. I was so horny then, "Fuck me then you asshole" I whispered and straddled him. The kissing got all desperate again and he pulled my top off, my bra was discarded. A break in kissing while he took off his own teeshirt nearly sent me over, I sought his mouth again with unbelievable urgency as soon as it appeared from under the black cloth. Naked chests crushing together is one of the most amazing feelings, the heat and the softness. I liked how my tits felt cemented between my ribs and his. His chest was so pale, with a sprinkle of dark hair just across between the nipples.

He was jerking around kicking off his jeans, I just stood up and dropped mine. Standing above him in just a pair of white panties made me feel so vulnerable then, but his face lit up and he bit his mouth so sexily that I just jumped for him. The gap our denim had provided was replaced by flimsy cotton and everything became so real. I was just about to get fucked. No more masturbation. This was the real deal, right here right now. If I wasn't sucking the face off Cullen I would have sang Alleluia.

Edward yanked his boxers off and looked at me with a dark lust. Then he dragged mine off, which left him on his knees, as if in prayer at my feet.

I giggled and he leaned forward on his arms. His shoulders were tense, stretching the ligaments on his chest.

I wriggled out of my pants, "Do me" I said, as sluttily as I could muster. There were nerves here. I knew there would be pain, I mean as much fudding as I had done nothing as big as Edward Cullens dick had come near me. I was pretty sure that my hymen was still irritatingly intact, like some hard ass chaperone on a college dorm.

He grinned and leaned in.

Fuck. "Wait wait wait" I said, tensing my legs. My brain went 'WTF?' and my body went 'it might hurt' and my brain bitchslapped my body for the pause that inevitably was going to FUCK THIS UP! FUCK. FUCK FUCK.

Edward gave a little 'huh' sound from between his teeth and his eyebrows screwed up and then, fuck it, he jumped back off me like I'd given him an electric shock.

"What? You're a fucking virgin?" Shit he had guessed, that little panic had laid me barer than I already was.

I covered my eyes with my hands.

"Bella! You're a fucking virgin?"

He stood there, naked silouhette with the sun behind him and I got the impression he would stand there all day. I really didn't want to discuss this, I just wanted to go back ten seconds and shut my fucking mouth. That tiny panic that had verbally escaped me wasn't me. It was some residual ridiculous female alter ego, planted in me by my mother who used the word "flower" for virginity for fucks sake.

I knew that I could not disappear no matter how hard I wished it and I knew that fucking Edward was probably a no goer now. FUCK.

"Bella!" He shouted, grabbing his boxers and hopping from foot to foot in his haste to get them on. The jeans followed. "Are you a fucking virgin?" He pulled his top on.

I threw my arms across my face. Fuming with myself I knew I'd have to answer him one way or the other.

"Yeh" I muttered, then I sat up and looked him straight on, "I'm a virgin but what the fuck has that to do with you?"

He gritted his teeth, "Of all the..." and then he marched away.

After a couple of minutes I figured he had left me here and was gone back to the school so I gathered myself together and holding back hot tears of humiliation I began the walk back down to my truck.


	15. Chapter 15

I cursed myself as I walked out of the meadow. If I could have punched my own teeth out I would have.

I, Isabella Swan, had just fucked up the only real opportunity to get rid of this nonsensical state of virginity that would probably ever come along in this god forsaken town.

I, Isabella Swan, was a fucking asshole.

FUCK.

I felt so stupid. I felt like I had been caught watching Barney or reading a preschool book. I felt ridiculous, why had Edward been so fucking mean about it though, it wasn't like I had crabs or something. It was my desicion to make, I mean what the fuck was the big deal. Though I knew what the big deal was, the whole world, the whole universe made out like having sex for the first time should be with someone you love and stupid hollywood movies had made people (and by people I mean Cullen) think that virginity was precious to women and that they wouldn't just give it away.

Well I would. I wanted to join the land of the banging. I wanted to be free.

So I was faced with two possibles. Cullen thought I loved him or Cullen thought I thought we had something special. Fuck. THey were really one and the same. Cullen now believed that I had some weird crush on him and was willing to give him my "flower". PUKE.

I needed to find the son of a fuck and tell him straight.

Looking at my feet as I came down the forest hill I suddenly felt eyes on me and snapped my head up expecting to see Cullen but instead seeing a gang of huge native guys, from La Push, all bare chested and staring at me. Those guys were always showing off their bodies, not that they had any reason not to, every one of them had six pack abs, huge pecs, massive arms and asses that would break your heart. They were like brothers, all with cropped black hair and darkest brown eyes. They moved like a pack, always together. If you took on one, you took on them all.

"Hey Bella" One of them shouted.

"Hi Jake" I nodded, recognising the boy Jacob Black, son of Charlies best friend Billy, somewhere in the man that stood a little off from the rest.

"Was that just Edward Cullen sloping off there?" Jacob approached me.

"Yeh so what?" I shrugged

Jake looked back at the rest of his gang for a moment and then back to me.

"Didn't know he was back in town" He offered

"He got kicked out of school"

Jacob took that information in. He turned to walk away but paused, "You with him?"

I shook my head.

"Yeh good" He said giving me a small smile, his eyes glittering, "He is trouble. You stay clear of him, okay?"

"I can look after myself Jacob thanks" I said flatly and walked off, carefully placing my feet to avoid further humilation.

"You sure? You don't need me to look after you?huh Bella!... I could take you home!" Jacob shouted after me and as I pushed through the fir branches and out into the car park again I heard the gang of native guys burst into whoops and howls like a pack of animals.

"Pigs" I muttered as I hopped into old Red and got the fuck out of there.


	16. Chapter 16

The drive home was a torturous barage of the shudda wudda cudda kind. Why didn't I lie? I could have said I thought I saw a spider or that I was lying on a rock. Anything other than the truth.

Beating myself about that was better than wondering what the fuck I had been suddenly nervous about. I mean I had wanted it forever, you could say needed it.

The sight of Cullen standing naked over me with a condom in his hand should have had me screaming NOW NOW NOW instead of WAIT WAIT WAIT.

I must have a screw loose. I definatley was a screw short now anyway.

I sat in the sitting room with Charlie that night, my room seemed to mock me. All those months of fudding myself, dreaming, begging for a shag, and now I'm handed one on a plate and I fuck it up. I couldn't blame Cullen, Jesus I must have scared the shit out of him, all horny one minute, all virginal the next. I knew he'd be thinking I thought more of him than I did. I cringed everytime I thought about him and what he'd be thinking.

Charlie answered the phone when it rang and passed the receiver to me without even a grunt.

"Hello?" I said carefully into the receiver, terrified it would be Edward and terrified it wouldn't be.

It wasn't.

"Hi, uh... Bella? Its Jacob Black"

Silence, my mind screamed _please don't ask me out please don't ask me out _but I knew he would and he did.

"I am really sorry for the hollering and all after you today Bella, you know the guys..."

"Yeh...." I frowned and clenched my teeth. Sure you might be thinking why not shag this guy, and last week I would have been thinking the same but something in me had changed, i realised this had become less about my virginity and more about shagging Edward Cullen.

"Bella I'd like to take you out tomorrow night, as an apology sorta..."

I went blank. Nothing in my mind at all.

"Sure okay"

"Great!" He seemed really pleased and I took it as a compliment. I wondered what Charlie would think.

"See you... tomorrow then" I said and hung up.

Shit.

My mind argued that this was good, I could shag Jacob tomorrow and then come back to Edward when I wasn't in such an abhorrent state. My heart was having none of that, it appeared that when I wasn't paying attention my little old heart had formed a bit of a sentimental attachment to Edward Cullen.

What the fuck I was going to do about that was beyond me.


	17. Chapter 17

I met Jacob where he said. Outside the fish and tackle shop in the centre of town. How fucking romantic. I have to say though the guy was hot. Broad and tall with a six pack showing through his teeshirt, that was tight as hell but not out of choice - the guy was huge, I'd say xxl would be snug on his frame. I noticed as I walked up to him and he stood from sitting that his crotch was my chest height. Handy.

I resolved to fuck him. He was hot, he was eager and I could just get it over and done with. Then I could take this little crush I had on Cullen and do whatever needed to be done there. Lots of fucking hopefully. I still couldn' believe I had stalled in the meadow. I was a fucking pain in my own hole.

"Yo" Jacob said loosely as I approached. Aw he was shaking? Nervous of me? It was sweet and firmed my resolve to shag his hot ass that night.

"So" I said as we started to walk down the street, "Where are we going?"

He frowned, "Uh I thought maybe we could grab a shake or something, I wasn't really... I thought maybe we'd see what... I'd see what you wanted"

I smiled, "Okaaay" God this guy was so nervous - where was the howling wolf from yesterday?

We went into the diner, Jacob holding the door for me and pulling out my seat. It was cute.

I can't remember what we talked about, inane chatter, awkward silences, you can imagine. We drank milkshake, he stared at me with red cheeks. I touched his shoulder and I swear I heard his dick hit the underside of the table. I was so getting this guy to fuck me and you know, I was pissed I hadn't thought of it before. He'd been in Forks this whole time, I could have been a non virgin in the meadow.

Just as we were leaving, I mean standing up, coats on, bill paid, the fucking door swung open and Edward Cullen walked in. My heart went hot, thats the only way I can describe it - like a fire in my chest. I must have gone bright red because Jake got kind of pissed off. As we left I tried not to look at Edward, though I could feel him looking at me and just as I went through the door I caught his eye. He was not blushing, far from it - as always he was alabaster, and he looked furious. Jesus I wanted to die then, why did I admit it? KNowing I was a virgin had Edward Cullen hating me - and he was hardly gonna do me if he hated me was he?

I slung my arm around Jacobs waist without even thinking it through, subconciously needing the support, the air, fake as it was, that I was over it. I had moved on. I didn't care.

"Enjoying the view Cullen?" I heard Jacob speak to him and my heart stopped. I couldn't look up, I just stared at my feet.

"Sure" Edward said quietly, "Its like watching King Kong" I nearly exploded, but knew Jacob wouldn't get the virginal reference. Edward really was a dick.

Jacobs response, however, was to lift me off my feet, as if I weighed nothing, and place a wet awkward kiss on my mouth. His lips were warm and squashy. There was nothing in the closeness that made me feel anything but slightly awkward. I didn't really fancy him and I didn't really know why. The guy was hot as hell, all muscles and soft features. His hair was thick and shaggy even in the short style, his eye brows loomed angrily over the softest brown eyes I'd ever seen, a strong nose without a trace of sharpness and a huge constant grin. He reminded me of a shaggy dog, loping and happy. I touched his chest. Come on Bella - I said to myself - this is movie star quality here, just shag the guy already! He raised his middle finger slowly at Edward, and laughed, "Yeh well Bella likes em big... you know?" I just stared at my feet. The minute we got outside Jacob was apologising profusely, "Oh bella I hope you didn't think I meant anything by that, I'm not expecting any... you know, I just wanted to shut him up... you know? I really like you bella, like really really like you... I've been staring at your pictures in Charlies all my life and thinking you were some special girl" I looked up at him then, the sweetness of his words. "Its fine" I said simply, "lets just get out of here - yeh?"

We walked along the street together, and out of town (which didn't take long, forks was such a small town - getting out of it took about five steps!) and along across the bridge and turned left toward La Push. My heart was not racing, my skin was not prickling, there was no bodily reactions to the very obvious route we were on, headed definately to Jacobs house. I had to run every few steps to keep up with him and eventually he grabbed me by the hand. This was a man on a mission, he wanted me alone, and yet I could not feel anything. He was gorgeous, and what a body, he was kind, eager, interested and interesting. He wanted me, and he was sweet about it. So why the fuck did it feel like Edward fucking Cullen was standing in my way, like some fucked up ghost? He'd had his chance I told myself. The fucker doesn't get another one, even if he stopped hating me long enough to want it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hi - I'm really enjoying seeing how many of you are looking to be updated when I post a new chapter and I would also love to hear from all of you as to what you think so far and what you would like to see happen here! This story is being written on a chapter by chapter basis, in that I have a bare idea of what might happen but thats all!! Leave reviews please!! Thanks to all of you who have already!! **

The closer we got to Jacobs house the less and less I wanted to shag him. His hand was sweaty and hot, but he kept holding on even as sweat pooled in the creases of our fingers. He was on a mission. I began to feel as though there was more to this date. Something other than me.

"My dads out" He commented as he opened his front door and led me into the house. It was so silent.

Jacob walked ahead of me into the living room and stood with his back to me. I could see the hair on the back of his neck quivering and when he turned around his lip was shaking and sweat was glistening on his lip.

"Bella" he said and sat down on the couch patting the space beside him.

I didn't want to sit down, I didn't want to kiss him, I didn't want to be here. In one ridiculous moment I realised that somehow I'd fallen for Edward - in the tiny amount of time we'd spent together I felt that I knew him and he knew me... or maybe it was just a crush... whatever it was - I couldn't live without it and I was in the wrong room with the wrong guy. Edwards face flashed into my mind, bending to say 'we're friends' with his eyes smiling and catching mine. Then Edward storming out of the meadow and leaving me humilated - I should hate him! Edward in the diner glaring at Jacob. Hang on I thought - they know each other, theres history? Why hadn't I figured this out? Was I a trophy of one-upmanship?

"What is this Jake?" I asked, jutting my chin out and my mind racing.

"Huh?" Jacob looked surprised, "What the fuck do you mean? _this_?"

"Yeh this... and the stuff with Edward Cullen in the diner... what the fuck was that?"

Jacob stood up, towering above me, "Cullen is a prick" He said firmly

"How the fuck do you even know him?"

"Him and his fucking asshole brothers, always fucking about on our territory-"

"-your territory? what the fuck does that even mean? what is this west side story?"

"what the fuck is west side story?"

"Oh just fucking explain Jacob please" I huffed, "I'm wondering if I am here so you can get one up or whatever on Cullen." I folded my arms and swung my weight onto one hip.

Jacobs face went soft. He sat back down and smiled at me in a way that melted me a bit.

"No" was all he said. Then he patted the couch again.

I raised my eyebrow and huffed through my nose.

He smiled even broader, "You're a feisty little thing aren't you? And no this isn't about one up on Cullen, that asshole wouldn't be worth it, but it is a bonus I suppose - to get what I want and see _him _pissed off. He has pissed me off enough times so its about time"

"How has he?" I wasn't sitting yet, "pissed you off? what did he do?"

Jacob slumped back in his seat, "Him and his family are always pissing us off, thinking they are some sort of law unto themselves - the older one Emmett was caught hunting here, rabbit or whatever and with a bibi gun - so fuckin cruel man, and some of the elders had a word with Dr Cullen and he is banned from setting foot on the reservation now... asshole disturbing nature like that..."

I looked him in the eye, "thats not Edward though"

Jacob ran his hands through his black hair, "What the fuck is _this_ Bella?" He asked outstraight, "I mean what the fuck is Cullen to _you_ anyway?"

"Nothing" I stated, but feeling a blush rise on my neck, "He is fucking nothing to me"

I sat down on the couch. Fuck it - Fuck Cullen - Jacob I had and Jacob it would be.


	19. Chapter 19

I sat down on the couch. I could hear Jacob trembling in his breathing. I couldn't look him in the eye. He placed his hand on my shoulder, "Bella" He whispered. I turned to him, and he leaned in to kiss me. His breath was jagged and hot and when his lips found mine it just felt so wrong. But who was I to prick tease? The guy wanted me, that had to be a plus. I wanted to get fucked and here was my opportunity. He was fucking gorgeous so what the fuck was I complaining about? That I didn't _feel_ it? Who fucking cares about that!

He squashed his lips on mine, they were plump, hot and wet. It was too soft, made me feel like I was kissing a fucking girl, no trace of stubble on his chin. Not like Edward, whose pale hard lips bruised mine and his unshaven jaw tore at my skin. That made me hot thinking about it and I let my lips drop open. Jacob nearly went insane at that and plunged his tongue into my mouth, grabbing me and pulling me in one swift move to lie under him. He kissed so differently than Edward, more frantic and uncontrolled, less the master and more the student. I pushed his face back with my hands and looked into his puppy dog eyes, "take it easy" I said gently.

"this is just everything I thought it would be" he said and without even closing the gap his tongue jabbed into my mouth again. Jesus Jacob was full on. He'd obviously liked me for a while - I wondered had he wanked off on my image and I got a thrill from that thought and so in for a penny and all, I jerked down lower on the couch and wrapped my legs around his waist, taking the kiss to a whole other plain by using my tongue, and teeth, to kiss him full on too.

He gasped when I did that and suddenly went completely still, his forehead pressed against mine, his eyes closed and I could barely hear a "no no no" muttered under his breath. What the- but then I felt it, a warm wet sensation soaking through my thin cotton pants. No fucking way! Jacob had jipped. Stitch me up and send me home, this was just ridiculous.

He hopped up and turned away, but not fast enough that I didn't see the wet patch on his pants and shit, Jacob saw me see it. The guy looked like he was gonna cry but instead he just ran out of the room. Oh piss it, this was fast turning into a nightmare. I sat up on the couch and fixed my hair as much as I could, standing to quickly check in the mirror and then sitting back down again. I scrubbed at the wet patch with the cuff of my hoody and it faded enough to look like part of the design.

I sat there wondering should I leave, and Jacob just didn't reappear, and then I heard the sounds of a shower go on. Surreality and I do not get on, so in that weird moment I just got my stuff and left the house.

I thought maybe i'd get half way off the reservation and Jacob would catch up to me and beg me to come back, and I wasn't sure why I wanted that to happen, but it didn't and for the second time in less than a week I walked alone unshagged, still virginal and humiliated.

As I turned off the reservation and onto a main road I noticed a car pass me in the opposite direction. My heart went cold as I heard it slow, turn around and approach my back as I continued walking. It caught up to me slowly and I heard the window hum as it slid open.

"Want a lift?"

My heart jumped and hot prickles spread out across my chest.

"Sure" I said, opening the door and sliding in beside Edward fucking Cullen.


	20. Chapter 20

The inside of Edwards car was darkened by the tinted windows and with the dash all lit up it felt like the middle of the night. I was so tired too. Humiliation was exhausting.

"Thanks" I muttered as I clipped my seatbelt.

He glanced up at me and I noticed our speed increase suddenly, like he was taking his anger at me out on the gas pedal.

"Jesus" I gripped the seat, "Whats up your ass?"

"Coming from La Push?" He asked through his gritted teeth.

"What the- what do you care?" I glared at him, "Here pull the fuck over, I don't want your lift"

"No" He said.

I stared at him for a minute, then realised that this was where I most wanted to be so I didn't fight it, and just looked out the window until the echo of his 'no' died away in my head.

****

The car drove along, the noise of the tyres through the puddles strangely soothing in this tense situation. Edward leaned forward and banged at the radio until music filled the space between us.

"Debussy" I stated.

He glared at me, "What?"

"Its Debussy" I said again, "the music" I gestured toward the radio.

"I know that" he snapped, "I just didn't think..."

"What? that I would?" The cheek of this..._asshole_. "The arrogance" I said under my breath, looking out the window.

He said nothing. The car got faster.

"Can you slow down?" I finally broke, "you're fucking scaring me"

He took his foot off the gas completely and the car felt like it was moving backward, he dropped the gears, pulled into the curb, switched off the engine and turned to me. But he said nothing, just looked. He stared at me for what seemed like ages, first with what seemed like care and regret for scaring me but then changed to an almost murderous stare, his eyes glittering so sexily that I could not help myself.

I pounced, bringing my seatbelt with me I flung my arms around his neck and took his mouth under mine. His mouth opened, his tongue found my tongue and he kissed me back. Desperatley, urgently, I came undone. He clicked my seatbelt release and I fell naturally across him, he shoved the seat back and I climbed onto his lap, the steering wheel caught my back but I didn't care. There was nothing in the world but Edward Cullen and I wanted to consume him. I wanted to drink him in.

Suddenly he pulled away, pushing me back and shaking his head, "No Bella" he said. I pulled his face back to mine but he resisted, "No" he said again, clearly and plainly.

I climbed back onto my seat. No means no, I'd been told enough times by Charlie though I doubted he ever would have thought it would have been a _guy_ saying it to_ me_.

I popped the door with my fingers and left the car. I fucking hated Edward. What the fuck was happening here? My mind raced, disturbed, upset. It wasn't about virginity or fucking for me anymore. It was_ him_. Edward Cullen. Edward fucking Cullen. It wasn't that I wanted to get fucked, it was that I wanted to get fucked by_ him_. Only him.

The silver volvo started its engine, passed me at speed, and when it disappeared over the bridge I couldn't help myself - I burst out crying. Tears blinded my eyes, and when I walked straight into an enormous puddle soaking my feet, I actually sobbed like a little kid.

I sat down on the edge of the bridge wall and put my face into my hands and cried. When it started to rain I cried even harder. When Jacob walked up to me and pulled me into his huge arms, I cried even harder still. I knew he presumed I was crying for him, but I didn't care, I let him lead me to his truck, I let him clip my seatbelt and I let him drive back toward La Push.

As we turned on the road I noticed the silver volvo, having turned around itself and now just stopped on the road behind us, where it sat until we drove out of its sight.


	21. Chapter 21

"I was just so fucking embarrassed" Jacob said, his cheeks bright red and his eyes hot with what I called 'boy tears', you know angry upset _i-won't-cry_ eyes, "I should never have ran out like that"

I looked at him. His face was so pleasant, upturned mouth, soft features. He was like a big puppy. Why did I want the wrong one? Why was I sitting here, with a guy who found me so fucking sexy he jips himself and cares so much that he throws his ego to the wind and comes to find me, and wishing I was with a guy who acted like he was fucking made of stone and came across so fucking cold sometimes I half believed he was.

I gave Jacob a small smile, "Jacob please, don't worry about it - its a _body thing_ - sure i came twice myself before you even got there" I bit my lip at the lie. I just wanted him to relax. He looked like he was going to bawl.

His eyebrows nearly hit the roof, "Really?" He asked and dropped onto his hunkers to look me quizzically in the eye, "I made you come, really?"

"Sure" I said, resisting the impulse to pat him on the head, "You were great" I knew that a little flicker would flit across my face, it was one recognised by those who _really_ knew me - I could never get away with lying to Renee and even Charlie could tell by now. It was like I could keep my face so sincere but when I heard myself lie, I kinda flinched. I had tried to train myself not to do it but it was involuntary.

Jacob didn't notice. He was too busy looking like the cat that got the cream. He stood back up and I wouldn't have been shocked if he had done a little dance. He didn't of course but I could see he wanted to.

God the guy was huge, muscles bursting through his clothes. Such a different shape to Edward. Jacob was like a calvin klein ad, Edward was like a sculpture in Rome. Jacobs was like a home cooked meal, warm and comforting. Edward was like nouveau cuisine, heavenly to taste but never giving enough to satisfy.

I smiled at my own analogy.

Jacob took my expression as an invitation, he went onto his knees in front of me as I sat on the couch. He took my hands in his, "Bella, I want another chance with you, I want to take it slow, I promise I won't... mess it up again" Oh shit balls, what could I say? I thought of Edward pushing me back, his face, his coldness. "Okay Jacob" I said.

We stood up and made what felt like the green mile walk to Jacobs bedroom at the back of the house.


	22. Chapter 22

Jacobs room was messy as hell, "what the fuck happened in here?" I asked trying not to step on the clothes and the bits and pieces that covered the floor.

"Oh" Jacob looked sheepish, "I forgot...shit... I had a little bit of a tantrum when I saw you'd gone"

"A tantrum?" I said, "like a lie-on-the-floor-bang-your-fists tantrum?"

He frowned, "Uh, no more like a throw-my-clothes-around-cos-the-sexiest-girl-i-ever-met-was-here-making-out-with-me-and-i-fucked-it-up tantrum"

I smiled, "I see"

He started to tidy up, by kicking clothes into a pile and grabbing books and cds in big handfuls and making haphazard piles on his desk.

"Thats gonna.... topple" I said as the largest pile wobbled and fell back onto the floor.

Jacob picked them up again and I began rearranging the books tidily onto the shelves and the cds into their rack and folding his clothes until it was suddenly an hour passed and I was ravenous.

"I'm starving Jacob" I said, blinking up at him as cutely as I could.

"Me too" He said, "will we go out? There is fuck all in my fridge"

I nodded, biting my lip, realising that the purpose for being in this bedroom had slunk by the wayside while we had been clearing up. I wondered was Jacob happier. His 'American pie" moment was still hanging in the air between us, much as we seemed to be over it, it was replaying in my head alongside my knock back from Edward and I didn't doubt for a second, judging from the sporadic blushes that cropped up on Jacobs cheeks every few minutes, that it was replaying in his too.

"Lets go then" He said, grabbing his wallet and checking slyly that he had cash. My heart melted a little. There was something wrong with me that I wanted the wrong guy. This was the right guy - this guy was here. What was I waiting for? Why was I even thinking about this - there was nothing to think about. I gathered myself together and leaned up to Jacob to kiss his cheek.

He turned suddenly and my cheek felt huge impact as his elbow struck it. I fell to the floor clutching my face, I thought my eyes would pop out from the pain. Holy fuck. Ow. That was all that was going through my head, and the ringing in my ears was deafening but I could make out Jacobs voice saying "So Sorry" and "Bella I could kill myself". I started to laugh through the agony. My cheek was on fire.

"Aw-OW!" I shouted, then laughed again, "Jake you fucking animal, ow-wow-wow"

He tried to pick me up but the angle was wrong and he fell across me whacking my tit with his hand, "MY FUCKING TIT" I roared as Jacob sprang up to standing looking like his world was ending.

So I sat there one hand on my face, the other on my throbbing tit, creasing myself in the middle laughing. My face was sore and I couldn't stop, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

"What the fuck is going on?" I was laughing my ass off now, and Jacobs face, close to tears, was making me laugh even more. He smiled, unsure, then laughed himself.

"This is a comedy isn't it?" He said plainly, as the laughter died down and we gasped for air. I let go off my face and tit and put my hands out for him to pull me to standing.

"I dunno" I shrugged, rubbing his arm and offering a small smile, "but the fates seem against us ey?"

"I defy them then" he said, grabbing into a big bear hug and planting a kiss on my forehead. _If they kiss you on the head they love you_ I heard my mothers voice in my head. I relaxed into the hug, I kissed Jacobs chest, his heart. It was nice to feel love.

Edward Cullen could fuck himself.

As we left Jacobs house and headed into town I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. A text message. I didn't read it until we were in the diner and had ordered our food - a salad for me and two cheeseburger, chips and a side of beans for Jacob. I was just about to rib him over his order when I pressed READ on my phone.

It was a number I didn't know. But I knew who it was from. It was just one line.

**I'm so fucking sorry - Edward**


	23. Chapter 23

My sex life had gone from childs drawing to complicated novel in less than a heartbeat. I wondered as I ate my food whether I would have been sitting here with Jacob anyway if Edward hadn't come back. I felt that I would not have been. I felt that the two men had connections to each other, through me, and that this complicated situation which would leave someone hurt - probably me - was beyond my control. I had fallen in love with someone who clearly hated me, and Jacob with his huge heart had fallen in love with someone who loved someone else. Cullen seemed to be the only one getting away with his feelings here and that didn't seem fair. Flashes of the meadow replayed in my head, Edwards eyes, his skin cold in the air, his hard mouth on mine. I relished the memory of his hands on my back, on my stomach, between my legs.

I shook myself back to the moment. I was sitting in the diner with Jacob, he had bought me dinner, he liked me maybe even loved me and I was such a fool. I could have everything I had thought I wanted in this guy - non stop fucking, and a friendship. So why did I feel like crying. All the movies, all the books told me it could happen - you can fall in love in a day, but common sense and everything my mother had ever told me said the contrary. Grow to love. Thats what I would do with Jacob. I looked at his face as he chattered on about his car and his garage and I realised I really liked him. My stomach wasn't flip flopping but I was happy here. It was nice to relax. I didn't relax with Edward. When I was with Edward, or even near Edward, every nerve ending in my body fizzed like I was electric, my throat got thick and my ears rang. I got a dry mouth. My stomach felt tight and hot. My hands hurt. So what the fuck would I crave that for? No I would see where this went with Jacob, and that was the end of the arguement. I picked up my phone and replied to Edward. "Fuck you". There, the desicion had been made.

So why did I still feel disatisfied? Why did making my desicion, which was clearly the best one for me, feel so fucking wrong.

"We should go for a drive tomorrow" Jacob said, sliding his arm over my shoulder.

"Sure yeh" I said, "love to" I smiled but it felt like a wince.

"I'll pick you up after school?"

"Sure" I rubbed his arm affectionately. I stared out the window for a minute and saw Charlies police car pull up across the road, "Hey my dads outside, I'll grab a ride with him to save you the petrol, yeh?"

Jacob looked disappointed but nodded, "Aw well okay" He kissed me on the mouth and I could taste the salt from his fries, "Will I get you straight from school?"

"My truck though" I said shaking my head, "Naw, get me from my house. 4?"

"Cool. 4" Jacob said.

Why did I run before he kissed me again? I just skirted out, smiling and ran for my dads car. Jumping in the back seat felt like relief. I hung my head and waited for my dad and I felt disgusted with myself. Apart from the fact that I had kissed two guys in one day, and was leading Jacob on, I felt disgusted because I didn't know myself at all. I didn't know what I wanted anymore, but it felt like losing my virginity was a bigger deal now than it had been before.


	24. Chapter 24

Charlie had been weirdly overjoyed to see me sitting in his car. He always threw me with this shit, getting all happy when I showed him attention. He had immediatley run back into the store and bought some chips and dip, then he drove straight to the dvd store and sent me in to pick a 'father/daughter' movie to watch with him when we got back. I stood for ages in the store with a movie in my hand, just staring, my mind racing before a "Bella Hi!!" snapped me back to life. Ugh Jessica Stanley.

"Hi Bella" She said, brushing her ponytail with her fingers, "Hows life? I saw you with Jacob Black - you guys together or what?"

I pressed my nose in a clear '_mind yours_' action and walked away from Jessica to the counter. The guy started processing my rental. Jessica slithered back to my side.

I rolled my eyes at her, "What?"

"What did he say?"

I frowned, "Who?"

"You know... _Edward_"

My mind went haywire - what the fuck? How the fuck did Jessica know anything - oh no wait wait.... the number. She had given me her number to give him.

"oh yeh the number" I muttered, "I haven't seen him to give it to him"

Her face fell and her top lip went rigid.

"Well Bella" her voice went all singsong, like a scolding kindergarten teacher, "make sure you do give it to him"

I exhaled. I inhaled. I counted to ten. I felt like knocking Stanley to the floor and smashing my fists into her cocky pointy little face. Instead I turned to the guy who was holding out my dvd, took it, "I will" I said and stormed out of the shop.

I couldn't tell you what the movie was about. Texts from Jacob flooded in,** i miss you baby**, **c u tm xx**, **watcha doin baby** and I felt like I was being taunted each time. It was as if there actually was a devil on my shoulder whispering 'you're a bitch, horrible nasty bitch to lead this lovely sweet guy on' - I wished my fucking angel would pipe up with something nice but she was totally silent.

I sent Jacob a text before I went up to shower and go to bed, **Looking forward to tomorrow x**, I hated text speak and refused to partake, typing all messages in full words with commas and full stops.

In the shower I leaned against the cold tiles and brought the shower head down to pulse against my clit. But as I stood there, I felt false and fake. I was losing it. I couldn't even have a good old fudd anymore. Edward Cullen had come into my life and fucked everything up - even my relationship with my fucking self.

I didn't cry, I didn't do anything. I just stood there, with the shower pressed against myself, but no orgasm came and eventually the water ran cold.

It wasn't until my phone beeped with a **goodnite baby** message from Jacob that I finally cried. Curled up in my bed, losing my sense of everything, I cried myself to sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

_**I wanted to say hello before heading into this chapter - to all of the readers that I only know are there through the lots and lots of story alert notices I get to my inbox every day! I love that you are all enjoying the story but I would love to hear from you! If you talk to me I will talk back, and we can work this story out together... its funny how I started this fanfic purely as an experiment in writing lemons and now I am all involved! Prose isn't my strength and the writing is a little rough at times but I think the story is strong so hang on in there! I appreciate every single one of you!!**_

_**Review for me darlings - please? xx**_

****

I heard heavy footsteps on the gravel as I organised my books back into my bag, obviously being me I had yet to see a day when I didn't drop them at all.

I looked up. Edward Cullen.

"I'm fucking sorry" was all he said and then he stood there with his jaw clenched, perfectly still like some perfect statue. He glared at me. I didn't know what to do, I racked through my brains - smile? no way. speak? maybe but say what? So I just stood there, looking dumb with my mouth open until he just fucking banged the bonnet of my truck and stormed away.

I didn't get this guy. Sorry was so vague when it was coming out of his mouth. I couldn't tell what he was apologising for and it was said so angrily it didn't feel like an apology at all. What was the deal, he didn't want to be the fucker who left me in the rain? Well he was - apology or none, he left me in the rain, okay so I did get out of the car but only because I was humiliated AGAIN, its not like he tried to stop me.

What the fuck did he expect? He should never have driven off, he should have got out of the car, ran up to me and held me in the rain - like in all good movies.

But he hadn't. Jacob had.

***

Classes dragged me through the day, one following the next and yet I could not have told you what I had heard or seen in any of them. My mind felt like a ship in a storm. It battled against my consciense, my common sense, who I thought I had been and what I knew to be true.

Here were the facts:

I was allowing Jacob to believe that he and I were something. What that something was remained unclear even to me - I mean I liked the guy, he was hot and totally sweet and I couldn't help but think that if he was a little meaner to me there was a chance I would like him more. So was that fucked up or what? Shouldn't I give it a go?

I knew I had changed. Not massively, I mean I still hated Woody Allen movie and loved peanut butter cups so much I could happily eat a whole bag. But I was subtley different - to my own self at least. Where as last month my biggest focus was finding a guy to fuck me, shedding that virginal robe and jumping naked into the sea of adulthood was my number one, Now it was less so, now it wasn't as much about the action as the guy. Fuck, I realised, I wanted the right guy not just any guy. Even if it was only for one hour, one fuck, I wanted it to be Cullen - he had made a mark on me, to phrase poetic again it was like _the fucker had spoken to my soul that day in the meadow_. However I was unsure whether that could be overruled by the fact that Jacob was here and willing. I would never regret Jacob, I knew that, he was too sweet. Though hurting him did not seem like a great idea, and I wanted to believe it could work out - told myself he might get bored first - but I knew deep down it wouldn't. Better not continue whatever it was I was doing. I liked Jacob too much to risk having him as an enemy.

I walked out of Ms Tenreys class at 2pm. She didn't even flinch this time and I doubted she'd be so pathetic as to even tell the head. It said more about her than me that her students were so disrespectful. I heard my mothers voice _you teach people how to treat you Bella_. Funny... was I teaching Cullen I was nothing but a stain on his life? Was I telling him, through my own actions that I was a piece of shit?


	26. Chapter 26

I sat in the meadow alone. The sun was out, a rare occurence in Forks, and I bathed in its light. My eyes closed, the veins of my eyelids making colours and shapes. I may have fallen asleep, I was never sure, but I felt completely relaxed and that I hadn't been thinking of anything for a while. Then all of a sudden it felt later in the day and I sat straight up and grabbed my phone. 3.42pm.

I rubbed my eyes and stretched.

Then I saw it. An envelope. Just sitting, peeking out from under my bag. I grabbed it. Someone had been here, as I snoozed in the grass. I felt it must be Cullen and I tore open the envelope. It was Edward. Fuck. I couldn't read with the hysteria that filled me. What if I'd been snoring, drooling, fudding in my sleep (I'd often woken with my hand down my shorts) - what if I'd been talking in my sleep.

_**I didn't expect you to be here but you are. I was planning on sending you a text again but it didn't feel enough, I wanted to talk to you this morning but you know...**_

_**Look Bella I'm sorry for the other day and everything else. I want to be friends. **_

That was it. I flipped the note over a few times but nothing else was written. Just that.

WHAT DID HE MEAN? WHAT DID HE MEAN? WHAT DID HE MEAN? My mind screamed the question over and over and over. I was in hell. I wanted to read something between the lines, but what? Friends? Friends? Did he mean like before? Before when he wanted to screw my brains out he called us friends, or was he meaning 'just friends' the cliched line of many movie bastards? Fuck fuck fuck. It was times like now that I wished I had a gang of girlfriends, we'd go to lunch and analyse the shit out of everything any man ever said. One would be stern _He's just not into you_, one would be romantic _He wants to marry you but doesn't know it_, the other would be pysch 101 personified _He just can't handle how much he loves you because he doesn't love himself..._

But I didn't have any girlfriends. I didn't have a friend in the world. I was such a loner. I suddenly felt really sorry for myself and thought that maybe a friend in Edward was better than no Edward at all.

I sent the text before I could think about it properly and waiting for the response was the most excrutiating few minutes of my entire life.

_**Can you come get me?**_

I held my breath. I wanted to take it back but my body flooded with relief and happiness when I heard the beep beep and read,

_**I'm already here**_


	27. Chapter 27

_**I've been listening to a playlist to help me with this story, I don't know if any of you would be interested - but the song mentioned in this chapter is Midlake - Roscoe. You can find it on Youtube. It has been a favorite of mine for the last year and just never wears. I didn't expect to include music in this story but there it is...! Thanks for my new reviews and all of you new readers! xx **_

_**Thanks also to Mrs Moth who is my cheerleader, her story Broken Flowers is amazing - Read it!**_

I practically ran down the hill. I didn't fall, I didn't stumble, my feet flew under me and I felt graceful. The trees flew by and I tucked my chin into my chest and went faster. All I could think of was running out from the forest where Edward would be standing waiting, into his arms and freedom from this pain.

I ran. I even leaped over a fallen sapling and it seemed I was in the air forever. Grace felt like me, more than awkwardness which always felt like something dragging me down.

I ran. The sounds of my feet springing off the forest floor, pine needles, was exciting. I was losing my breath. I felt like finding Edward standing waiting for me at the end of this hill was a life or death situation.

But he wasn't.

Oh how cruel is the imagination. In my downward canter to find Edward I had dreamed up a movie ending to this shitty week. I had imagined he would be standing there, looking divine and I would gallop into his arms, with a 360 degree pan shot as we kissed.

But he wasn't there. His car was parked at the end of the car park, beside my truck and it was facing away from me. I dropped, leaning my hands on my knees for support, air burning my chest as I gulped it in. I was ridiculous. I caught my breath in the walk to his passenger side and opened the door. He didn't even look up, he just muttered "Hi" and then "I can't find my Kings of Leon cd..."

I sat into the car, "What?"

He looked up and registered surprise, "Hey are you okay? You're all red"

I stood back out of the car. Furious with myself and with him for ruining this perfect reunion. He leaned across, "Whats wrong?"

I shook my head. Damn my imagination - disappointment was ridiculous, anger was even more so - the guy had done nothing at all. _Exactly!_ my heart said furiously -_ he has done NOTHING! Oh shut up_ my head told my heart _since when have you been so fucking romantic?_

"Nothing" I said firmly and sat back into the car.

"I'm going to kill Rose" He said, "she just takes what she wants, thinks the whole fucking world..." then he paused, and inhaled through his nose sharply, "sorry Bella- hi how are you?" he grinned.

"Fine Edward" I bit my lip, "so...why didn't you wake me up, you know, in the meadow?"

He looked at me so softly that I could have burst out crying, "you looked so... lovely I didn't have the heart. Its nice to see you when you're not jumping around like a flea" Such a lovely thing to say marred by such a weird thing.

The urge to cry went away and I wrinkled my nose, "A fucking flea?"

"Don't curse"

I rolled my eyes "I'll fucking curse if I want _mom_ - a fucking flea?"

"Yup - you jump around like a flea, all twitchy and shit - you must know that about yourself Bella"

I laughed. If I hadn't I'd have cried. This was so opposite of what I had wanted so badly to happen,and damn it all if Edward wasn't just a normal guy - I'd fucking built him up, over the last few days into a romantic hero or fucking antihero perhaps. In person he was actually just a guy. With all the tact of a fucking donkey.

He started the engine, "Where do you want to go?" he said, his eyes twinkling enjoying making me laugh.

"Don't care" I said and with that he drove smoothly onto the road and headed out of Forks.

We headed out on the highway, not one car passed us by and it felt so right, just sitting there, my feet up on the dash, cocooned in Edwards car going everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I looked through his cds, "No way!" I practically shouted coming across a familiar one, "you like _Midlake_? I love Midlake - no-one I know even heard of them..."I put the cd into the player and familiar strains of _Roscoe_ filled the car. I started to sing along, could never help myself, I had an okay voice and I didn't see the point in singing quietly, it was no fun that way. By the second chorus I couldn't stop my shoulders jerking to the music, dancing and I were never great friends but I could manage a little shoulder shuffle that I was pretty sure was cute. I'd checked myself out doing it to the mirror and it had a reserved but sweet quality to it. Not exactly in time, all the time, but that was cute too I reckoned.

I could feel Edward flicking his eyes across at me, and his face seemed so amused so I caught his eye and sang "..._born in 1891_..." into his face. He burst into a low chuckle, and shook his head but I knew he liked it. He liked me. I had been right - Edward as a _friend _was a hell of a lot better than no Edward at all.

"Where are we going?" I said, my breath worn from singing at the top of my voice.

"Out" He replied and I was happy with that.

That was satisfactory to me, hours alone with Edward loomed ahead, I was content, here in his car was exactly where I wanted to be.


	28. Chapter 28

I wish I had a detailed account of my evening in Port Angeles with Edward but I don't. We went to a bookstore, we kicked dust walking around the streets, at one point he lay his arm across my shoulders and I was happier than I could remember. Then Edward decided I needed to eat and he herded me into a little cafe, with Lady and the Tramp style tables and soft music playing. The waitress was dressed like a rockabilly and practically shoved her big tits in Edwards face as we ordered, but either he didn't notice or didn't care - he showed no trace of feeling about it either way. I was fuming however. I wanted to say "Boobs off bitch!" but the moment passed and I let it go.

Edward ordered himself a beer and when he wasn't even carded I threw my finger up and gestured for one of my own. I ate one or two of the ravioli on my plate but the butterflies in my stomach, that seemed to be a permanent thing when I was around Edward, (or going to be around Edward, or thinking about being around Edward) kept my appetite at bay.

My one beer turned into two, and then a third. There was more but its a fuzz. I know we left there and went to a bar and then a club and it is one big blur of laughing, drinking and dancing. I remember pulling Edward onto the dancefloor when Kings of Leon struck up and I roared laughing, thigh slapping laughter, when he did 'the Robot' for about two seconds during it. With a few beers I thought I was so sexy, and I was doing the 'walk away, look over my shoulder' again and again.

I remember leaving the club, I remember the night air sobering me slightly and I remember making a pass at Edward against a wall. I remember him grabbing my waist and lifting me up, spinning me around and pushing me back against the wall. My legs around him, I flicked my pelvis forward into him. I grabbed his head in my arms and dipped my head to find his mouth. It crushed against mine. I was swimming in him. His smell, his breath, his body surrounded me and I couldn't get enough.

"Edward..."

"Oh... Bella..."

And then he stopped it. Suddenly and harshly. I can't remember how, I just remember him walking away, leaning by the wall by where I stood feeling abandoned and upset and lighting a cigarette.

He had turned to me, I remember that as though I was sober and he said "Its not right, Bella I'm not _that_ guy"

And then we were in the car, and I was crying and then I was rolling the window down for air and it all felt so wrong and weird and blurry and then I was demanding he pull over and I was running toward La Push as fast as I could go, in the headlights of Edwards car as he followed me along the road, until I climbed in Jacobs window when the screech of tyres and the fading of lights meant he was gone.

***

Jacob woke the minute I came through the window and sat up looking confused at first but then just fucked off.

"Bella" He hissed, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Hi Jacob" I had tried putting my hand on my hip but missed and ended up doing a Mick Jagger walk to his bed where I sat down heavily and sighed like it was the end of the world.

"You're... you're fucking drunk" His whisper shout made me burst out laughing and his hand was quickly over my mouth.

"I'm not fucking anyone, but if Drunk wants a fuck... I'm sure on for it"

Jacob had bustled me out of the house and decided that a walk on the beach was the best course of action.

"You stood me fucking up" He snarled as we hit the sand, I immediately took off my shoes - freezing sand - and half fell onto my ass with Jacob holding my arm to steady me and not succeeding, "I looked like such a dick calling for you and your father telling me you were out for the night"

"I didn't mean to" I placed my hands on his chest, pushed him back against a large smooth rock and stood as high on my toes as I could to reach for his mouth, "kiss me Jake" I asked.

"I'm not making out with you drunk" He said firmly.

I pressed my body into his, "Go on" I pleaded, "you will like it"

"You reek" He said wrinkling up his nose and making me laugh.

I pressed harder. He could not resist me and the next thing I remember was that we were kissing, mouths opening and closing together, out of synch but it didn't matter. I was drunk, I was upset.

I grabbed at his jog bottoms and half pulled them down over his ass, flipping his dick out of the material and into my hand. His eyes closed and he leaned back against the rocks. I closed my fingers around his dick.

***

My eyes opened and I was so confused. The sky was above me, Jacobs face was above me and I was lying on my back in the sand.

"Bella? Bella!" Jacob seemed so anxious and I thought _what is his problem, let me sleep_.

I groaned and tried to sit up but my head was spinning.

"You blacked out Bella, are you okay?" Jacob was pulling me into a sitting position, dragging my head foreward, bending my knees and shoving my head between them.

"Leave me alone" I shoved at him, "Jesus..." I rolled over onto my belly, and then onto all fours, onto my feet and gingerly stood.

"I'm bringing you home" Jacob stated and grabbed my arm. I wobbled along beside him.

"Why are you walking like that?" I asked him as the air settled my spinning head and focused my eyes. Jacob was walking like an old man with a wooden leg or something. He glared at me and shook his head.

"Jacob!" I demanded, "what is wrong with you? whats the matter?"

It was night but I could see him blush.

"You passed out" He said

"Yeh I know" I said, "but why the limp?"

"You-" He coughed, "you had me-_you know_-in your hand _at the time_"

I couldn't grasp what he was saying, "What?"

He pointed with his eyes toward his own crotch, "Jeez...Bella you tried to take_ it_ with you"

I looked at his crotch, at his face, at his crotch, at his face. Ohhhh. I had passed out while holding Jacob by the dick. I had fallen backwards and yanked the poor guy by the penis. Fucking hell.

I started to laugh, "Oh shit Jake really?" I convulsed with giggles, holding my stomach, "really? Oh Jake I am sorry, that is just-" I teared up, literally chortling through my teeth,"-that is horrific, are you...damaged?"

"No" He dropped my arm and pushed me just hard enough to send me away from his side but not hard enough that I would fall, "I'm not damaged, just a bit... sore"

I screeched, hiccuping and laughing at poor Jacob until I physically ached. I kept getting an image of me falling backwards and Jacob yowling as I yanked his dick like he was 'elasto-man'. He stood there watching me, grinning now and again, amused at my amusement, patiently waiting for me to stop laughing before we walked on.

"You done?" he asked when I finally quietened down.

I nodded sheepishly, "I'm sorry Jake"

"It happens" he said and then made a 'huh?' face, "or it seems to happen to me anyway, when I am with you"

I nodded, "maybe its a sign" I offered.

"I hope not" He replied and sighed. He took my hand and we were at his house again, I was sober enough to be quiet and sit in his truck as he pushed it down the drive way to avoid attention. Then he drove me home, in the dark and the wind. He waited in the cab till I was through my door and then he drove away.

I'd done it again. As I got into my cold bed, and welcomed the soft pillow around my head, I realised I had done it again. Looked for comfort in Jacobs arms after being rejected from Edwards. I was a bad person.

As sleep came easily to my semi drunk state, I whispered Goodnight to no-one in particular and fell into a deep sleep.

***

**_Hmmm I'm sure that chapter should be rewritten but I haven't the patience so there it is. I had terrible fanfickers block today! I knew what I wanted to happen but I really struggled to find the words! I hope it made its way anyhoo, even with the struggle! Hopefully the cause of my block will have lifted tomorrow!!_**

**_Love you all xx_**


	29. Chapter 29

Morning came like a kick in the head. I woke up on the floor of my room, face on the carpet. My mouth felt like cobwebs and it tasted like shit. Exhaling was nearly knocking me out as I made my way to the shower. I sat in the shower, blotchy memories of the night before stinging me like wasps as they danced in front of my eyes. I remembered the dancing, "OH why did I think I was sexy..." I moaned into the water as it cascaded around my face.

It was halfway through forcing myself to eat a fried breakfast that I even remembered being at Jacobs. There is only so far you can squeeze your eyes shut. I felt like I wanted to emigrate, leave, die - anything to avoid EVER having to see either Edward or Jacob again. Fucking hell. ALL I WANTED WAS A SHAG.

Why was it all getting so complicated?

My phone beeped and after a fruitless search I used the main phone to call it, and found it flashing under the couch. Memories of falling over my own feet and my phone dramatically flying across the room,as I came into the house, flooded through me. Ugh.

**Hows the head xx**

Jacob. Please. Stop being so fucking great about everything. I stood you up, I came to your house drunk, I nearly ripped your dick off, at least be a bit pissed off.

But no, there he was, in three little words being the perfect gentleman again.

**Shit. Hows your dick? **

**:-)**

I laughed at my text but sent it anyway.

**Sore. Could do with TLC.**

First reaction - Ugh. Then I sat on the couch, knowing I couldn't leave the reply too long or he would start to feel bad, so I quickly text back.

**You'd probably be better **

**off finding someone else **

**to deal with that. Don't **

**you agree?**

I sat there for ages staring at my phone but Jacob never replied to that message. So I got myself dressed and headed out in Old Red. I knew exactly where I was going, but I wasn't sure why.

****

I got to the meadow by mid-day. School was in full swing and so I parked at the very last spot nearest the forest and ducked across to remain unseen. The thoughts of sitting in classes made my stomach turn. I took my time up the hill, leaning against trees for support, holding back the barf at all costs. Fuck hangovers were seriously shit and I didn't really think, certainly not in my case, that the gain was worth the pain. What had I got from drinking? Only a big red face and an ego that was crawling for the nearest rock.

The meadow was cool and welcoming, the grass shifting and darkening with the whipping wind. I chose a spot near to the shelter of two huge oak trees that sat on the edge of the forest, spread my parka out under me and settled to snooze this headache off. I had provisions, a bottle of water, some snacks, an extra hoody and the last Harry Potter book.

I sat for a while, felt sick, lay down, felt worse, walked around. Then I curled myself into a little ball and covered myself with my hoody, tucking it in around me and finding comfort in this womblike position I fell asleep.

"You look like a koala bear" I snapped awake, my eyes fuzzy but making out Edward Cullens feet at my face.

I pulled myself to a sitting position and rubbed my eyes, his silhouhette blocking the glare of the sun above me.

"I saw your truck, but not you so... I figured you'd be here" Edward pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and I doubted I had ever seen a sexier expression. This rollercoaster would just not end. I wanted him to leave yet I wanted him to stay. I really was everywhere and nowhere with this guy.

He hunkered down, "Feeling shit huh?"

"Are you not?"

"Bella I only had the one beer - you were drinking for Ireland" A hint of an Irish brogue softened the word Ireland and I giggled, "Oirland"

He smiled, white teeth, "My grandfather used to say that, its a running joke at home, we do the accent so... it slipped in"

"Oh thats cute. Have you been? to Ireland?"

"No, we mean to though, my dad has of course, he says we all should go someday, you know - find more Cullens - trace our roots"

I thought that over, then started to think frantically hoping there would not be an awkward moment while I found something to say - but there was and we sat for a few seconds in it, my mind went blank, I could not think of anything to say and I started to blush. He spoke first.

"Bella can we talk?" His face became serious, his dark eyes flashed and his jaw tightened.

I nodded wishing we were still on the grandfather thing, but knowing that I wanted to hear this - much as it may hurt, I needed to hear what Edward was feeling.

He sat on the grass facing me. It seemed like the longest time before he spoke, "Bella I'm not trying to upset you everytime we..." he shook his head, "Look Bella, I don't really know what to say. I have no idea why it is that everything seems so serious, we only know each other a few months and yet it feels... it feels like this is the most important relationship of my life or something. I feel like there is something at stake with every move I make with you and it is realy fucking getting to me"

I thought about what he said and I couldn't make head nor tail of it, was he being vague or was I just fucked from the alcohol, "What do you mean? I don't get you" I stated.

"Ugh" He spat and threw himself onto his back, covering his eyes with his arms, "You don't get me - Exactly!"

"Edward, I'm fucking fucked this morning, I unlike you had lots of beers and made a complete fool of myself and hurt people and everything so spare me the shit and please just tell me what the fuck is going on"

He turned his head and looked at me, "I don't know" He said softly.

I moved closer to him, "What is there to know? I mean shouldn't it be or not be?"

"What?"

"Gah! I don't know what!" I shook my head and felt like crying, this cryptic bullshit was too much for my damaged brain cells to take on.

He burst out laughing but checked himself, the somber face returning.

"Look. Bella." He said firmly, "I am trying to say that I feel like I've known you forever when I'm with you, and I want to be around you - like - all the time, but..." he winced, "I don't want...I don't want-"

"What? Me?" I almost shouted, "You don't want me? Well then-"I stood up, "-why the fuck do you keep ramming your tongue down my throat, cos excuse my naivety Edward but I still know a fucking hard-on when I feel one"

I started grabbing my stuff up and shoving it into my bag, "How do you think this is for me, Edward? Constantly having you on me and off me, leaving me here?"

He stood too, pushing his hair roughly off his face, "How do you think this is for ME?" He grabbed my bag and threw it aggressively back onto the ground, "How do you think it is for me to see you run off to that fucking _animal_ everytime I try to do the right thing? How did you think I felt last night when I saw you climb in his fucking window, into his fucking bedroom in that state? I was fucking out of my mind all night"

"Out of your mind?" I smashed my face into my own hands and screamed, "What the fuck are you talking about? You don't fucking WANT me Edward, so why should it be anything to do with you whose fucking window I climb into? YOU don't fucking want me..."

He seemed to stop breathing when I said that. His face paled and he looked as though he had seen a ghost, "You think I don't... you think I don't want you?" He grabbed my wrists and dipped his head to look into my eyes, "Don't want you? Jesus Bella I would fuck you right now, if it wasn't... if you weren't..."

"What? A fucking virgin? Oh get over yourself Edward" I grabbed my bag and stormed away, only to get barely four steps in before he swung me around. The heat between us was tangible and if I hadn't been so humilated I would have gone in for a kiss.

"Yeh Bella, Yes." He raised his voice, "Yes it is that, you are a virgin and I am not going to be the asshole who takes that away and then hurts you. I want to hang around with you, I don't know why but I just feel like I do and so I can't- I won't be that guy. There. I, Edward fucking Cullen, do not want to be the prick to hurt Bella - Satisfied?"

"Oh Bite me Edward" I spat and wrestled my wrists from his grasp. Giving him the two fingers I marched off into the wood, wishing he would follow but knowing that he wasn't.


	30. Chapter 30

My eyes were hot as I jumped into my truck and drove away. I fucking hated Edward Cullen. Every word out of his mouth felt so fucking vague and I couldn't stand it. I turned the radio on, halfway through U2 singing With or Without you, and I just burst out crying. The intensity of this situation was making me crazy. I felt like just running away, driving until I was so far from all this confusion.

I rolled the window down, it was cold but mild enough and the strong wind on my face helped me think. Edward had said _You don't think I want you? _Did he mean that he did or he didn't, and want me as what? It was not clear - I couldn't make out what he was meaning, he had said that he and I were _the most important relationship in his life_, or did he say _it was as if we were_ and what the fuck did that mean? I knew, I just knew he fancied me - it was in his eyes, in his hands, in his jeans. I knew he liked me, I could tell from his body language when he was around me, he laughed at me a lot but it was _with_ me not _at_ me. Now, according to him, he also didn't want to hurt me. "Wasn't that a bit of a cliche Edward?" I spoke my thoughts aloud, "isn't that what the prick guy always says, its not you its me... I don't want to hurt you... you're better off without me... yadda yadda" I stuck my tongue out to no-one and banged the steering wheel, screaming my frustration out of me.

I drove home. It was early and I didn't think Charlie would be home but he was and as I walked in he jumped up from where he was sitting.

"Whats the matter? You okay? - Bella!" He called after me as I stormed up the stairs.

"I got my period" I shouted down the stairs, closing my door behind me.

I sat on my bed and burst out crying, the combination of the hangover and my misery taking me over.

There was a soft rap on the door, followed by another and then the door shoved open slightly, allowing Charlie to poke his head through.

"What Dad?" i practically hissed at him, snapping my head up and revealing my blotchy face.

He sighed and shifted a bit, "Bella, I know you have your privacy and I know things are hard for young women sometimes but I also know that it is unlikely for a young healthy girl to get her period five times in one month"

I glared at him.

"Whats goin' on with you Bells?" Charlie moved into the room then, leaning on the doorframe, "you're skipping school all the time, you are never here anymore - staying out late, you seem to be getting more off kilter every day - what is happening in your life that you seem so out of it?"

"Ch-Dad! There is nothing wrong with me, can you just leave it?"

Charlie stood for a moment and I thought he would go, but then he walked further into the room and smoothed out his moustache before giving me the longest speech I think I'd ever heard from him, "Well now no is the clear answer to that, I'm not going to just leave it when my daughter is running into the house, obviously crying and I know you're skipping school - is it a boy? Has someone hurt you?"

My eyes brimmed with tears, what now Charlie was all over the 'Lets Not Hurt Bella' campaign? I shook my head at him and just shrugged, "It isn't a big deal Dad" I muttered.

Charlie shifted from one foot to the other, "It obviously _is_ to you Bells" He said and reached out to pat my shoulder awkwardly. His face looked so worried I couldn't bear it.

"Its nothing" I shook myself and smiled, "I'm being silly and fickle, really dad, its fine"

He looked inquisitively at me for a moment and then said "Okay, well I'm here if you need anything" and left the room.

My mom rang about ten minutes and 14 seconds after that with a Oh I just thought I'd call voice and instead of normally telling her everything as I would have, I told her it was fine too. I knew what any sane person would say... I knew what I was even saying to myself. I knew though, that I couldn't.

I couldn't just stop everything I felt in its tracks, everything I felt for Edward - masochistic as it seemed, standing screaming and fighting with Edward Cullen was better than having a great time with anyone else.

Shit. FUCK.

I was in love with him.


	31. Chapter 31

I ran a bath, keeping the water cooler than I normally would. Sitting on the edge of the hard rolltop in a trance as the water crept up the sides and then gurgled into the overflow pipe. I snapped back to the moment and pulled the plug out for just as long as I needed to get the water level to somewhere midway. Then I undressed, feeling almost like a patient, and stepped in. I didn't lie back, I didn't relax and I didn't masturbate. It was like that side of me, that horny girl who thought of nothing but her next orgasm, was gone. Instead I sat in the water, as it cooled even further, hugging my knees.

After my bath I sat in my towel on the edge of my bed for what seemed like an age. I wasn't really thinking about anything, I had worn myself out thinking. Over analysing everything had slowed me up. I needed a break from thinking and so my brain had obliged. I searched out clean pyjamas, and changed the sheets on my bed. I hoovered my room. I tidied my bookshelf and then I sat down in front of the mirror and carefully cut my hair.

When I was finished I looked in the mirror, the hair style made me look older and more serious. Yes this fits I thought. I had layered it around my face, in a messy crop but left length under the layers. Very Joan Jett I thought. I was pleased. This is me, the new me. I am not the silly little fudding girl who wants to lose her virginity to whoever she can find to do it. I stared for a while into the bin at my hair cuttings. I reached in and touched the silky strands. Enough was enough, Goodbye old Bella.

I slipped between the crisp cold clean sheets and it was like heaven. Lying there in the twilight, the moon peeping through the tree outside my window, I was contented for the first time in weeks. I knew this change would not be instantaneous - even thinking about seeing Edward regressed me a little. Just the thought of him shouting back at me in the meadow made the nerves in my hands twitch. I rolled onto my stomach and waited patiently for sleep.

Just before it found me, I heard my phone alert me to a new text message. The new me was not strong enough to resist the curiosity and so I stretched across and grabbed it. In the dark I pressed read, the bright screen hurting my eyes, and the message flashed up.

**can i call over? **

**its important**

Jacob. I text back quickly, regretting it the minute I pressed send, I could have pretended I never got the message until morning if I'd thought about it for a minute.

**I'm in bed Jacob, **

**can it wait? **

I knew the reply would be no and there it was.

**no bella it cant**

I lay there for a minute and then heard a small tap on my window. Jesus he was outside? I got out of bed and shuffled over to the window, reaching it as my phone beeped again.

I read the message as I pushed open the window.

**I'm on my way **

Huh? I looked down. _Oh holy fuck_. Edward was standing looking like a ghost in my front yard.

"What the hell? Edward!" I said, leaning out into the cool air. My mind raced. I couldn't figure it out, Jacob and Edward both with things to say that couldn't wait apparently.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" Edward shouted.

"_Ssssh_!" I hissed, "_Shut the fuck up, my dad will hear you- WHAT are you doing here_?"

"Come down!" He pleaded, clasping his hands in mock prayer.

I had no choice, I had to get him out of here. Whatever about hurting Jacob I definatley didn't want it to be harder, and having to explain about Edward was not an option as far as I was concerned.

I raced down the stairs, grabbing my parka, and out into the front yard.

"Sexy..." Edward said dryly in reference to my santa claus pyjamas and Charlies slippers.

"Look you can't be here Edward" I said firmly, attempting to push him around to his car.

He was immoveable, "Jesus what are you made from? Marble?" I put the whole of my body into the push but still he remained where he was. He was laughing gently through his nose, little snuffs of amusment into my hair. I looked up into his eyes, ceasing my attempt to move him. He looked at me so softly I thought I might cry. He touched my cheek with a finger and pushed my shorn locks behind my ear, "Your hair looks good" He said in a whisper.

"Thanks" I whispered back. The moment was coming to an end and I couldn't stand the thought of his leaving but I knew he just _had_ to go, "Jacobs on his way _here_, Edward, you have to go"

His jaw flexed and his mouth went into a firm line.

"I'm not leaving, I don't want that fucker anywhere near you"

"Oh don't be so ridiculous - he hasn't done anything to you and he certainly hasn't done anything to me" Edward raised his eyebrows in disbelief so I started pushing again, and this time I got a slight step backwards. I head butted his chest like a goat and he stepped back.

"Bella I'm not _fucking going_"

I looked up at him, "Please Edward, its not what you... I need to stop things with him... not that there has been anything to speak of, but you just need to let me talk to him without you here... it _won't work_ if you're here"

"I'll sit in my car then"

"Oh holy fuck, you will in your ass" I thumped him in the arm, "Just fucking go, you are just dead set on making my fucking life harder"

He smiled then and I got completely infuriated. He decided not to push it though and said suddenly "Okay I'll go, but I'm coming back later" turning on his heel to go to his car. He was suddenly bathed in light and I realised Jacobs truck was just at my house. Fuck. My brain practically split in two.

Jacob pulled over and jumped out of his truck, storming over to where I stood with Edward.

"What the f...?" He immediatley pushed Edward back from where I stood and got between us.

"Jacob! What are you doing?" I yelled but before I knew it Edward had pushed him back and they were rolling around in the grass.

"Edward! Jacob! Stop it!" I yelled, trying to see a way to separate them. Jacob punched Edward then, across the jaw and Edward immediately threw Jacob onto his back, thumping him in the ribs. I yelled even harder but then suddenly from behind me a huge wave of water appeared soaking the two fighters and quelling their fury with its iciness.

Charlie.

"What in hell is going on here?" He stood, dropping the bucket to the ground and placing his hands on his hips, "Do I need to call for back up here?" He glanced sideways at me then and I shook my head.

Edward got off Jacob and stood back, breathing heavily and wiping his lip with the back of his hand to check for blood. Jacob got to his feet, and looked at me, "Sorry Bella" he said in short gasps between adrenalin fuelled breaths.

Edward, who was bent double now to catch his breath, hands on his own knees, looked up at me through his bronze hair, "I'm not"

"You're not what?" I asked

"I'm not sorry" He wheezed, and suddenly Jacob was on him again and they were wrestling, each trying to pin the other down. Charlie was in like a light, grabbing the two by the scruffs and pulling them apart as easily as if they were puppies.

"You over there" He ordered Edward, "and you - there!" he sent Jacob to the other end of the garden.

Charlie looked back and forth between the two fighters, "What the hell is going on here? There I was thinking my daughter was tucked up in bed asleep and suddenly I find her out here watching some idiots fight? I presume over you?" He quirked an eyebrow at me, I looked at my feet.

"Now you!" he pointed at Edward, "Since you say you're not sorry, you go first, go on in your car and head on home, I don't want to have to call your father."

Edward looked ready to argue but Charlie just clicked his fingers and Edward obeyed. He sat heavily into his car, staring Jacob down the whole time, and then sped off.

Jacob stood there, looking like a naughty child. Charlie turned to him, "Now you too" he said and gestured Jacob to his car.

Jacob remonstrated, "Chief Swan I really need a word with Bella, I'm not here to cause trouble"

Charlie shook his head, "What got into you Jacob? Billy wouldn't like to see you acting like this, you know how he feels about fighting"

Jacob hung his head, "I know Chief Swan, but please, let me just talk to Bella for one minute - please?"

MY father looked at me and I nodded.

"Okay Jacob, but I'm warning you Boy - I will be keeping a close eye on you from now on, I'm not having you causing trouble for your father - y'hear me?"

Jacob nodded slowly. Charlie turned to leave, and paused looking at me strongly, "You just holler if fisty here steps one paw out of line okay?"

"Okay Dad, thanks" I mumbled, loving my father very much at that moment. It was nice to have at least one person in my life who thought about me before themselves.


	32. Chapter 32

"Can we walk?" Jacob asked

"Not really Jake, I'm in my pjs" I opened my coat a fraction to display my festive print pyjamas.

"Just around the block?" He quirked an eyebrow and I nodded, not really caring if I was seen after all.

We walked along without speaking for a few minutes, Jacob inhaled a few times as if to speak but exhaled again without a word.

"I like your hair" He finally said and I looked across at him gratefully, "Thanks"

We walked a bit more, our footsteps the only break in the silence.

Then Jacob nodded, as if to himself, and inhaled sharply before speaking, "Bella what did I do?"

I slowed to a stop and he turned to face me, "What did I do wrong?"

"I don't..." I shook my head tensely, "I don't know what you mean"

"To turn you off me, what did I do?"

"Jacob you didn't do anything and I never turned off you, its just complicated"

"How?" He looked so vulnerable in the moonlight, and so handsome I could barely stand it, I didn't want to hurt him. He was just so sweet and good. What the fuck was my problem, Jacob was obviously the intelligent choice - typical me though, stupid is as stupid does.

"It just is." I found it hard to look him in the eye, "I think... I think its just better if we aren't that way with each other"

"I don't understand- what is with you and Cullen?" Jacob said angrily, "I mean last week you didn't even say hi to him and now he is at your house in the middle of the night - the guy is a frikkin creep, I don't even know what the fuck you are talking to him for"

"He turned up here Jacob, I didn't invite him"

"Turned up for what though? I don't fucking get this"

"There is something... there is a thing with Edward... Edward and I"

He paled, "Since when?" His voice shook.

"Since about a couple months" I couldn't be but honest with Jacob.

His face fell, "You mean at the same... I mean while I was... while we...."

I nodded, "Jacob its not like much really went on though, _with us_,is it?"

"There was for me" He looked so desolate. I took his two hands in mine, they were large and warm and so opposite of Edwards, whose hands were cool and slim.

"Jacob...I..." but there was nothing to say, I wanted to fix it, to go back in time but I couldn't. I rubbed the tops of his hands with my thumbs, "Jake you are such a good guy, and I've been a bitch, I just don't know what to say-except I didn't mean it, I like you, really like you- I just think that maybe I love... _him_"

I don't know what I expected to happen, I suppose I wished for a hug and a promise to stay friends. Instead Jacob shook my grip off roughly, "You are a fucking asshole" He said through gritted teeth and then he stormed off, stopping to turn and say, "hope he fucking dumps you" before walking around the corner and out of sight.

I put my head back and dropped my arms to my sides and I felt like screaming. What the fuck was with all this 'being left alone' shit? Jesus chivalry was seriously dead. Edward leaves me naked in meadows, and Jacob leaves me in my pyjamas outside in the middle of the night. I flinched as Jacob drove past without even looking up, then I started the walk back to Charlies house and my welcome bed.

***


	33. Chapter 33

I didn't sleep a wink, everything seemed so surreal in the middle of the night and so I got back up and went downstairs quietly. Charlie was asleep I could hear him snoring, and he had worn himself out lecturing me about never getting between two fighting boys, and the nature of young men, and how hormones were racing through their veins - the same hormones, according to Charlie, that were responsible for lots of young mothers missing the opportunities of education by having babies too young, and he hoped I was more sensible than to jump into a serious situation, relationship wise.

I had nodded the way through, and 'of course'd and 'yes dad'ed until he shut up and went to bed.

So back downstairs I put on the movie channel, and stared blankly at the screen, thinking and rethinking the night over and over again.

Then my phone beeped. My heart and stomach collided.

**Are you awake?**

It was Edward. I didn't need to text back, I knew he was outside and so I through a pair of jeans on, grabbed my parka, scribbled a note saying "_went for an early walk x_" for Charlie and left the house, making sure to close the door quietly.

He was parked a bit down the street, the sound of his cars engine turning over was like music to my ears. I practically ran to the car, and as I neared it he stepped out of the drivers side, looking like heaven in a reefer jacket, and I ran into his arms. He buried his head in my neck and then, and everything felt like slow motion, pulled away to look deeply into my eyes before kissing me full on the mouth, lifting me off my feet and pressing me to him.

"Lets go for a drive" He spoke into our kiss, and I nodded delaying pulling away until he did.

He placed me on the ground and walked ahead of me to open the passenger door. Then he joined me on the drivers side, and we drove away.

Night time in Edwards car was romantic, the smell of the new leather on the seats and the lights on the dashboard. It was cool, with a light breeze from the fan, and the streetlights illuminating his face to a perfect beat was hypnotic.

We drove for a while and eventually turned in to what I knew was the Cullens house. Parking outside Edward turned to me and said, "My folks are away"

We still moved cautiously through the house, closing doors quietly, Edward explained, "My sister Alice gets excited when there are visitors... she'd only hang around"

Tiptoeing up the stairs was the most exciting five minutes I'd ever experienced, the promise of being with Edward - and in a bed - was electrifying, and added to the danger of being caught by one of Edwards siblings, my heart raced and adrenalin coursed my veins.

Once in his room we relaxed and I felt suddenly shy, moving around looking at his shelves and trying not to look at the bed which seemed to be glowing in its promises.

I opened the balcony door and stepped out onto a large terrace, moving toward the rail to take in the view.

"This is amazing" I stated, looking over my shoulder at Edward, "the lights..."

His arms snaked around my waist, and he tucked his chin into the crook of my collarbone. I turned my face to him and he kissed me, turning me around to him. I rubbed my forehead against his, like an affectionate cat and then pulled back to look into his eyes.

"Hi" he whispered.

"Oh..." I was overwhelmed by my feelings, "Edward I..." I stopped short, too soon Bella too soon. I kissed him instead, feeling his hands grow more urgent across my back.

Kissing me all the while, Edward pulled me gently back into the room and over to lie on the bed. He hovered over me then, looking at me with such heat I nearly passed out.

He kissed me gently on the mouth, chastely, and then my cheeks, my nose, my forehead, my eyelids. It was so gentle and tender I felt the hot sting of tears mount behind my eyes. I pulled him close and hugged him. He snaked his arms around my neck, holding me back, lifting his mouth now and again to kiss my cheek and my neck. We lay like that for hours and somewhere in that time we both fell fast asleep.


	34. Chapter 34

"Morning fatso" I heard Edward whisper in my ear as I came around, surprised at the lightness of the room, night obviously far behind us.

"You are such a weirdo Cullen" I replied, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"You need way more food, I was in agony with those skinny hip bones sticking into me all night" Edward poked my hip and grimaced.

"I'm healthy, just small boned" I said matter of factly.

"Well that-" He prodded me again, "-does not feel small when its trying to castrate a person"

I giggled, "You dork"

He bounced the bed a little, "What'll we do? Today? What'll we do?"

"Ugh, I better go to school - what time is it?" I frowned, "I've skipped so much lately"

"Cool" Edward seemed content with that, he picked some stray hairs from his pillow and handed them to me "These belong to you?"

"Keep 'em" I ran my fingers through my hair, momentarily surprised by its shortness, "Can you just drop me home first though? I need to get dressed properly"

"I could help you with that" Edward leaned toward me, comedically emitting a low growl.

"Fuck off" I said, ruffling his messy hair.

"Okay here is the plan" he said standing up off the bed and shoving his hands into his jeans pockets, "I'm gonna drop you home, come back here, shower, shave etc, and then come back to pick you up - yeah?"

"Yeah cool" I suddenly thought about walking into school with Edward, and my heart raced. Jessica Stanleys face popped into my head, I remembered her note for Edward and shoved my hand into my jacket pocket, was I wearing this one? Ha! It was there.

"Oh yeah" I said, handing Edward the crumpled paper, "I was supposed to give you this"

He looked confused and opened it, his face dropping into utter digust, _Thank God_, "Ugh, are you fucking serious? She gave you this for me?"

I nodded, obviously thankful at his reaction.

"What a fuckin tart" Edward shook his head. Then he walked across to a large cork message board and carefully pinned the picture on.

"Hey!" I put on my most offended face, "What the hell?"

"Its insurance" He said with a closed grin, "If you ever run off I can always seek solice in Stanley"

"That attitude could make that come fucking true you fucker Cullen" I said flipping him the bird.

He grabbed my finger and without any resistance from me, put it into his mouth, pressing his teeth against my skin firmly but gently.

"Ow!" I yelled and he let go, pushing me back onto the bed with his body and suddenly spreading my legs with his knees. My heart palpitated wildly.

"You are too sexy" he growled into my neck and I could feel heat between our bodies. I pushed against him, hitching my leg around his knee and levering myself into prime position.

Its so funny what we think about in those moments of passion but my prevailing thought was "_How do I avoid kissing this guy on the mouth since I haven't brushed my teeth_" though I reckoned Edward was thinking the same thing as we ducked and dove each others mouths for the few minutes of closeness we had.

We were stopped in our tracks by Edwards door banging open and a huge lumbering Emmett walked in, with a towel over his head.

"Ed you fucking queer - you awake? I have to use your fucking shower man, mine just fucking ceased and I've fucking soap in my eyes man" He continued blindly into the bathroom adjacent to Edwards room and shut the door behind him.

Edward smiled widely, his beautiful teeth catching on his lip, "Lets get going" whispered. I traced his nose with my finger and pinged the tip of it, I nodded.

We snuck down the stairs, and on reaching the front door we heard Alices high pitched squeak, "Edward? Ed?" so we ran for the car. Thank god for tinted windows, I managed to get in just as Alice ran out into the yard, "EDWARD!" She yelled, and he stopped half in and half out of the car.

"What?" He asked gruffly.

"Jesus, where are you going so early?"

"What the... its none of your fucking business"

"Whatever!" She pursed her mouth, "Tanya was looking for you last night Edward, you better call her - she sounds pissed"

Edward froze. Alice stood looking at him for a minute and then turned on her heel and flounced away.

My throat constricted. Tanya? Who the fuck was Tanya? After what seemed like minutes but was really only seconds, Edward landed into his seat beside me and without looking at me, started the car and drove on out of the driveway.

I tried to sound cheerful and interested, "Who's Tanya?" I asked. Breezy.

"Uh, she... eh..." _Did he just fucking gulp_?

"She?" I raised my eyebrows, feeling my stomach sink.

"She is just this girl that everyone thinks should be my girlfriend I suppose" He offered.

"Everyone thinks?" I felt sick, "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Oh Bella, its nothing" His voice got thick, "Our families are close, she is my age, there was jokes about us ending up together, thats not unusual you know"

"Yeh I know" I supposed my dad had joked about that with Billy, once or twice I'd caught them chatting about how they could matchmake. I stared out the window and thought my feelings through, deciding they were irrational and that jealousy had no place in the new me.

***

I showered and dressed myself as cutely as I could given my limited wardrobe. I really liked my hair, and finding an old kohl pencil in my make up drawer I applied black lines around my eyes, smudging them into the lashes. I liked the effect, it suited my new look.

Edward beeped for me and I ran out immediatley, I'd been sitting on the couch waiting for him for an excrutiating ten minutes before he got there. Fucking agony.

He looked at me long and hard when I sat into the car, "I'm liking this new look Bella" He said, chewing his bottom lip and making me horny, "a. Lot."

We arrived at school, and all heads turned as we walked into the rec area. Gossip was what this small town lived for, and news - no matter how small - was news worth talking about. For days. For weeks. Not that I cared, it was all good from where I stood. Passing Stanley in the corridor with Edwards arm thrown casually across my shoulder, I couldn't resist a smirk in her direction. She fumed at me. I was enjoying the attention, who wouldn't? This godlike man was walking alongside ME in the corridor, waiting for ME after class, leaning against my locker talking about what we should do after school, bowing his head to hear me whisper and then nuzzling my neck because, as he said, he couldn't resist my skin.

In class I would feel his eyes burning into my back and I'd turn slightly in my chair and look over my shoulder to meet his gaze. I'd stare back at him, flitting from his eyes to his mouth. I wished so hard that the bell would just ring and we could move quickly through the corridors, my hand in his hand, to some far off corner to just be alone.

Finally it did, and without a word, Edward grabbed my hand and we practically ran through the school to the library block where an unused art room became our refuge.

He banged me up against the wall and pushed my top up over my head leaving me standing in my jeans and bra. Edward traced my collarbone with his index finger, then down between my breasts, unclipping the front fastener of my bra with a click of his fingers. He cupped my breasts in both hands, in a sensual gesture of curiousity more than lust. His face was so still. I just stood there as he explored my chest for a moment. Then slowly and so cautiously he lowered his face to mine and took my lips between his. I opened my mouth, allowing my tongue to rest on my lower lip, feeling his mouth cautious, tasting me. I pulled away slightly to look him deep in the eyes, "You're just so... beautiful" I said, drinking in his face, imprinting this moment into my memory.

"So are you" He whispered, moving us over into a corner where a pile of dust sheets lay in a heap.

We lay down.


	35. Chapter 35

**Okay this is the longest chapter so far and it is that way because it is a _LEMON_****!!! So if you don't like reading the literal _ins and outs_**** then just skip this! I didn't want to do a mills & boon lemon, but it kinda turned out more soppy then I imagined - thats where the characters wanted to go and so thats where we went.**

**Do leave reviews!! I love hearing from you all!!**

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It felt weird to be standing there in my bra while Edward fussed with the dustsheets so I put my top back on. Eventually he had everything as comfortable as it was going to get and he beckoned me to him. Time seemed to slow down then, and we were in our own little world. No longer in a school building, no longer in danger of being discovered.

I lay beside Edward on the dust sheets in the darkened unused art room for a long while just looking. I looked at him, and he looked at me, closing his eyes in long blinks and opening them to look at me again. It was as though he thought I might disappear. We lay like that for a while and then Edward propped himself on one elbow and gently dropped a chaste kiss on my mouth. And another. And another.

"Bella... I...." He dropped his forehead to press into my chest for a moment and then raised it to look at me again, "You have no fucking idea Bella...what you do to me" He said.

I didn't touch him, I just lay in the warm gaze of his golden eyes yielding when he kissed me, deeper this time, his hair falling forward and tickling my face. I smiled as we kissed and he smiled too, his palm pressed to my ribcage. He ran his thumb under my breast, and I hoped he would head for second base. But his hand moved to my stomach, and he held it there for a long excrutiating moment. I wanted him to move it lower but I felt like I wanted this moment to last forever so I just enjoyed the warmth of his hand through my top. I kissed Edward back, softly, allowing my tongue to explore the warm cavern of his mouth. I ran my tongue along his perfect teeth and found the sensation so erotic I opened my mouth wider and the kiss went to another level of intimacy, deep and passionate. I pushed him back to lying down and I lay along him, hitching my leg over his. He pushed his thigh against me, and I felt a hot pulse in my clit. I pressed against him, sucking on his tongue, and lips.

He rolled me onto him so that I lay straddled across him, wishing I could just_ poof_ our clothes off and get everything happening _now_.

Edward was so beautiful, even after shaving his skin was still rough like sand paper and I found it so erotic, I rested my palm on his cheek as I kissed him, then I brought my other hand up and I held his face. I opened my eyes and Edward was looking at me. I pulled back briefly to ask "What?" and he just smiled and whispered, "Oh Bella...".

This did not feel like just an action anymore, this didn't feel like doing it, getting it on, or any of those things. This felt like making love, at least, I admitted to myself, that is what I was doing. Edward had caught me by the heart the very first day I saw him, and fast as it felt who was to question my feelings? - They were what they were.

He kissed me with an urgency then, and I instinctively moved my hips against him. He wrapped his arms around me and rolled me onto my back, removing his top in one swift motion and I was so eager to feel his skin on mine again that I sat up too quickly, just as he was lying back down and we butted heads. Edward burst out laughing, and I blushed, rubbing my forehead, "You dufus" He murmured as he continued and pressed his lips against my ear. I forgot about my forehead instantly and allowed Edward to finish the job in hand.

Instead of taking it over my head, Edward went for the button route, opening each button and then gently kissing the bare flesh that lay behind it. By the last button my whole body felt on fire and I was almost whining with my need for more. I hadn't reclipped my bra and when my shirt fell open Edward inhaled so sharply he whistled. I shut my eyes to stop from giggling, and he was suddenly kissing my bare skin. The hot wet sensation around my nipples was both excruciating and divine. I pulled his head to take me deeper into his mouth and he took the cue, sucking and licking until I thought my back would break from arching. My tits became electric, the nerves fizzing and begging for his mouth to move harder. I pulled Edward's hair gently with my fingers and brought his face back to mine, his hands replacing his mouth on my chest. I pressed his mouth open with urgent lips and my tongue found his. I sighed audibly. He tasted lovely, like honey and milk.

I opened his jeans in a swift motion, thanking god for the button fly, and pushed down on the waistband, "Take them off" I whispered into Edward's ear.

He got to his knees. "Lets sort this out properly" He said, catching his breath, "this needs to be perfect" and then he set about making a little den for us in the corner where we lay. He pulled a screen over to shade us from the door, and then placed boxes around us. Finally he covered the area with black sheeting he found in a cupboard making a little cave. Before he crawled back into me he removed his shoes, socks and jeans. He returned to my side, on his knees, his hard on clear through his white cotton shorts, and his chest was rising and falling quickly in anticipation. I was excited and frightened, hopeful and fearful all at the same time and my heart was racing. He undid my jeans, pausing to look at me seriously and ask, "Bella, are you really sure?". I nodded and he dropped his head onto my stomach.

"We should probably talk about it though" He mumbled into my skin.

I grabbed his face, "Edward - talk about what? I want to do it with you - _you_. Not anyone else"

"What if I hurt you? and I don't mean _doing this_"

I felt outrage and thankfulness at the same time, "Would you not prefer to just take that risk? I know I would. Edward I wanted to lose my virginity so bad before I met you - I would have done it with a stranger, well I thought I would anyway - who knows?" I closed my eyes, "But now it has nothing to do with my virginity, I feel... I feel that I just want to get with _you_, be _with you_. I want to feel _you_ inside me. I'm hungry for it Edward, I _need_ it"

"But..."

I could have argued but instead I wriggled myself under his body again. I pressed my hips against him. "But Bella..." I silenced him with my mouth. I kissed him quiet. It was not long before Edward was answering my body with his, and there was no going back.

My eyes widened as he stripped me of my jeans, pausing for a moment to unzip my boots and discard them. Then I was in my underwear. This was it. Any moment now Edward would be inside me, and I would be fucking. I couldn't help grinning. I don't think I had ever been so happy.

Edward crawled back into position, over me, like a panther over prey, the muscles in his arms flexing as he held himself above me, kicking his boxer shorts off. I wriggled out of my underpants.

This was it. Nerves pooled at the base of my spine and mingled with the electricity of anticipation in my abdomen. I could barely breathe.

"I'll take it easy okay?" Edward said looking me in the eye, and dropping his hand between my legs, I felt his fingers brush against me and nerves shook my stomach, "Don't worry - Bella, I'll be gentle but you just say stop and I'll stop"

I smiled, feeling myself trembling in his arms, "Just fucking do it Edward" I whispered.

He took my lips softly in his and I felt the head of his dick between my legs. I resisted the urge to tense up, "Shit - a rubber! Edward!" I practically shouted.

"I have it on already, its on" He gasped and I felt his hand reach between us and position himself at my entrance.

My stomach did somersaults and I couldn't catch my breath, but the hot throb of my clit and the steady spasm of my insides were like signing on the dotted line. I knew Edward felt the same, the heat was in his eyes as he pulled away from kissing me to look hard into mine. This was an irresistible force, we wanted each other. I needed Edward and if his expression showed me, so sweetly, that he felt the same. He nodded at me, "Okay?" he whispered.

I took a deep breath and remembered what I had read, to exhale heavily at the moment of penetration. I nodded and felt him push so I breathed out and in that long hot breath he was inside me, my head spun, a slight sting echoed between my legs but the sound Edward made as he thrust into me overtook anything else, its ecstasy contagious, and I rocked myself against him, welcoming him to me.

He moaned, and buried his face into my neck. I felt him grimace and then open his mouth wide against my neck with the sensations that my body was giving him. He made a long 'hah' sound, like a groan and an exclamation mixed together. The emotion involved in this was something I had never considered. Edward was feeling amazing things because of my body and I was feeling amazing things because of his. It was fucking beautiful. Fucking was beautiful.

He began to move in me, eventually lifting his head to ask "You all right?" to which I smiled and nodded as enthusiastically as I could muster, biting my lip to keep from wailing with pleasure. The sweat was pooling between us, the smell of it was intoxicating and I was drunk on it. Our mouths, our bodies, our hands all became one creature. We rocked together, the pace intensifying until I felt that familiar surge of pressure in my clit and knew there was one mother-fucking orgasm on its way.

"Can I go on top?" I broke the pace to ask, and Edward rolled off me and onto his back.

I was unsure of how to proceed so Edward guided my legs and gently maneuvered me back onto him again. I felt the hardness of it, it filled me and the pressure was intense. I was so surprised to feel joy - I wasn't even halfway finished and I was dreaming of doing it again. I leaned forward, finding my clit a spot on his pelvic bone to bring my orgasm on. Losing myself a bit, I moved on Edward, abandoning kissing in favor of watching each other. His eyes flickered over my chest, closing his eyes and biting his lip and he would, sort of, peek at me as if the sight of me was too much to bear.

"Are you nearly there?" He asked me grimacing.

"Don't you fucking dare come Cullen" I ordered, feeling out of control but so so close. I tried not to think about it, knowing from my solo experience that orgasms were shy creatures - only coming out when no-one was paying much attention to the climax itself. I needed this orgasm more than I needed anything at that moment, I wanted it more even than I wanted Edward. This would not be ending with me fudding myself, or even Edward helping either. This would work out perfectly or my name wasn't Bella fucking Swan.

He bit his lip and I reckoned he was thinking of something else instead of what we were doing, which upset me a bit but the emotion was fleeting. I wanted him to be completely involved, as I was, not taking himself elsewhere to count cars or whatever it was they did. Suddenly I felt a muscle begin to clutch in my abdomen, and I knew I was heading into a massive climax. My orgasm galloped in then, shuddering through my clit, radiating in my abdomen and spreading across my legs. I made a sound like an animal, I tried to stop myself but it forced its way out of my throat. I nodded, exhausted, at Edward, to let him know he was free to abandon control and he immediatley rolled us over. But instead of speeding up, as I had presumed he would, Edward began moving again slowly. The feeling was completely overwhelming, and I had to concentrate not to cry. "You okay? Bella?" Edward spoke so sweetly, moving so slowly inside me that we were practically still. I replied with a long kiss, my hands moving to his ass encouraging him to let go and then we took up a faster rhythm again. We became like the sea, gentle waves turning to loud heavy waves, in and out, that crashed against the rocks. It was nature, what we were doing, and I felt so close to the animal side of me. Edward became very still then, frozen in our deep kiss, his tongue leaving my mouth but his lips remaining pressed on mine. His face creased with concentration, holding his breath and then he trembled, exhaling loudly.

Feeling Edward leave my body was such a strange sensation. I felt a loss, that I was no longer integral to his survival, as I had minutes before. It didn't last long, as he wrapped his naked body around mine, like I was his possession and I lay in complete contentment, reveling in the sound of his heart pounding against my skin.

"Bella...you are so fucking sexy, I swear to God I nearly exploded"He said, his lips moving on my skin.

I turned my face to his, "Edward that was... just...." I replaced my words with a high pitched squeal. He nodded, a smile breaking his serious face.

"We're pretty good at fucking aren't we?" He said definately, and with pride. He pulled me closer and sniffed my skin, "I like your sex smell"

I wrinkled my nose, "I don't know if I want to _have_ a sex smell"

He snuffled into my armpit, "Edward! Eeuuw stop it" but I was pleased, I felt so wanted, so endeared to him. I suspected, no I hoped that I was not the only one in love.


	36. Chapter 36

**Slipping another one of these in here for good measure... its nice to hear what the man himself is thinking!**

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_She'll let you in her house_

_If you come knockin late at night_

_She'll let you in her mouth_

_If the words you say are right_

_If you pay the price_

_She'll let you deep inside_

_But theres a secret garden she hides_

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__Edward POV_

How had this happened to me? How was I here, sitting with this little fox in the back seat of my car as she babbled away about how she almost got caught by Chief Swan after fucking me for hours in her bedroom the night before.

How the fuck had I ended up here? With feelings like this? I could barely look her in the eye without wanting to kiss her, to touch her.

I should have fought this harder but that night after seeing her climb in that mongrels window and that night lying awake thinking about his dick being the first one in her - it nearly fucking killed me.

Bella was mine.

I had sworn off women, but this girl was just impossible to resist. I'd tried, believe me, that virgin card had me promising myself I'd steer clear. Who wanted to be that guy? The hymen breaker. Not fucking me.

I'd been fooling myself though, it was me. I was that guy - for Bella at least. I'd realised that her virginity, although it wasn't precious to her, was precious to me. I wasn't going to let some other insensitive jerk-off jam into her, awkwardly and roughly.

Thats when I'd decided it _had_ to be me. I hadn't expected fucking Bella to be so unbelievably good that I would be forever in _her_ debt though, _that _had taken me by surprise.

Her little tits bounced up and down as she laughed, recalling her lame excuses for all the banging as she snuck me out the door and suddenly it was too much, I grabbed her close and kissed her, inhaling her scent as far into my nose as I could without making her laugh. She found it so funny that I sniffed her, but now was not the time for humour.

Tasting her strawberry lip balm nearly had me come there and then. I was so far gone on this girl. I just wanted her all the time, I wanted her legs around my waist 24 hours a day, and the only fucking reason I didn't was a purely logistical one.

"Can you get away?" I asked into her neck, "like for a night"

She pushed my face back with her hand and her big dark eyes widened, "I bet I could"

I nodded, "I want you all night, I fucking hate this 'you have to go' bullshit"

"I know" she whispered. I levered her mouth open with my chin and found her tongue, that little wet warm piece of heaven. Her eyes fluttered closed and I looked at her, those black eyelashes, the tiny trace of freckles on the bridge of her nose. I loved being face to face with Bella. She was fucking beautiful anyway, but up close - the girl was divine.

Getting into Bella was the main focus of every day and so far we'd been lucky, able to find places and time to fuck. That hill up to the meadow was not easy with a boner, but I would have crawled if it meant getting it. Her little body was my refuge. Thats how it felt, getting with her, getting inside her was escape from all the other bullshit I had to put up with.

Like Rose and Alice on my case all the time, and Emmett always proving he was bigger than me - not a day went by when he would pin me down or punch me. Yeah yeah Emmett I fucking get it - you are a big guy. Rose never fucking left me alone, always "What are you doing? Where are you going?" Acting like she was my mother. Alice too.

Jesus my actual mother was easier on me than my sisters. Not that Mom and my Dad were easy going. I had yet to make it to bed without a "talk".

The fucking tv would be switched off and I'd hear that dreaded "How are you getting on Edward?" out of my fathers mouth. Then after an hours lecture on what I should be doing to get where I want to go, I'd be given the go ahead for bed.

I'd lie awake, pissed off, at the fact that it was never an issue - never even asked - what I was actually doing and what I actually wanted. It was no fucking different than when I'd been at Sebs. Dad and Mom choosing my subjects, my friends, my fucking life.

I fucking hated school, hated how they spoke to me like I was an asshole. The thoughts of going to college made me want to fucking escape and never come back.

So Bella was the only person in the world who really knew what I wanted, even if at the moment the only thing I actually wanted was _her_.

Her little belly, her throat, her hair, her ankles gripping my hips - the girl was perfect.

Every single piece of her made sense to me. I loved how her hair never lay flat, and her face jerked around when she talked. I loved how the pulse in her neck could be seen clearly, blue and throbbing. I loved the short nails on her fingers, I loved the way her eyelids pulled away from her eye at the corners. I loved the curve of her nose and how her top lip was thinner than the bottom. I loved how she didn't seem to give a shit, but really I knew she did. I loved how she couldn't make ten steps without fucking falling or dropping something and I loved the indignance when she did, as if it was the only time it had ever happened to her.

I loved knowing I was the only dick ever to get into her. I was the only one. It would stay that way. I wanted Bella forever.

I loved her for fucks sake.

And now I was inside her again, thanking God for one way windows.

Fucking her in the parking lot of our school, while other students mingled around heading for classes. The thrill was unbelievable and I couldn't contain myself, biting her neck and groping her tits as she slid herself onto me.

Holy shit.

It took all my will power not to come then and there as a bunch of kids stood chatting close to the car. One even fucking leaned on the car. The excitement was like a drug and Bella felt it too - staring with thrilled eyes into mine - as we froze mid thrust. Then she giggled and said, "You don't fucking move Cullen" and she started to move up and down, so slowly I thought I would explode with sensation.

She leaned back, pulling her knees close into my hips. Then she caught my eye and whispered, "Look at me" but I couldn't. I flickered my eyes to her face, and her chest as she slowly and rhythmically lifted herself up and off my dick, and then on and down. Suddenly there was no-one around, we were no longer in the car in the parking lot of our school. Instead we were in outer space, or underground.

Only Bella and I existed.

"Look at me"

And so I forced myself to look at her. The intensity was almost painful. To see her fuck me like that, just totally belonging to me, appreciating me, wanting me just as I was. Not like other girls I had dated, who had tried to make me something I wasn't. Bella was with _me_. Just me.

My throat constricted and I felt my eyes burn. How had this happened? How was I here, feeling these feelings.

A few months ago I had had nothing, no friends, no school, no fucking solitude from the barrage of interference my parents called concern.

Now I was here, in this secret garden, with everything I ever wanted sitting on my lap, half dressed and fucking me like I'd never been fucked before. She wouldn't let me move, every time I started to pull her in, or thrust into her, she would _tut tut _with her tongue and force me back. "Stay still or I'll stop" She warned. I froze, focusing on her face and trying to ignore the screaming sensations in my dick.

Bella came, with that familiar thick moan that was music to my ears, as it meant I could relax and stop thinking at last. I came immediately after her, shuddering and grasping her to me.

I took her face in my hands and softly kissed her hot mouth.

We sat there in the back of the car, ditching classes, for hours without speaking. Her little face smashed into my neck, my arms wrapped around her, the feeling of her moist breath on my skin.

Heaven.

My phone beeped. Text message. With Bella in my arms, I opened the message without thinking and it was too late, I knew she'd seen it. She stiffened in my arms.

**Ed - my prom? **

**WTF?**

**ring me. Tanya.**

Unlike any other girl I'd ever known though Bella didn't slap my face and demand an explanation. She just moved a fraction of an inch away from my side.

Fuck. Fuck. I could have killed myself for not waiting till later to check my cell.

"Bella" I said, "Its not like she is anything to me, you know, she just asked me and I wasn't with... well I said I'd go, you know, I mean I can't get out of it"

She didn't flinch, she just nodded. It seemed though she was holding her breath though so I tried to kiss her but she turned her face slightly and I only caught her cheek.

"You kinda should have told me though" She said moving further away and suddenly becoming really busy fixing her top.

FUCK. Why the fuck was this happening now, Bella was going to morph into every other girl I'd ever fucking gone out with, demanding I do things her way. Just when everything had been so perfect. I braced myself.

"Have you ever... fucked her though?" Bella turned her little face to look me in the eye.

I couldn't lie to her. So I just hung my head and stared at a spot on the back seat.

I felt Bella nod against my shoulder. Then she popped the back door open and swung her feet out onto the tarmac. I grabbed her arm, "Hey!" I said, "What the fuck? What do you want me to do? I mean i have to go - Bella!"

She shook my arm away and gave me a hard look. Then she walked around to the passenger side and retrieved her bag without a word. Within seconds she was out of sight.

I went fucking insane in the back of my car.

I banged the shit out of the headliner, punched the seats and argued with myself till I was blue.

This was fucking ridiculous - Jesus I hadn't even fucking explained properly. What the fuck was the big deal anyway? I was only fucking helping a family friend. I knew that, Tanya fucking knew that. Though I had presumed I'd fuck her at her prom, that was before I'd met Bella.

The thoughts of fucking anyone but Bella now was so abhorrent to me I couldn't even imagine it. I'd given up looking at Emmets porn mags even.

I rang Bella's phone over and over. Voicemail every time. Fuck Bella. Fucking leaving me here for no reason after probably the best fuck we'd had since the first one.

I sent her a text.

**I don't know what**

**the big fucking deal**

**is.**

Then I started my engine, and with a gaping hole in my insides, I drove home.

* * *

**A/N The quote at the beginning is from Bruce Springsteens Secret Garden on the Jerry Maguire soundtrack, which I was listening to in my car the other day and it made this EPOV necessary! What do you think? Do you like hearing from him?**


	37. Chapter 37

**Bella POV**

I had no clear idea as to why I was so upset. I stormed away from Edward's car, cursing him under my breath.

I knew I was being unreasonable but I was furious. Our bubble had been burst, life was sitting there waiting like a cat about to pounce. We were not sheltered from trouble and this Tanya girl sounded like trouble. Not her directly though just the situation, I chided myself. She was probably an all right girl, but the green eyed monster inside me hated her already. _Hated her_.

Why couldn't she bring fucking Emmett to her fucking prom. Why did it have to be Edward?

I screamed through my teeth as I jumped into my own truck, thanking all above that I had driven myself to school this morning. Every shitty teen movie I had ever seen flashed before my eyes, the hero never getting the explanation out before his leading lady strops off. Except Edward had. There was no misunderstandings here.

Heading home along the wet shining streets, I knew I had been way over the top with my reaction. I knew Edward had fucked girls before, I just hated the idea that he would be bringing one of those _SLUTS_ to her prom. Fucking Tanya. I hated her name, I hated the image of her my mind conjured up, all blonde and big tits. Gah!

I just wished Edward would say "I'm not going with her" instead of "I have to go" even though I knew he was being a better man with the later.

Ugh, why did he have to be mannerly and good on this occasion? He seemed to happily play rebel without a cause with everyone else feelings including mine.

I head-butted my steering wheel, this distance I had put between Edward and me was unbearable. I wanted to turn around and drive back, or call him. My pride shook its nasty head at me though, _let him come to you_, it said.

I didn't want to let Edward in, to this side of me. The side of me that cowered in the corner, terrified that he would suddenly realise that I was not in his league. This girl that he seemed to have become so attached to was a fraud. Every time he took my top off I raged about the small size of my tits, but I would never have shown it. I thought about every move I made with Edward, researched sexy moves to try on the internet. That one from this morning was straight off the top ten tips on iVillage. I was hoping that somewhere in there he would get so used to me being around that he wouldn't think twice about us. I wanted to become his habit.

Now I had left him alone, probably fuming, in his car with some bitch texting him about prom.

I would deserve it if he just threw in the towel and went off and fucked her. But I couldn't stop fuming. I heard my phone buzzing in my bag, fished it out and rejected Edward's call.

Then I turned the phone completely. Then common sense and regret got the better of me so I switched it back on again just as I reached home. A text message buzzed in. I read it, disgusted that Edward couldn't see the big deal. I forced the thought out of my head that _I couldn't really see it either_.

I wanted Edward to be humble and begging me for forgiveness. I just wanted him to say he wouldn't go. I didn't care if that ruined that bitches prom. I couldn't be selfless. Not where he was concerned.

I lay staring at the ceiling in my room for the rest of the day. My phone rang a couple of times but pride was digging her heels in and so I ignored it.

Then just as I went to get dinner with Charlie, his weekly treat, in _Carver Cafe_ I checked my phone. There were two missed calls, both from my mom. My stomach dropped. I had been so cocky, lying there ignoring Edward and it turned out it wasn't even him calling.

Fuck. What did this mean? My brain nearly fucking ate itself.

I reminded myself that he had called incessantly after the initial storm off so that was a good thing and to stop panicking.

My paranoia kicked in then and I had images of Edward shrugging me off like an old coat, calling Tanya on the phone and replacing me with her on his dick. The thought nearly made me puke. I shook it away.

***

The diner with Charlie was a welcome distraction. I ordered a vegetarian burger, and Charlie went for steak - no surprises there. We got cokes and sides and talked about very little. He asked me at one point if I had rearranged my love life to avoid front yard conflicts to which I just blushed and half nodded.

I had just begun to relax when the diner door swung open and Edward's sisters walked in. Both stunning, but completely different.

Alice was petite, taking after Mrs Cullen, with short black hair swinging around her chin. Rosalie was taller, blonde like Dr Cullen and with eyes that would cut through glass. I recognized them purely from photos, having been snuck through Edward's house enough times.

They wouldn't have a clue who I was, which was obvious from their conversation.

"Ugh he is just a pain" Rosalie said, throwing her jacket and bag onto the seat and then sliding in beside them.

Alice remained standing for a moment, continuing to text on her phone, before sliding in opposite to her sister.

"I could kick his ass" Rosalie continued, angrily grabbing the menu, scanning it and standing back out of the booth again, "I'm not waiting for this lazy waitress" she said, "What do you want Alice?"

Alice scanned her menu, tapping her long fingernails on the table.

"Yuck - it all looks like shit" She said craning her neck to see if anyone around her was eating. I was, she took a long hard look at my food. "I'll have what that girl is having" she pointed at me.

Rosalie looked me up and down and then at Charlie. She looked almost revolted by our normalcy. She ordered from the waitress, not caring that she was in the middle of serving another table, and sat back into the booth.

"Ed better not fuck this up for Tanya" She said, "I'm ringing him now"

There was a pause and then,

"Ed? You prick. Don't you fucking dare hang up... no YOU listen, Tanya does not deserve this. You need to call her and fucking now.... Oh did you? And? Well, thats good to . Well, you've to get a tuxedo but I can drive you to Port Angeles in the morning. Yeah... Oh and Ed? You better not fuck this up with Tanya again. Huh? Yes you fucking do care, you asshole... Ed!"

She slammed her phone down, "He fucking hung up on me again" She growled.

"He is an asshole of the highest order" Alice chirped,"I don't know what Tanya sees in him at all"

"Me neither" Rosalie agreed.

I couldn't eat. Ugh. It just made me so bitter and jealous. My brain was telling me not to over react - it meant nothing to hear that Tanya liked Edward. I mean Jessica Stanley liked Edward. It means nothing. It means nothing.

But I could feel the steam coming out of my ears.

Their food arrived and they ate quietly before completely ruining my day by launching into a discussion about Tanya's outfit for her prom. Through them I discovered that Tanya was tall, willowy - whatever that meant, and had long straight red hair which apparently looked amazing against her California tan. Oh and she had amazing jade green eyes and the straightest teeth Alice had ever seen.

I ran my tongue along my own teeth feeling the small chip in my front tooth.

Edward would hardly be able to resist advances from Tanya, she sounded like a supermodel. If she put the moves on him, he'd be only human to accept.

I wanted to run out of the diner. I wanted Rosalie and Alice to know who I was and ring Edward and tell him they'd spoken out of place.

But they didn't know me, and I could run a million miles but it wouldn't change anything. Tanya was going to take Edward from me and there was nothing I could do.

So I just sat there. Listening to their prattle. Wanting to smash every dish in the place.

In Hell.


	38. Chapter 38

Edward caught up to me as I walked to my first class. He grabbed my arm in a tight grip and said, in a low growl, "Bella can we just talk please?"

I don't know why but I just shrugged him off. I went into the crowded classroom and I took a different seat than normal.

I was so confused. I knew my anger was misdirected but I just couldn't shake it.

Edward sat where he normally did and I could feel him staring me down. I looked across, his eyes were black and full of rage.

I felt a touch of fear creeping through me - was I going too far? Was that my last shot to put it behind us and get back to where we had been?

I started to sweat, suddenly fearful of what Edward might be thinking. What if he had decided to ask me one last time to talk and then move on.

I looked at him again. He was still staring at me and when he caught my attention he mouthed, "Talk?"

I pushed my chair back, scraping it off the tiles and the teacher jumped.

"Miss Swan?" She raised her eyebrows, "everything okay?" Her face pursed into a teacherly expression.

"Uh... I have to go - I think I left my truck lights on" I practically shouted, hopping up and heading for the door.

"Oh well, okay..." I heard her trail as the door swung closed behind me.

I headed for the meadow. It was misting with rain but I didn't care. I just wanted Edward to follow me, and grab me close and say he wasn't going to Tanyas prom.

I heard his voice as I was halfway into the forest.

"Bella _WAIT_!"

I dropped my bag by a tree and walked into a small clearing, not looking around but feeling Edward follow until he was standing behind me, near enough that I could feel his breath on my hair.

"You can't expect me to be happy about it Edward" I said

"I don't" He replied.

"Don't what?" I stood so still, my back to him. I couldn't turn around. I wanted to be angry, it was the only thing I had control of. I couldn't control Edward, I couldn't control whether he loved me.

The only thing in my control was this situation, letting it go meant I returned to being vulnerable.

"Don't expect you to be happy about it"

I was so relieved to just be here with him, but I was stuck in my own tantrum. I wished I was a little more flexible within the constrains of my own personality.

I hated this. Feeling so bad without him but unable to just let it go.

I wanted him to grab me and kiss me and just force me to let this go.

"What am I supposed to do here Bella? Not go?"

Shit.

The fucker.

He was putting the outcome of this into my hands. Much as I wanted Edward to not go, I didn't want to be the controlling girlfriend.

I turned to face him, his face was so pale, ghostly white, in the blue forest light. His eyes glittered and his hair fell foreward onto his face. He shoved it back, "Bella... come on"

"I know you have to go Edward" I told him, "I just... I just hate it"

He bit his cheek on the inside, showing me a flash of his teeth, "Yeh but Bella, we haven't even... I mean..." He stalled

"What?"

"I mean I know its pretty much a given that we... are exclusive" He pointed out.

I felt incredulous, "What the hell? What has that got to do with it Cullen?" I went to thump his arm but he skirted out of the way.

"Nothing, forget it" He shook his head, "I don't know what it has to do with..."

"So hang on let me get this straight-" I shook my finger at him, "-are you thinking you are going to screw someone else? Tanya?"

"What? What the f-?" Edward held his hands up in surrender, "No! Bella I never even said that... I meant that I can't not go. If we were like _going_-going with each other, I still would have to go. I was just trying to say that we haven't even talked about that."

I beleived him but for some stupid reason I still wanted to fight him. I started walking off, but Edward grabbed me by the arm and swung me around to face him, lifting me off my feet in an embrace and pressing his forehead to mine.

"Its _you_" He practically snarled, "Jesus Bella don't you know that? Its fucking YOU - and if I get what I want out of life then its always going to be you" He smashed his mouth to mine, and I couldn't resist. The taste of him, the texture of him.

I was pretty sure that somewhere in that statement Edward had told me he loved me. I was terrified and ecstatic all at once.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him back. He placed me back on my feet and stood slightly back, still holding my hands in his.

He dipped his head to my level, looking me in the eye.

"I have to go Bella, if it was some stranger I'd call it off but Tanyas family and my family have been friends for fucking ever. I'd never hear the end of it"

I nodded, knowing he was being truthful, "I suppose" I stuck my bottom lip out, like a baby.

He grabbed it between his teeth gently. He sucked it once and then opened my mouth beneath his, in a deep kiss. I yielded, falling to his arms, and he dipped me back in a movie kiss that blew my mind.

I loved Edwards strength. He held me there as we kissed for what felt like ages. Then as suddenly as we'd begun he stood me back on my feet and, with an eyebrow quirked, said "Fancy a shag?" in the worst english accent I'd ever heard.

I burst out laughing, "You dork" but I held his hand and we practically ran back to his car. We sped away from the school to his house.

"My mom is gone for the day" He said, as we went into the house and shut the door behind us.

I nodded, enjoying the freedom of not having to whisper or sneak through the beautiful rooms.

We moved across the hall and hit the stairs, Edward dropping his keys with a clank into a large glass bowl. We started the stairs, pausing to kiss loudly up against the wall.

"Ed?!"

_Shit_. We both dropped out of each others arms and spun around to face Rosalie, who was standing drying her blonde hair with a towel. She eyeballed me, a snooty expression on her face. Then she looked straight at Edward.

"What the hell are you doing? and more to the point who is-" She gestured from my head to my feet, "-_this_?"

"Hi Rose" Edward sighed, "This is Bella, say hi to Rose, Bella"

"Hi Rose" I gave a crooked smile.

"Ugh" She said, slinging the towel over her shoulder and winding her wet hair into a bun on the top of her head.

"Be nice Rose" Edward said, "What are you doing here anyway?"

"None of your beeswax" Rosalie snapped, "You're not bringing a girl upstairs Edward, so you can just turn around"

"Sorry?" Edward spat, "Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can do? My mother?"

Rosalies eyes tightened. She wagged her finger at her brother, "This is just perfect! Typical Edward, breaking the rules so we all suffer. What do you think will happen if Mom and Dad find her here? We'll all suffer the consequences. Just get out of here Ed!"

Edward said nothing, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me after him up the stairs. Rose shouted after us as we went into his room and slammed the door behind us but he didn't say another word.

I sat on his bed. His room looked different in the daylight, one huge window wall with a view of the forest, the other covered from ceiling to floor with shelves.

"You have so much music" I said, running my finger along a line of cds.

He considered that. Then he moved closer to me, a smile playing on his lips.

I pressed play on the cd player, curious to see what music Edward would have playing during his alone time. Strains of classical filled the room.

"You complete nerd" I stated dryly, but inside feeling thankful. The guy had depth.

He moved closer, that smile broadening into a grin as he took my hand and led me to the bed.

I fell back onto the soft comforter and Edward crawled on top of me. It was my favorite place to be. His shoulders tensed, his hair falling foreward, he looked so fucking sexy.

"You look so sexy" I told him lifting my head to meet his in a passionate kiss.

A loud knock on the door interrupted us and Edward sprang off me like an acrobat, leaning back against the far wall like he'd been there all along, "Yeah?"

Rosalie shoved the door open, glaring at me as I sat on the bed pretending to flick through a random magazine.

She launched a missile at Edward, a phone.

"Tanya for you" She said and then gave me a smug smile.

She flounced away.

"Hello?" Edward spoke into the phone, giving a little cough, "Oh hi Tanya"

My stomach went into knots, I waited for Edward to do that 'I need to take this call' gesture and leave the room but instead, surprisingly, he came over and sat right next to me on the bed.

"Uh yeah Tanya, no I've just been busy... Okay yeah thats fine, I can bring my car - makes sense I wasn't going to drink anyway... no just to make sure you get home okay... Yeah, I'll wear a tuxedo" He listened to her for a good while then, and then he stood up.

I felt my skin blanche as he suddenly walked into his bathroom and shut the door behind him.

I could here his low voice arguing then, and getting louder and then finally he shouted, "There is no need to be such a fucking bitch about it"

He walked back into the room, throwing the phone onto his bed.

"Fucking Rose" He said and stormed about for a minute with his hands on his hips.

"Screw this" He said, "I'm not going to that mother fucking prom"

My heart soared.

Then he continued, "Ugh, I have to though!" He placed his hands behind his head and stretched his back out, cracking his neck. I shuddered at the sound.

"Just go and give her a good night" I heard myself say, "Its her prom"

"Rose told her I had 'some girl' back in my room" Edward said, crossing the room to throw himself across the bed, laying his head on my lap.

"So?"

"Now Tanya is all 'you better not be going home early' and 'this is my special night'"

"Oh"

He smacked himself in the forehead.

"Dammit" He kicked the bedpost lightly a couple of times with his foot, "I hate this"

I frowned, "Hate what? I don't get it"

"This whole fricking world of my sisters and their fricking friends. They treat me like I'm a puppet. The cheek of that red-haired bitch to start in on me about what I will or won't do. I feel like ringing her back and telling her to find someone else to go with her."

"Then do." I tried to look breezy, "I mean Edward if you don't want to go..."

"I don't _want_ to" He exhaled sharply, "but if I don't...? My life will be hell and right now one night of hell with that asshole is looking better that weeks of Rose and Alice on my case. They think they are my parents, its always Edward? what are you doing? Ed? where are you going? I wish they would just piss off, what I do is none of their fucking business but somewhere along the line they got the idea that it was..."

"You're their little brother, thats all" I stood up and linked my hands around his waist. He relaxed into my embrace, kissing the top of my head.

Then he defiantly marched over to his door and turned the lock.

"Now for you..." He said with a huge grin, moving close and backing me up to the bed. My legs hit the mattress and I fell back. He slid his body up mine.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck and looked deep into his eyes, my grin so wide it hurt.

"Fucking just do me Edward"

"No problem"

***


	39. Chapter 39

Jacob was in my house when I got home. I came through the door, holding onto my books with my chin after yet another spill and he was just standing there.

"Jacob!" I exclaimed after blinking a couple of times, "What - How come you're here?"

He barely looked at me, "I'm waiting for your Dad, we're replacing the wheels on his car....He is just gone to get some beer"

"Beer?" I frowned, "Not that I can talk but Jacob, you're only seventeen... Charlie would never let you drink"

Jacob flinched, "Its just for him" He said, looking awkward and out of place in my sitting room.

I nodded, chewing my lip. I hated that Jacob and I were so awkward, I mean it'd never been smooth sailing but this was just painful.

Jacob coughed and looked at his feet. He started scuffing at the carpet with the toe of his boot. I felt so awkward.

"Okaay so I'll go to my room then" I started to turn.

"Bella wait..." Jacob stopped me, "No stay. Here. How are you?"

"Oh" I turned back, "Um...I'm fine Jacob, how are you?"

He blinked about ten times in that second, "I'm cool" He licked his bottom lip, catching it with his teeth and looking up at me with his dark soft eyes, "You still with Cullen?"

"Oh, uh...yeah actually, I am."

He nodded, as if he was really thinking about that.

"He is a real shit though, you know Bella" He dropped his eyes.

"Really?" I allowed sarcastic tones to flood the word, "And how the hell would you know?"

"I just know" Jacob said, "He is a user and a prick"

"Who did he use?" I confronted Jacob, "Come on Jacob, if you know something about Edward that shows him as anything but the wonderful guy I know then I think you owe it to me to tell me"

"I don't owe you anything" Jacob whispered half under his breath, then said "but I will tell you - only purely because I care about you though"

"Who or what is the problem then? Tell me"

The muscles in Jacob's jaw hardened, "You know Leah?"

"Clearwater? Yeah, so?"

"Well, last summer Edward was hanging around in town and Leah had just broken up with Sam, you know the whole Emily thing. Anyway Edward totally took advantage of her and just fucking used her and then totally ignored her the next day"

"I don't A. believe it and B. care" I said defiantly, "Cause guess what Jacob? You're pathetic coming here and trying to put Edward down just because you feel bad that it didn't work out with us. Who fucking cares what or who Edward screwed a year ago? Who gives a shit?"

"You know why he completely ignored her though?" Jacob pressed, "Because he had a girlfriend, one of the Denari girls - real nice guy, huh?"

"How the fuck do you know the Denari's anyway?"

"We sell them shit for their stupid interiors shop"

"Oh" I didn't know where Jacob thought this conversation would go. I had flinched a bit at the thoughts of Edward with one of the La Push girls, but it was ages ago and it was none of my business. If anything I felt glad that he hadn't bothered with her again.

"Tanya was never his girlfriend you know" I stated firmly but with as soft a voice as I could muster, "Just one of those family friends that you can never be totally blunt with"

Jacob looked defeated. I wished I could split myself in two and have Edward and make Jacob happy too. He had been so sweet during our ridiculous fling. I really liked him too. I liked how he was so tall and broad. I liked his face. I liked the way he kind of laughed with his eyes when telling a funny story - and he always had a funny story. I liked how he thought I was great, even after all the awkward and downright embarrassing moments.

"Well, don't say you weren't warned" He said, his voice breaking slightly.

"I won't"

We stood glaring at each other for a minute and then the glares faded to just looking. He reddened slightly on his cheeks.

"So how are you anyway?" I asked.

He didn't answer, just shrugged, "I'd be better if we were still...you know...hanging out"

I melted a little, "Jake..."

"Its fine" Jacob shook my sympathy off, "I just wish I could say the best man won"

The front door swung open and Charlie came in then, shaking snow from his hair and clutching a box of beer.

"I'd better get those snow chains on that truck of yours Bella, its coming down out there"

"Thanks Dad" I said still looking at Jacob.

Jacob turned his eyes to Charlie, "Where are the chains, Chief Swan? I can do it now, I will put your car up on blocks then and we can get those wheels off"

"Thanks Jacob" Charlie replied and instructed Jacob on where to find the chains for my tires while he headed into the kitchen and put the beer into the fridge. I loved the sound of beer bottles clanking as Charlie put them in the fridge, it reminded me of being really little and coming to Charlie for Christmas. Renee had always wanted me for Thanksgiving but for Christmas I was always Charlies. I remembered the fuss of putting up the tree, Charlie was never the most artistic and it would look like Santa had puked in our hallway. Christmas morning was always great, the Christmas list faxed from Renee would have made its way under the tree with army precision. Renee would always pack me a little present from her for Charlie and he never opened it when I was there. Even in my littlest days I'd known that he still loved her. It had made me so sad even then.

My mom had never been satisfied with happiness. She had always wanted more, the thrill. She had given up life in Forks and a man who really loved her for the big city, a job in retail and a boyfriend who was ten years younger than she. I'd always wondered was it rainbows she was chasing. I knew she enjoyed being the one who didn't stick around, the one who didn't settle for small town life. The girl who left Forks, the one who chose her own life instead of the life it was presumed she'd have. She would say, "I'm Renee Higginbotham, I was too special for little Forks".

But then I'd look at the photos of my mother with Charlie and I'd see a sparkle in her eyes that wasn't there now, a turn at the corner of her lip that I missed. It was though she'd left something back in Forks when she ran away to the big wide world. I wondered was that her heart.

Jacob and Charlie left then, to work out in the garage, and so I headed up to my room. I lay on my bed and tried to remember which one of the native girls was Leah Clearwater, and a vague face came to my mind. Dark eyes and long black hair, she wore it in a thick plait. I remembered she was sexy in a tomboyish way. It stung that Edward had been _there_. I hated having faces to his past flings. I hated thinking of him being how he was with me with someone else. I hated the possibility that some other girl would be lying on her bed in the future trying to put a face to _my_ name.

My phone beeped.

**I can't wait until**

**tomorrow.**

Jesus, little texts like that made the blood rush to my clit like you wouldn't believe. I just couldn't wait to get Edward inside me again, from the second I left him. It wasn't like a drug, he wasn't a fix - he was like air. He was like the outside after years in prison. He was the way it should be and feel. Like I'd been living underground and had just discovered a trap door.

I typed a message.

**Come get me.**

I expected a message back immediately but there was an unusual delay. Probably in the shower, or making a sandwich.

Eventually there was a reply and instead of what I expected, which was the usual _Be Right Over_, it read,

**I can't I've loads **

**of shit to do.**

I felt so weird reading it over and over. Then I reread the original text - I must have misunderstood, he means he is looking forward to tomorrow where as I had thought he meant he wanted to see me before tomorrow.

Then as I sat there thinking it over, and feeling a bit foolish, it suddenly hit me - the message _wasn't for me_, I already knew Edward wasn't going to be around tomorrow - he had Tanya's prom to go to.

A sick feeling flooded through me. I suspected the message was for Tanya and it just felt so wrong.

I text Edward without thinking,

**Nice one. Hope you**

**and Tanya have a **

**great time. You sent **

**me her message.**

**You Fucker. **

Then I stormed downstairs, my bedroom suddenly feeling chaotic and claustrophobic. I got a message back immediately.

**What are you **

**talking about, it **

**was for you.**

You know that sixth sense, the one that tells you, screams at you that things aren't right or true. That was leaping around the room in front of me singing _It wasn't for you-ooo wasn't for you-ooo_. I just knew the first text hadn't been for me because I _knew_ Edward and how he was when he was with me. When he said he couldn't wait he meant that literally, otherwise the message would have said something else about tomorrow. The fact that we had no plans tomorrow proved that it was meant for someone else, most likely Tanya. My head swam.

I text him.

**Well if it was for me**

**then what is it that**

**you can't wait for?**

His answer was so fast I wondered had he it typed before I had even replied.

**I was being **

**sarcastic about**

**the prom!!??**

It was plausible, in fact the relief was instantaneous. I pushed all doubt out of the room and into the street. Jesus what was my problem.

I really needed to calm down, what I'd put myself through in the last few moments was for nothing. I had Edward, he'd told me that, I could feel that when he touched me or even looked at me.

So why was I so insecure? It was getting worse everyday since our first shag. I felt more panicky, more needy than I ever had in my life. Even though the guy I wanted, wanted me just as much, I felt completely out of my mind. I supposed the thoughts of losing him, the thoughts of it ending just frightened me so much.

Now I had shown myself to be suspicious. I was _other girls._

Fear swirled around my heart, and clutched at my stomach. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy or some shit like that. I wanted Edward so much that I was going to push him away. I knew that I just needed to relax, not let fear get the better of me. Something deep inside told me I might not win that battle.

I sent a message back.

**Shit. Don't mind**

**me. I'm an asshole.**

xx

It was a half hour of sheer hell until Edward texted back again. I was climbing the walls, staring at my phone. What did this delay mean? It was unbearable.

Then that beep beep. Oh thank god. I got high from the sound.

**Cool.**

My stomach turned. What did _that_ mean? How was this happening? I was sitting on my bed with clammy hands, going from ectasy to misery in a second. That one word was so ambiguous, it meant everything and absolutely nothing. My throat constricted and I wanted to cry but instead I just headed for the shower.

I needed to get myself off. I needed to relax. My insides were hot and I could almost feel my individual organs as the anxiety took me over. Over what? The word Cool?

Standing naked in cascading water with the shower head pulsing water against myself felt comfortable. I was old Bella for a minute, the Bella who didn't care about any guy in particular but just wanted sex.

I willed myself to be her again, nothing could hurt me then.

An orgasm buckled my knees and I moaned, my face pressed into the cold white tiles.

Then I wrapped myself in my huge toweling robe and went downstairs where I could hear Charlie lighting a fire. Jacob was gone, I'd heard his truck reverse and drive away.

I curled up beside the fire, tucking my feet under myself.

Charlie tousled my hair on the way by me to the kitchen, "He's a good boy that Jacob" He said, matter of fact.

"I know Dad" I agreed. Jacob was a good boy, a good man, but he didn't light my fire like Edward did. There was nothing I could do about that.

It was about an hour later that I shuffled into the garage to get my iPod from my truck. I leaned across the seat to the glove box and saw a CD lying on the dash. I retrieved it and ran my fingers over the Sharpie writing on the plastic jewel case.

_For Bells, miss you - Jake x_

I didn't know why tears fell from my eyes. He'd made me a CD and that made me feel so incredibly sorry for myself. I took myself back to my bedroom and shoved the CD into my computer. The playlist popped up with a numer, no track name - Just one song. I paused before I pressed play, half terrified it would be some bump and grind or worser still hip hop about how fine my ass was.

Of course it wasn't and as the lyrics filled the room they absolutely broke my heart and made me cry for everything I wished I felt for Jacob and everything he must feel for me. I knew the song, but I'd never listened to the words properly before and I'd never heard this version. I was sure it was Bryan Ferry, he was singing the Bob Dylan song '_Make you feel my love_'. The words hammered home what I'd suspected.

_I know you haven't made your mind up yet_

_but I would never do you wrong_

_I've known it from the moment that we met_

_No doubt in my mind that you belong._

_I would go hungry, I'd go black and blue_

_I'd go crawling down the avenue_

_There is nothing that I wouldn't do_

_To make you feel my love._

Jacob was totally _in love_ with me.


	40. Chapter 40

The night felt like a thick blanket over my face as I lay in bed that night. I'd listened to Jacobs song for me about fifteen times in a row. It was so sincere, so sweet. I felt so confused, I wanted Edward - Edward made _me_ happy, but there was a side of _me_ that wanted to make _Jacob_ happy.

Sleep came in flits and spurts. Dreams were weird montages of running through water to get to Edward. In one dream Jacob helped me swim to Edwards waiting arms, but then looking back I saw Jacob drown. I had woken sweating after that one.

Eventually Saturday morning came. I lazed around my room for a while, on the internet catching up with my friends back in Arizona. An email from my Mom, as usual sent before she'd meant to, halfway through a sentence and not signed off. She'd think she'd never sent it, and type it all out again later.

I ate breakfast watching the tv. For reasons even unknown to myself I didn't want to text Edward. I just wanted to wait until he text me. So I wrapped myself in the woolen throws in the den and watched tv for hours.

My mind raced, waiting for the text message or call was torture. I kept checking my signal, my alert tone. I typed out a million texts to him and then erased them all again.

I started to doze off, somehow finding peace within my resilience.

Then at about midday my phone buzzed under my leg and I took a deep breath while I clicked read.

**Look in your **

**truck. Jacob**

Shit I should have texted the guy to say thanks, but I was afraid of what he would say back. I fucking hated the position I was in. I wished I had never started anything with Jacob at all. Now he was bordering on pushing his luck and I would be forced to hurt him again.

I thought it over before I replied,

**Thank you for**

**the CD Jake,**

**Bella**

Harsh? Oh well, I pressed send and just sat there, my stomach turning.

There was no reply.

***

I was sitting on the front step, watching little kids making snowmen and enjoying the fresh cool feeling on my face when Edward pulled up outside my house. I felt my pulse race, and a hopefulness come over me.

I said nothing as he walked up the drive and stood in front of me, squinting in the light.

"Hi" He said looking confused.

"Hi" I replied simply. He looked so sexy, black jeans, boots and a thick navy hooded jacket.

"What ya doing?" He asked, leaning in and touching my cheek with a gloved hand.

"Jus' sittin'" I replied, and gave him a little smile.

"Do you want to go for a spin?" He nodded toward his car.

"Sure" I said, feeling like I hadn't seen him in years.

Edward drove straight to the little old church yard at the end of Quilleyate. It was one of our spots. I'd never felt anything but horny when we'd pulled in before but now, for some ridiculous reason, I felt dirty.

I couldn't put my finger on it but something was off. Our usual routine was marred. I reckoned that my jealousy was making more out of his promise to Tanya, but was I being silly? Or was Edward just having his cake and eating it too?

Whatever the reasons for my sudden aversion to being driven to a carpark purely to screw, I felt that way and couldn't shake it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to make my voice smooth.

"What do you think?" Edward smiled seductively, leaning toward me, "I want to screw your brains out"

I pushed him back, "Is that all I am to you Edward? A chance to get laid?"

He looked so shocked. I stared at him.

"What?" He said thickly, his voice incredulous, "Where the _fuck_ did _that_ come from?"

"Well, its just that we never seem to do much else but fuck each other"

That wasn't true, but I felt like I was trying something out, experimenting with words and feelings to just see what would happen.

I couldn't rationalise it, and even as I was doing it I knew I was playing russian roulette with my own heart.

"What is up with you these days?" Edward started the engine, "Hell Bella are you PMSing or something?"

I didn't answer, just shook my head. I was as lost as he was.

I thought Edward was driving me back to my house, and I ran through ways to get out of the mood I'd set but I couldn't. The relief when he kept going to Forks main street and parked outside the cafe was immense.

"Lets go have conversation" He said curtly as he opened my door, then he leaned close and whispered, "though I've been thinking about getting you naked all night"

I swung him away from the door, "Oh fuck it" I said, grabbing his head by his hair and forcing him to kiss me.

"Hang on hang on" He said pulling away and pushing me off him, he was laughing, "you wanted something other than passionate fucking in the back of my car so you got it" he whispered into my ear, sending my head spinning and my abdomen tight with lust.

"No I totally take it back" I murmered, the electricity firing off us making me hot and horny.

"Nope. Nope. Nope" He attempted to walk around me but I grabbed him around the waist, giggling into his jacket and pushed him back to his car.

"Get in, drive me somewhere" I said

"Well... if you're sure" He quirked an eyebrow, catching me round the waist and practically carrying me like a carpet to his car. He opened the passenger door with his free hand and threw me in to the seat. As he walked back around the bonnet, he looked like a cat who got the cream. The spring in his step was so sexy.

We drove back to the churchyard.

Barely parked and I was on him. His breath catching as I grabbed his ear lobe in my mouth and sucked it, letting out those little gasps that I knew drove him wild.

He threw open his door, jumping out and into the back seat as quickly as he could. I followed, barely inside before I was at his clothes, needing to get to his bare skin. He pulled my top over my head, sucking at my nipples as he exposed them. I wriggled out of my jeans. He opened his and pushed them down.

I couldn't get on him fast enough. The sensation of his dick plowing into me sent me out of my mind. I pressed my tongue against his and held him so tight as he lifted me slightly off his lap and began to thrust.

It got hot in the car, it got foggy. I couldn't stop the deep moans that came from my belly, it was like Edward was deeper than he ever had been before.

He dropped his hand and found my clit with his thumb, I arched my back. The pressure was overwhelming and I didn't think I could take it. I leaned back. Edward grabbed me roughly by the hips and began to move me up and down, his eyes closed. I grabbed his head into my breasts.

_Faster. Faster. Faster._

The orgasm that pounded through me was vicious and furious and I roared Edwards name, overcome by the feelings of ecstacy. I collapsed onto him, my hair damp from sweat.

"Shit" was all he said.

It took me a minute to lift my head from his shoulder, "What?" I said seeing how wide his eyes had become, "Edward - what?"

"The rubber..." Edward looked so confused, "its _gone_"

I looked at his dick. Naked and raw.

Realisation dawned, "Is it in me?" I asked.

He nodded. Then a quick flash of...what was that...revulsion?

"What should we do? Should you...get it?" I asked him, unsure of how to procede with this kind of thing. Was it mannerly to involve the other or politely excuse oneself and go fishing solo.

"You'll have to do it" His face was grim, "Shit. I'll drop you home."

I sat there in the passenger seat, feeling abandoned even though he was right next to me. It wasn't my fault but Edward seemed so pissed off. I just couldn't understand what was happening.

"I'm on the pill Edward" I said, "and you're the first guy I ever..."

He shook his head, "I'm not worried about any of that shit Bella, I just got a surprise thats all"

But that didn't feel like all. I felt vulnerable and idiotic. I felt Edward should have been comforting me, instead he just stared out the dash window. So I just stared out of mine.

"Will you wait for me?" I asked, as we pulled up outside my house.

He hesitated, "I've so much to do..."

I stalled, not getting out of the car.

"What is the matter?" I asked. I touched his hand, "What the hell did I do?"

He looked up at me, "I don't know Bella, it just feels like the bubble kind of burst"

I stepped out of the car and stood there watching as he drove away.

Then, taking the stairs two at a time, I ran up to my room fighting the sobs. How could he be so cold? It wasn't my fault - it was only a stupid condom. It had ruined the magic for me a bit too, but I'd never ever hurt his feelings. I loved him. I loved him so fucking much.

The thoughts of losing him made my ribs hurt. I needed him. If I lost him I thought I might die.


	41. Chapter 41

**Okay I have told many of you that this story started out as a bit of an experiment and well, then the characters started shouting at me that they wanted a real story and so If a Tree Falls has evolved!! I have still no clue how its going to end up, but I am just going to have to let it happen, whatever happens! Just lets all be TEAM SWITZERLAND on this one! **

**:-)**

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_**Edward POV**_

I didn't know what the fuck was going on in my own head and I just needed to get home to fucking think about it. I drove away, trying to resist looking in the rearview mirror but failing and seeing Bellas little face all scrunched up like she was about to cry.

I was so confused.

Something felt all fucked up since Bella had stormed off over this prom thing. It was so ridiculous. I had to go. I'd promised Tanya nearly a year ago now.

It didn't feel right though. Taking another girl out. I just felt so fucked up. The thoughts of Rose and Alice, and God help me - my mother and father, going on and on about it if I pulled out though...I could hear my father "A promise is a promise Edward" and "A mans worth is only as good as his word".

I had to go. I had to just get it over with so I could focus on Bella. Little Bella. Thinking about her gave me an instant hard on but it was so much more than that too. She was forever material, once we could avoid drama like today. Pulling out of her and seeing that there was no rubber panicked me. It terrified me. Not for any reasons you'd imagine. Not for diseases or pregnancy or anything.

Just because suddenly everything I knew was not what I knew.

I knew Bella and I were magical together. Fucking with her was like music, no elbows and noses banging of anything. It was always so smooth.

That had been the reason that I knew she was meant to be mine. It felt so right to slide up into her and to feel her little chest rise and fall against mine, like I was supposed to be there. When I was inside Bella it was like she became my heart, she was as important to my survival as my own heart. I was meant to be with her.

Now I felt unsure. I chided myself, but I couldn't stop the thoughts. What if I was making it up? What if Bella and I weren't supposed to be together? It felt so right, but now it just felt so fucked up. I could see something come loose in Bellas fix on me, it was like everytime she looked at me, she was asking for something. It got more and more pleading, more desperate in her eyes. In a day everything seemed to have gone from perfect to crazy.

I was terrified she was morphing into a typical girl in front of my eyes. Needy, desperate, demanding. I knew if she was, then it could be my fault. The more I pushed her back the harder she would push forward.

I just wanted it back the way it had been. I didn't like being a prick - I didn't want to be a prick but I felt I was hurting Bella by going to this fucking prom. The stress of not going, what I'd have to put up, wasn't worth it though.

Was I selling Bella out to protect my own peace of mind? It felt that way. I knew if I could just get tonight over with, just get Tanya to her prom and home, that everything could be good again. I could just jump into what I had with Bella wholeheartedly. If I just got this over with, I'd be so good to her. It would make up for everything.

I lay on the floor of my room. The ceiling seemed so high from down there and I was cold. I wanted to ring Bella and say I was sorry for acting how I had, that I'd just been scared. I wanted to cry in her arms, and tell her that I hadn't a fucking clue how to be a man yet but if she was just patient I would try. I wanted to tell her I didn't know which was worse - her being hurt or me being hurt. I wanted her to run away with me, away from Rose and Alice and everyone. Just me and her. I knew we'd be cool, if it was just me and her.

The thoughts of losing her made me thick with rage and fear. I really believed that one this day of shit would be over and done and we could just get back to being together.

I really believed that I could just put Bella out of mind for this evening. Get it over with. Then tomorrow would be perfect, me and Bella would be back where we should be.

Back in each others arms, minds and bodies like one person.

I really believed that.

I was a fool.


	42. Chapter 42

_**Bella POV**_

I couldn't cope all day, the walls of Charlies house felt like they were crashing in on me and I was suffocating. Staring out my window didn't help. I spotted Rosalie and Alice drive by. I convinced myself there was someone sitting in the back seat. I convinced myself I'd seen a dash of red hair as the windows caught the sun.

My own imagination became my worst enemy. I saw Tanya with her hand in Edwards hand. Her mouth on his mouth. I saw them getting hot and heavy in the back of his car. I almost doubled up in genuine agony at that thought. This was ridiculous, I had to trust. I knew that, and yet I was so helpless. I couldn't lock Edward in a room. I had to let him just do what he was doing and somehow hope things would work out.

But I couldn't cope. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't eat. Then at about six pm my phone rang and it was Edward.

"I'm just going now....to pick Tanya up...will you be home if I just drop by for a second?"

I nodded into the phone, then grunted a quick yes.

He hung up.

Ten minutes later I was walking down my driveway, feeling greasy and unkempt in front of Edward who was completley coiffed from head to toe. Emmet peered out from the passenger side eyeballing me with an amused expression on his face. I gave him a nod.

"Yo" He said, raising his hand in a salute.

Edward looked uncomfortable in his tuxedo, though it fitted him beautifully.

"Did you rent this?" I asked, feeling world weary and so tired.

"Yeah" He nodded, "Like it?'

"I suppose"

I felt like this was goodbye. Yesterday had just changed everything for Edward, and I supposed for me too. I was so crazy for him. He had thought I was something out of the ordinary when really I was just a girl.

Maybe that was where we were going wrong.

We looked at each other for the longest time. Then he leaned forward and spoke urgently into my hair, "Tonight is nothing, I love _you_ Bella and tomorrow we'll do something for the whole day, okay? Try and see will Charlie let you stay out and we'll go somewhere for a whole night, just you and me" He leaned back to see my face, "Okay?"

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his waist. Even with those words spoken, something still felt undone.

He hugged me back. Resting his chin on my head and swaying me from side to side. Then he let me go and got back into his car.

He made the universal gesture for 'I'll call you' and they drove off.

***

Twilight, usually a time of day I loved, came like a teasing child in the playground. The fact that I knew that Edward would now be at the prom, with Tanya, making her night special, absolutely killed me. It made me feel all sorts of emotions I had never even touched on. Like Jealousy, in its true form. I was debilitated by it. It actually hurt.

My imagination went into overdrive. I overthought every day of our relationship, analysed every word he had spoken.

I imagined that Jacob had been right about Edward, that he was more than a friend to Tanya. I imagined Emmet and Edward mocking me, laughing at my stupidity.

I wanted him so much. I loved him so much.

I heard my mothers words in my ears '_Love shouldn't hurt and if he is hurting you he doesn't love you.._.'

I knew though that she was wrong, Edward was being the better man._ I was hurting myself_. He was just seeing through a promise. That was to be commended.

***

By nine I was completely out of my mind. Pacing the floor. Agitated. Paranoid. I rolled up into a ball on my bedroom floor and cried as though I had already lost him.

I kept having to shake myself and remind myself what he had said before he left.

He loved me. He wouldn't hurt me. Why didn't I trust him? Did it say more about me than him?

I googled Tanya. Her facebook page was public and her picture surprised me. She was just a normal girl. Nothing too special. Like me. But instead of comforting me, this threw me even further into my madness. I went through her photos online, she looked like good fun, happy, spunky, carefree.

Then the old times album.

Tanya on Emmets shoulders.

Tanya, Rosalie and Alice in a boat.

Tanya and Edward sitting at a table smiling, heads together.

They looked comfortable and familiar. Nausea flooded my body. More photos, Tanya and Alice and Edward giving the photographer the finger. Another of them laughing. There was so many, and I just clicked from one to the other. Jealous of her familarity, jealous of her acceptance, jealous of her history.

I scrolled faster and faster through every picture the girl had posted. The last photo in the set made me burst into tears of rage, it was Edward sitting on the wall of his house and Tanya sitting beside him. It was the look on her face that just sent me over the edge of reason, she _loved_ him.

I just _knew_ that this prom was a plan of hers to get Edward back.

By ten I felt a compulsion to just go and find him. I rationalised with myself that driving by the prom would be a good idea, he might be bored and sitting outside and seeing me would be the perfect end to his shit night.

I didn't allow myself to think it through.

I noted the prom invitation details on Tanyas facebook and just jumped into my truck. Music blaring, I drove with my mind focused. I was going to find Edward. I would say I was just driving around and saw the lights and suddenly thought No way! thats not the prom! - it sounded perfectly plausible in my head.

I pulled up along the road, ignoring the valet parking attendant waving me into the car park. I wanted a view of the party. I just sat in my truck with the window down, ignoring the cold. I just sat there staring, my heart thumping and my stomach dropping into my feet everytime I thought I saw Edward.

Then I saw Emmett pass the outside of the dancehall, sparking up a cigarette and talking on his phone.

I strained my eyes and ears. I thought about driving away, if Emmett saw me first I would look like a stalker. Edward knew me though, he would know I wasn't like that. This was genuine. I had just been passing. I'd seen the prom, I'd pulled over and was just about to text him. It was totally plausible.

Then I saw Edward, his walk unmistakeable even in the darkness, and everything changed.

I felt so wrong, so weird, being here uninvited. My mind raced. I was afraid to start the truck, but I also didn't want to go. It was like a masochistic act. I wanted to spy, to see him betray me. Wasn't that the real reason I had come? I wanted to prove that I wasn't good enough for someone like Edward Cullen.

I watched as he strolled casually along to the bench where Emmett sat and take a cigarette out of the box in Emmetts hand. He flipped it into his mouth and lit it with his silver zippo. He stood with his back to me, pulling his jacket around himself in a gesture to keep warm.

Then I saw her. My heart propelled itself into my mouth and my feet at the same time. Long red hair fell down a bare back. Jesus it was winter for fucks sake. Tramp. A floor length red dress clung to her long legs as she walked toward Edward.

Then in one movement my heart splintered and broke.

She walked straight up to Edward, my Edward, and put her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his shoulder. Then she leaned her face up to his and Edward kissed her on the mouth.

I felt the blood drain from my body. My head swam. I had to get out of here but yet I _had __to stay_.

I wanted to confront him but I wanted to pretend I had never seen it. Oh sweet fucking ignorance.

I sat there, my insides twisted, for about ten minutes watching them together. They just stood, chatting to Emmett, linked around each other. Then Emmett left and they were alone. I watched with horrified eyes and a broken heart as Edward pushed Tanya up against the wall, laughing, and kissed her.

I thought I was going to actually die from pain. My stomach was so tense, and all under my ribs felt pounded. I couldn't get enough breath. My mouth was dry.

I watched Edward take Tanya by the hand and lead her back into the dance..

My hand shook as I text him.

**I see you.**

**I hate you.**

A couple of minutes passed and then I watched as Edward flung himself running through the doors of the dance hall, coming to a stop when he saw my truck. His eyes were wide and his face was completely white.

I watched him in my rearview mirror as I drove away. My eyes were full of tears and my throat was thick and painful.

I had been so stupid, if I'd never come here nothing would be different. I would still have Edward. He would still be mine.

Curiousity had killed the cat. By coming here I had opened Pandoras box and I could never close it again.

I blinked my eyes tightly and wished I could be back at the start of this journey, in my driveway debating whether to go or not. When I opened them though I was still where I had been, looking in my rearview mirror at Edward Cullen.

He looked like he had seen a ghost. I supposed, in a way, he had.

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**_Phew... are you all there? I'm terrified I'm going to get a hail of abuse for this chapter and I do understand that its not what most of us, including me, wanted. I'm afraid the characters just took over!! This is what had to happen. Don't worry please though - there is an EPOV next that might settle your stomachs. I totally know how loyal lots of you are to Edward, and I am too - but in this story he is just a stupid 17 year old boy so... well I had to go with the story as it kinda wrote itself!!_**

**_Reviews are wonderful, though I suspect the ones for this chapter will not be happy ones!!_**

**_Hope you won't abandon us! We will come good - I promise!_**

**_xxx _**


	43. Chapter 43

_**Thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, I was so grateful that you blamed Edward and not me!! He has taken on a mind of his own and I feel like I am just the typist now! **_

_**Stick with us, we appreciate you more than you can ever know.... Oh and now? **_

_**Reviews kick Edward in the balls so keep em coming!!**_

_**xxx**_

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_**~EPOV~**_

Stopping by Bellas on the way to Tanyas prom was a stupid idea. Emmett was such a dick, he'd convinced me it was necessary to keep her sweet, "promise her the world and she'll just take it on the chin".

He'd spent the whole morning antagonising me, I suppose I just wanted that to stop so I'd agreed. There was only so many kicks to the balls and elbows to the chest I could take.

It had been a bullying tactic. Telling Bella I loved her and bargaining with her to just accept things. Telling her we'd be back to the way we were if she'd just accept this one thing. I could see it in her eyes, she was so hurt.

So I was _that guy _after all. The one guy I didn't want to be in Bellas eyes.

I should have told Tanya to find a new date months ago, from the day I first met Bella. I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but I'd just put it to the back of my mind. I'd brought the subject up, albeit hypothetically with my father and he had just given me a stern look and said "You've known Tanya your whole life Edward, those relationships are the important ones"

I knew he was wrong then, that was such bullshit. I didn't argue though, I couldn't face the _Oh Edward_ face and the ten hour lecture on what a letdown I was. I hated seeing through my father. He was an asshole, of the highest fucking order. He swanned around, Dr Cullen, big hero. Yet something told me that he was more pomp than actual importance. I mean Forks Community hospital? Hardly the top of his field. He enjoyed the celebrity in such a small town, the control. The man had a fucking God complex. That smug look on his face as he lectured me, used to make me sick now it just made me want to punch him.

I was letting Bella down, to save myself. I was selling her out to save my own sanity.

Then on the way to the prom, my mother rang. She told me very sweetly but very clearly that I was not to do one single thing to hurt Tanya or make her night anything but the best night of her life. She had spoken to Rose about this new girl I'd been seen with but I better not allow some thrupenny fling to get in the way of such an important friendship.

I had just agreed quickly, got off the phone.

I felt like so fucking trapped. I shouldn't be doing this. Why couldn't I just stand up for myself? They couldn't have forced me to go.

Tanya looked good when I picked her up but I couldn't fancy her. I'd always lusted after her, she was pretty and a good shag, but not now. Not since Bella.

Now she just looked cheap. She'd chosen a red tight dress, cut down the back and pushing her tits up and together. As if they weren't noticeable enough. I used to like them, but now they seemed so big and unnecessary.

Mrs Denali had made me change my bow tie to a red one to match Tanyas and there had nearly been a scuffle between mother and daughter as to who would get to tie it. I felt like a puppet and I fucking hated myself.

Emmett had pissed himself laughing through the whole ordeal. Then he'd punched my balls on the way to the restroom. I didn't _hate_ him, he was too fucking dumb for that. It was more of a pity mixed with desire to see him in severe pain. I used to daydream about just fucking beating him to a pulp. It would never happen, he was twice my size and like a brick wall.

We'd left for the prom then, as soon as her mother had video taped and photographed every angle of us. Then we'd picked up Tanyas friend Kate, who Emmet was taking.

The prom was as shit as I'd thought it would be. Lame ass music, a room full of Newton and Stanley replicas. My worst nightmare.

It would have been bearable if I'd been here with Bella. We'd have made fun of all the tacky decorations and then found a little corner to hide ourselves away.

I wished she was here. I would dance with her. I thought of that night she'd been drunk in Port Angeles, her little shoulders twitching to the beat, her head swaying. I'd have given anything to be back there now.

Tanya was having a good time, dancing with her friends while Emmett and I sat at a table. Then she had come back across and sat on my knee. I wanted to shrug her off. I wanted to stand up and scream at her to get the fuck off me.

It wouldn't have been worth it.

I knew Tanya well, she would have started crying and run off, ringing Alice and Rose and complete mayhem would have followed. At least that was her modus operandi so far in our relationship. We'd never gone out, just fucked a few times - I always threw the word Fuck Buddy around but I knew she would have taken more if she'd have thought I'd give it. The Cullens and the Denalis went on holidays together, to remote places and so it was just comfortable to get a few kicks with Tanya.

We were the same age, she was good fun. I did suspect she felt more for me, as in actual feelings, than I ever had for her. The way she laughed extra hard at my jokes, and constantly referred to how everyone expected us to end up together.

I would laugh extra hard at that.

However tonight, and especially after the warning from my mother, I was going to have to play the game. The girl had never done anything to me, and I genuinely didn't want to ruin her prom. I also didn't want to have to deal with her dramatics, or my sisters. They'd probably come down here.

The last time I had brushed her off, she had cried for hours on Rosalies shoulder. We'd been staying in a cabin in the rockies so it wasn't even as if I could get away. I'd been the bad guy for the whole vacation then. No-one would even look at me without grimacing in disgust. Edward, evil Edward.

I tried to avoid Tanyas advances. I pretended to find something interesting in the decorations. I turned to talk to Emmett as her face got closer and closer.

Then Emmett had left for a smoke and I'd quickly followed. Thankful for the break. I kept seeing Bellas little face in my mind. This was all just so wrong.

Tanya had of course followed. She had put her arms around me.

"You know Emmett what would make my night perfect?" She had said to my brother.

"What would that be Tanya my dear?" Emmett had cracked his fingers, a look of absolute joy crossing his face.

"If this brother of yours would just give in and give me some sugar" She'd said, turning her face up to mine with an expression of utter happiness.

Emmett had laughed, "Well Tanya, why don't you ask him yourself?" He'd grinned at me then. _Always the prick_.

I'd clenched my jaw. It was a lose lose. If I said No, my life wouldn't be worth living. If I said yes... well I would never be able to look Bella in the eye again and that would change everything. Sure, we'd never _said_ we were exclusive, we'd never even discussed the fact that we were having a relationship. But we both knew we_ were_. I loved her. She loved me. That was all that we'd ever needed.

Tanyas delight started to wane in her eyes. Her face began to show signs of disappointment and in that one second I just closed my eyes and kissed her.

_Bella would never find out, she didn't need to know._

_It meant nothing. _

That was the thing to remember. I thought about that eternal question - _If a tree falls and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound_? This was exactly like that. If Bella didn't know about it, then it had never happened. I convinced myself. _What she doesn't know cannot hurt her._

I loved Bella.

That was all I needed to tell myself as Tanyas tongue pushed its way into mine.

Emmett coughed and I stopped the kiss. He stood up, "Eh I think I'll leave you two alone".

Tanya giggled, and then she hummed into my ear, "Edward, tonight will be so special, thank you for coming" and kissed my cheek.

I shut myself down. Closed my eyes, closed my mind.

I pushed Tanya into the wall and, with all the feeling of a robot, kissed her. She responded by pushing her tits into my chest, and dropping her hand to my dick. I pulled back a bit from her face, keeping my eyes closed the whole time and said' "Lets take it slow Tanya, we have all night".

Feeling relieved that she agreed, and making a mental note to avoid being alone with her at all costs, I took her hand and brought her back into the dance.

When I felt my phone beep I hoped it wasn't Bella. I couldn't handle a sweet text from her.

Not now.

Tomorrow would be so good, if I could just get through this night without having to lie to her. Even if she asked me how it was going I wouldn't be able to stand it.

When I saw her name I considered just dropping my phone into the nearest bin. I could say I'd lost it.

But I couldn't _not_ read it. I pressed my finger to the button. Read.

I cannot explain in words what happened to my body when I read the six words. _ I see you. I hate you._

It was like the room did a 360 and then I was spinning against it.

My mind just _fucking exploded_.

_She sees me? Is she outside?_

I just fucking ran for the door, shouldering it open.

I saw her truck. Then I saw her. Her little face like a white flower in the darkness of the cab. She was crying.

My feet wouldn't move at first, and I tried to call to her but nothing would come.

Her truck moved. Reversed a little and then she began driving away. Everything span into slow motion. I couldn't breathe.

Agonizing pain tore through my chest. My heart felt as though it was being pulled away from me.

As the truck drove further away, it was though there was ropes attached to my heart and it was being dragged through my chest wall. Then she was gone and my chest felt completely empty.

The loss was unbearable. My heart. My heart.

This could not be happening. How had I done this?

I collapsed to my knees and then I just lay down on the road. Rain dashed against my face and I just lay there, on my back, getting soaked through. I heard Emmett call my name, I heard him run to me. But I did not move, I just fixed my eyes on the heavens and lay there.

In the grave I had dug for myself.


	44. Chapter 44

_The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out  
You left me in the dark  
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight  
In the shadow of your heart_

_And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat  
I tried to find the sound  
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,  
So darkness I became_

**~Bella POV~**

The rain was coming down and pelting my windscreen as I drove away from the prom. I thought how apt. A funeral of sorts.

I wished I had never gone. I wished and wished. _PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease._

I wanted the doubt back. The reality was too much to bear.

I headed toward the beach, where a small marina cut through the estuary that formed Quilayette. I wanted to look out at the sea, to gather myself, and I knew there was a car park there by a wooden pier.

I drove past Jacob's house, and on down to the pier. I parked at the chain-link fence.

Then I collapsed into myself. Sobs racked and hurt my ribs. My eyes burned and my throat gulped for air. I let it all out. My devotion to something that had never existed felt like a betrayal in itself.

I thought I was going to be sick and so I opened the door, leaning out into the rain and the air. It felt comforting.

I screamed Edward's name out into the ether. I wanted him to appear, to shake me from this nightmare. I wanted everything to be different, but there was no going back now. My only hope was that he wouldn't hate me for being a stalker and dump me. I didn't care that he'd kissed Tanya. It was just one kiss, who cared? I had done more than that with Jacob.

_But that was different._

No, it wasn't! I'd already started things with him. It was exactly the same.

_You're wrong._

No, I wasn't. Edward didn't mean it. He couldn't have meant it. He loves me. Me. He probably got carried away in the mood of the dance. Maybe Tanya threw herself at him, he was only a man - weren't they helpless to their hormones.

I didn't cry after that. I just sat staring out at the black whipping ocean. Not many thoughts crossed through my disturbed mind.

It was all just like a montage of moments in my life.

My mother packing for me, I was so small and whispering "Come on Bella, we're too big for this small town".

Charlies face at the door watching us leave.

My mother crying the whole way to Arizona.

My mother holding her head high as she got a job in a local 7-11. "This is my time now Bella" She would say.

I had dreamt of Charlie every night back then, just his face as we left. It haunted me. I thought about my arrival back in Forks and the hug he had given me at the airport, it felt like he was afraid to squeeze too hard in case I disappeared.

Different sequences passed through my head.

Then Edward. Edward laughing at me, with me. Edward's face pressed to mine. Edward's hugs, his hands, his mouth.

It seemed all so surreal. I knew though that he and I were meant to be. We were so perfect. Everything worked so perfectly together. Even holding hands felt so how it should feel.

I took a huge breath and started the truck. I was going home, I would text Edward to say I was sorry and he would come over. We'd talk, he'd say she meant nothing and everything would be fine. This pain I felt now would be gone and I would be okay.

My exhausted body struggled to push the truck into reverse, then I looked over my shoulder behind me and pressed the gas.

A huge jolt of electricity went through me, as in a split second I registered what I had done. _I'd put it in first gear._

The truck bounded forward, breaking the chain-link fence like cobwebs and the truck teetered on the edge of the pier for just a millisecond.

Then my truck, with me in it, plunged into the icy cold water.

The windshield smashed, breaking on impact and suddenly there was a whoosh of freezing pain and pressure to my chest and face.

I was underwater.

I struggled, unclipping my seat belt and smashing at the door lever.

It wouldn't budge.

I could feel a sense of calm come over me, I tried to roll the window down but I was out of air and energy.

The last thought to cross my mind, as the brine flooded into my lungs and something grabbed at my hair, was _so this is how it all ends_.

***

* * *

**_A/N No its not over, someone saves her of course! Lyrics above are Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine - check out their myspace - its the most perfect song for New Moon the movie!!_**


	45. Chapter 45

_**First of all thank you thank you to Mrs Moth! ... she knows why! Check out her story Broken Flowers - it is nothing short of brilliant!! You'll love it!**_

_**

* * *

~Bella POV~**_

_So this is death._

_Cradled like a baby. _

_I wonder which ancestor this could be, come to meet me and carry me to heaven._

_I am a papoose, across the shoulders of a giant._

_In a far away place I could hear someone roar with grief. She is dead._

_I am dead._

***

I fell through the blackness without thought. Slowly, eventually sensation flooded through me. I could feel my heart. I could feel the weight of my bones in my skin.

I was alive.

I opened my eyes, not surprised to find myself in a hospital room. A bright light and wires above me, a monitor beside me.

Charlie hovered over me, touching my arm with his warm hand, "You're awake" His lip quivered, "Bella we nearly lost you honey, but you are going to be fine"

I nodded. My throat and lungs ached.

"Jacob got you out, sweetheart" Charlie said, reading my mind.

I tried to sit up but pain surged through my chest and shoulder, "Jacob? How...?!".

Charlie shushed me and I relaxed again.

"You've broken your collar bone" he explained.

"Dad" I whispered, "I wasn't trying to kill myself"

Charlie looked amused, "We all know that of course, sure Jacob told us exactly what happened, I think the poor boy is quite traumatized to be honest - seeing you struggle to get out is all he can talk about"

"Where is he?"

"He is gone home with Billy" Charlie smiled softly and patted my hand, "He broke his elbow trying to smash the window so he has been here all night too, didn't want to leave till you woke up but his dad insisted"

"Oh" I couldn't really process anything but the pain in my shoulder and the fire in my lungs.

Charlie kissed my hand, "Now you try to go back to sleep Bells, I'll be here"

I closed my eyes, images of the swirling water haunting me. In the flashes of memory I could make out a face at the window, in the darkness. I'd thought it was an angel. It had been.

***

Charlie took me home later that day, no real harm done was the prognosis. My arm was in a sling, I had to take steroids for my lungs but that was all. Not too bad for a near death experience.

My mother had called, she was on the next flight out of Phoenix and would be staying in a hotel just out of town. Charlie had insisted she could stay with us but she didn't want to, she said she'd prefer the hotel really so he dropped it. Then about twenty minutes later she'd called back and said that actually she would stay if that was okay. Charlies face had brightened and he'd fussed around getting her bed made up. My heart just broke, seeing that.

Jacob came straight over the minute he'd found out I was at home.

He sat facing me for a long while, rabbiting on about his elbow and how the doctor had said he must have a really high pain threshold.

He looked so young, sitting across from me with his arm in a blue sling. His eyes were red and puffy, and I thought he must have been crying all day.

"You okay?" I asked, my voice crackling and making me cough.

"Me? Its you that nearly..." His eyes, those soft puppy eyes, filled with tears and he wiped them away roughly with the back of his hand.

"Jacob, don't" I said, feeling my throat become thick and gesturing for him to come closer. I pulled him into an awkward _one-arm-each_ hug the second he got close enough, "I'm so sorry" I whispered.

"Bella, I'm sorry" He pulled away and dropped his eyes, "I should have got you out faster"

I put on my best WTF face until he looked up. He tried not to smile back, but one broke through. He rubbed his face with his palms.

"How come you were there anyway?" I asked, tracing the fringe on the couch with my index finger.

"I was in the porch and saw you drive by" He admitted, sitting down heavily on the floor in front of me, "I didn't know what you were doing so I followed you, I was walking over to ask you when your truck bunny hopped and well, you hit the water"

My stomach churned at the memory.

He continued, "What else could I do? I had no time to call anyone, so I just jumped in...Bella you were so..."

"Wet?" I offered, making him giggle.

"No you dork," He played with the laces on his tennis shoes, "it was so dark, but I could see you - in the window - you were fighting and fighting, and all I could think about was _don't let her lose_. I just had to, had to get you out"

I shuddered at the story. I had been a ghost down there, and Jacob had brought me back to life.

"Then suddenly I just had you - I pulled you by your hair first, you were so light, and then your arm. Then I tried to get you out of the water but I couldn't lift you high enough to get you onto the pier so I had to swim us to where I could get the ground under me. We got a bit bashed around but we made it"

"You made it" I said quietly, "I was just a passenger"

He smiled, "I ran all the way home with you, I thought you were dead but I ran anyways"

"You carried me?"

"Yeah" He looked at me shyly, red blush rising on his cheeks, "but you were so fuckin slippery and well...thats how you broke your collarbone...sorry!"

"You fucking dropped me?"

"Yeah, a couple times actually"

I hiccoughed then, and the sound was so random in the midst of our drama that we both burst out laughing.

"I can't believe you dropped me" I scoffed, playfully punching my saviours arm, "some hero you are!"

He stood up, towering above me. "I'm not a movie hero Bella" He said seriously, "I'm the real thing" then he laughed out loud.

"You donkey" I said

"Yep, thats me!" He pretended to punch me but just traced my jaw with his fist, "carrying you around on my back and all"

I stifled a yawn, suddenly feeling exhausted again.

"You're tired" He said, "and I'm gone" I tried to protest but he silenced me with a stern look.

"Jacob!" I called out as he opened the front door, "Thank you...I..."

"It was nothing" He said, showing his palm in a goodbye and then he shut the door behind him.

***

I slept for the day, waking only to find myself being hugged by my mother and then shushed back to sleep.

The second time I woke the memories of before the accident began to filter through and I just wanted to go back to sleep to avoid dealing with it. Sleep would not come back to me though. So the ache crept in, sitting just beneath the sharp pains in my lungs and shoulder - nagging at me, taunting me.

Edward had betrayed me. He had kissed Tanya, I had seen him do it and I could never change that.

But I wanted to see him, I wanted to be in his arms. I just wanted to forget about the tanya thing and my spying and move on. I wanted, I needed him.

"Dad!" I called out, but it was my mother who hurried into the room.

"You're awake!" She sat down and stroked my face. My father clattered down the stairs, ashen faced, "Everything okay?"

I looked at him, "Yes Dad, relax, I just need my phone"

"Your phone? Why honey thats in your truck"

"Okay well, would you mind just getting it for me? I need to use it"

Charlie looked amused, "Well sure no problem sweetheart I'll just go get my snorkel..."

Oh right. My truck.

Regret singed through me. My lovely truck.

"Is it... you know?"

Charlie nodded, "They'll take it up out of the water, but Bella it won't ever drive again"

I burst out crying. In one night I had lost the two things that were mine. Edward and my lovely old truck. The truck could not be salvaged, but I hoped I could save what I had with Edward. I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted him.

My mom fed me soup and then cuddled into me as tightly as she could without hurting me, and we watched movies together. I loved resting my head on her lap, she would curl my hair around my ear and it was so familiar a touch that it calmed me completely. Charlie stayed upstairs, "Give you girls some alone time" he had said as he leaned on the banister with his foot on the first step. But he had hesitated a fraction of a second after that and I knew he was leaving us because he couldn't take being around Renee. I could see it in his face. Poor Charlie.

I saw so much of him in me, I knew I would love Edward forever in the way he loved Renee. I just hoped that Edward might love me back.

***

The evening drifted in and I was feeling more relaxed, though I really needed to see Edward. Fear prevented me from calling his house, I had no mobile and there was no point in using my moms. She would only ask questions and bug me over my secret texts, it was easier to just leave it.

My mother's mouth was in a firm line, one I knew to mean there was a '_chat'_ in store. She took ages to work out her tactics when she thought I was having problems. She was my best friend, but sometimes she saw the need to be my mother and she took that job very seriously.

Eventually I just snapped, "Jeez mom what? You are obviously winding up to something, just spit it out"

Renee feigned ignorance but then blew air through her teeth, it was going to be a serious 'chat'.

"What has been going on, Honey?" She asked, "Charlie says there has been some sort of crazy love triangle"

I raised my eyebrows, "Seriously? Mom thats bullshit" I laughed it off, "there is no _guy_ let alone _guys_..." I wasn't lying. My face wouldn't betray me. I hoped.

"Not Jacob?" She queried, "Bella if you are having boy trouble, thats one thing but boy trouble that ends with you nearly drowning in the ocean... well thats another thing. I mean if you and Jacob...I mean how come he was right there Bella? huh? if there is a thing with you and Jacob, I'd like to know.

"No" I shut my eyes, the very sound of his name in my head sending me catapulting back to the night before, where my memories, of what Edward had done, sat in wait to pierce me, "Mom please..."

My mom sensed not to push me on it and instead started rabbiting on about her new job and her colleagues and before long hours had passed.

Just as it was getting to that time, and my mom started to clear up the cups from our hot chocolate, there was a short urgent knock on the front door. My mom didn't seem to fussed by it, and made her way to the door casually but my heart started beating hard. I imagined it would be Edward standing there.

My premonition came true. After a few whispered words between he and my mother, suddenly Edward was standing in my sitting room. His hair was wildly standing on end and he raked it with his fingers, his eyes glued to mine.

"Bella" He said, "Bella I really need to talk to you..."

***


	46. Chapter 46

_**~Edward POV~**_

_Do you cry out in your sleep_

_All my failings expose? _

_Get a taste in my mouth_

_As desperation takes hold_

_Is it something so good_

_Just cant function no more? _

_When love, love will tear us apart again_

I'd just fucking left the prom after everything happened. I got up from the road where I had lain for an eternity and gone straight in to tell Tanya I was leaving. She begged me not to, then demanded I didn't, she cried, she slapped my face, she even tried to hold on to me as I walked out of the building.

Emmett went fucking insane, banging on the bonnet of my car cursing me out.

"You fuckin' pussy Ed!" He had roared, booting the door as I drove around him.

Tanya ran into the street as I drove away, a big red face and a look of absolute fury on her face.

"You'll pay for this Edward!" I heard her scream, _fucking Medusa._

I did not give a shit.

I drove for home. Driving past Bella's house was hard, seeing Chief Swan running out and getting into his car, siren on, and speeding off. Some emergency that had left Bella home alone. The lights were on downstairs in her house. I tried to drive past but then pulled over. I just had to see her now, I couldn't go through the night not knowing the outcome of this mess.

I must have knocked on the door for a half and hour. Keeping sketch on the street for Chief Swans return. Two ambulances flew by. Some poor bastard must be completely fucked out there to get two ambulances in such a small town.

I texted, I rang her phone. I could hear strains of the TV through the door and I bent down to look through the gap in the blinds. I was sure I could see the outline of Bella lying, wrapped in blankets, on the couch but the angle was bad.

I hissed through the crack, "Bella!" Nothing stirred.

I just stood there. Knocking, calling, texting.

Eventually I just shrugged and left. Either she knew I was here and she just didn't want to see me, or she was asleep.

Either way I was freezing my ass off.

I made my way home.

***

As the sun peeped over the tips of the trees, I realised I had not slept one wink. My mind had just spun all night with possible excuses and ideas for winning Bella over again. Much as I knew I deserved it, I balked at the thoughts of having to pay any penance. I hoped she'd just let me say I was sorry and go straight back to our perfect little bubble, as it should be.

That was the main thing, I just had to win her back. It didn't matter what she said, or how long she said it for.

I needed to know I would get with her again, feel her little tits squished against my bare chest.

I closed my eyes and thought about her smell, and her mouth which was always so much hotter than mine. The way her tongue flicked across my teeth and then dove deep into my mouth to twirl around my own. Her eyelashes would flutter when my hand got anywhere near her underwear and she would start to make the sexiest 'ssss' sound with her teeth. Once I got my fingers in there, she would just yield. Her body would go limp and she would give in to me. Those seconds were like heaven, making my way down to open her trousers fully and pull them down, revealing her slim legs. Pale sweet legs that would wrap themselves around my hips and encourage me to push in to the warmest softest place I knew. The safest place.

It was as if, during those minutes as I pushed into Bella, and heard her little soft gasps of pleasure, I became more than just me. I became something other than just Edward. I was_ her Edward _and that was a position I didn't want to give up without a fight.

Being with Bella was all I needed. Everything in my life was so shit, except for this one little sanctuary.

Risking that had been so screwed up, I could see that now. I just needed to have Bella know I knew that, and hope she'd just fucking forgive me.

I stayed in my room most of the day, waiting for a text back from her and getting nothing. I felt so hollow.

Emmett walked in the minute he was up and upturned me out of bed onto the floor with one hand.

"You. Are. A. Pussy." He had stated and then held me down while he allowed a drop of spit to lower gradually from his lips until it landed in my eye. I didn't bother struggling. I just lay there, resilient, staring at him thinking about the ways I would get him back.

I used to do little bits and pieces to satisfy my need for vengeance. Stealing his homework. Blowing my nose into his clean towel and leaving it looking perfect for him to grab when he got out of the shower. Texting his friends from his phone, that was the most fun, I'd write stuff like 'Just sitting here thinking about you Man' and 'Glad you're in my life', stuff that would just give off a slightly less than the manly vibe that Emmett strove to maintain. Something just odd enough that they'd ignore it but maybe suspect he may be dancing on the other end of the ballroom. I only ever did this shit once or twice a month, Emmett was too fucking thick to even notice. It gave me a feeling of regaining some of my power at least.

Around Seven I couldn't stand looking at the walls anymore and decided to go for a walk. I just needed to move.

I borrowed my dads overcoat and wore joggers under my jeans. The wind was cutting as I walked into town but I needed to think and the warm false air in my house was suffocating.

The first place I went was Newtons store, demanding a pack of Marlboro from zit face himself, Mike.

'No problem Dude' He said, hopping to it like I'd lit a fire under him, "Here take a lighter too - on the house" _Brown noser._

I threw some dollars at him and went to walk away.

"Mad about Bella huh?" He said and I nearly smashed his fucking skull in for mentioning her name. My ears started ringing.

"What the fuck do you know about it?" I growled balling my fists up, how did this little prick know anything about what had happened.

His skin blanched and he stepped back, "Hey dude, the whole town is talking about it, you know what they're like... its big news"

"What's big news?" I said, stepping forward one step and lowering my face so I was looking at him from under my brow.

He got real upset then, "Uh man... Bella. Dude, do you not know?"

I grabbed him by both collars and leaned right into his face, "Know what?"

"Bella...last night...she drove into the sea, tried to kill herself man" He stuttered, the smell of his breath making me sick.

I couldn't help myself, I threw him backwards and he fell against the shelves, knocking cans to the floor.

"Relax dude, she is okay, she didn't die man" Mike called after me as I left.

I fucking walked out of there so fast and once I was out of town I fucking ran home.

I didn't even go in, I just jumped in my car and sped away. I needed to see her, she couldn't have been trying to kill herself. There was no way. Bella wasn't unstable. I knew there had to be a mistake. Newton was a gossiping little prick. Whether he was wrong or not though, something bad had happened to Bella and it was my fault.

I rang my father.

"Dad its Ed, I need you to tell me what happened to Bella Swan who was admitted there last night"

"Edward, I'm at work"

"Yeah I know, I'm asking you about work, a girl called Bella Swan was brought in last night. I need to know if she is okay"

"I'm quite busy Edward, can you call me later?"

"She's a friend from school, Dad, please-"

He hung up. My brain went tight. Why did my dad have to be such an "ASSHOLE" I shouted and banged the headliner of my car with my fist.

I called the hospital itself, "Hello, my name is Edward Cullen...yes thats me, Dr Cullens son...no not the football player, yeah the other one, oh hi Hilda, yeah yeah course I remember you, em...can you help me? I'm trying to find out about a Bella Swan, Isabella maybe, who was brought in last night? Sure yeah I'll hold"

Oh it was an eternity. Then click.

"Hello Edward?"

"Yes, hi Hilda" my heart was beating so fast.

"Edward, Bella has been discharged honey, nothing serious really just a bit of water in the lungs and a broken collarbone!"

"What...what happened?"

"Oh honey, it was a terrible accident, Bella's car apparently jumped a gear and she and it ended up in the marina. Poor girl, thankfully one of the native boys, Jason? No...maybe Jacob Black, was there and got her out."

My heart escalated and nearly galloped out of my chest with a mixture of giddy relief and furious jealousy.

"Thanks Hilda...yeah see you soon"

Fucking Jacob Black again. So Bella had run into his arms again. FUCK.

I drove to Bella's street. I sat a ways down the block and watched the comings and goings. I saw Jacob with his arm in a sling arrive with his dad and go in. I sat there fuming, thinking murderous thoughts until I saw him leave.

I saw a woman, must be Bella's mom, jumping out of a cab and sprinting into the house. Her and Charlie did this half hug thing on the doorstep and when she skirted past him Chief Swan stood there for a minute staring into space. I ducked down in case he'd see me.

Eventually I figured there was not much chance anyone else would call and took myself across the road. I knocked on the door.

Bella's mother or Renee, as she introduced herself to me, stood in the doorway for a minute.

"I'm just here to see how Bella is" I said when her raised eyebrow prompted me to speak.

"And you are..."

"I'm Edward" I said slowly, embracing the lack of recognition in her face as a sign that as far as this lady went, I was not necessarily a bad guy...yet.

"Hi Edward, Bella has had a huge shock, and was just about to go to bed, you know, so maybe you'd be better seeing her tomorrow"

"Please, Mrs...Renee" I said, "I just need to see her for one second, I just really need to see she is okay"

Renee looked at me, her face softening a little. I could almost hear her wonder who I was to Bella. I hoped she wouldn't ask. She didn't. "Ten minutes... Edward, and then you are out of here"

I nodded, trying to show my gratefulness on my face.

Renee opened the sitting room door, waving me through and I walked in.

Bella was sitting on the couch by the fire. Her hands held an oversized mug of something hot and she looked up at me. In her eyes I saw it all.

I saw what I had done. I had been such a fucking coward. Put my own comfort before Bella's heart. I had broken it. Just to avoid a bit of shit from my family I had abandoned and degraded what I had with her. I was a complete asshole.

_I didn't deserve her._

I moved into the room feeling like I was suddenly underwater.

"How are you?" I said, "Jesus, Bella, I only just heard from fucking Newton"

She nodded, "I didn't try to kill myself Edward, just so you know"

I grimaced, "I didn't think you had"

We looked at each other for a while and then she said, "Edward, I...I don't want to lose you but...what you did..."

I crumbled, "Bella, oh Bella I am such an asshole, I'm so sorry - I never meant for anything..."

She started to cry. Little tears plopped onto her cheeks and my insides twisted, seeing that I was the prick, the loser, the _coward_ who was the cause of those tears.

"What happened last night?" I asked, gingerly sitting beside her. I felt like I was walking on an ice lake, and needed to be cautious with every move. One wrong step or a step too soon and Bella could snap.

"Ugh. It was so stupid - I put the truck into reverse but it hopped into first, it was an accident. If it had happened anywhere else I just would have had a jump to teach me, but I was parked on the marina so..."

"Jesus" I felt out of control at the thoughts of Bella plunging into the water trapped in her truck.

"Jacob saved me" It came out as barely a whisper.

I struggled against my instincts to accuse her of all sorts, _don't do it Edward_, _think about what you did first._

"How come he was there?" I tried to sound nonchalant. I did not succeed.

Her head snapped up and a look of incredulousness covered her face in a second.

"He just was" She closed her mouth into a little line and stared at me, "What? You want to ask me something Edward? You want to ask me if I ran to Jacob after seeing you with your tongue down Tanya's neck?"

I couldn't help myself, "Did you?"

Bella started crying again, her chest heaving and through gritted teeth she said, "No"

I closed my eyes for a second to refocus and then I spoke, "Bella, I don't care if you did or didn't. I'm just being a jealous asshole, which is fucking rich I know, I know but Bella...I just want you and me to go back the way we were, I just need you...please? Can we?"

She just stared at me for ages. Her eyes dried up and her face relaxed.

Did I have her back? Was she mine again? _Please._

She was just about to answer when Renee walked straight in the room and said, in a loud voice, "Times up Soldier!"

***

_**A/N - I hope to update again by monday morning, I've a few things to do and I also really want to take my time to make sure the ending is the right one. **_

_**Hope you can be patient with me!!**_

_**Thanks for reading and make sure to review! I get such a buzz when I hear from you! xx**_


	47. Chapter 47

My mom wouldn't listen. I tried to make her see, without seeming desperate, that I needed Edward to stay but she just marched him out the fucking door and he was gone. She announced she'd make us some more hot chocolate and swanned into the kitchen. Completely ambivalent to my despair.

I fell apart. My mother, hearing my sobs from the kitchen, ran in and took me in her arms, "What's the matter Bella?" She asked in a hushed voice, "Sssh don't let your dad hear you're upset - he'll send out a manhunt for that boy before you can say one word! Are you crying because I made him leave or did he upset you?"

I smiled into the crease of her elbow, where I lay. She was right, my dad would be loading his gun if he even suspected Edward was the cause of such sobs.

"Its nothing to do with Edward leaving, or anything he said" I just felt so low, the accident paling into insignificance beside the enormity of what he had done to me. I couldn't live without him but I couldn't stop feeling the knife twist in my back every-time I replayed the scene in my head, Edward leaning in to kiss that fucking bitch.

"It isn't nothing" Renee said, "Bella please tell me, its obviously to do with him, you were fine before he arrived"

I considered it. I thought about how I could just tell Renee everything, hand my problem over for her to solve. It was on the tip of my tongue to just tell her but something held me back.

I wanted to be with Edward. I wanted us to be real again, to be free again.

I wanted to hold his hand as we marched up the hill to the meadow, rushing to get there and be with each other. I wanted to feel his hand on my face, as he always did that second before he kissed me. It was like he took a second to check that, yes, it was me before he kissed me. I loved it, the way his eyes would flicker from my eyes to my lips. Then he'd take a deep breath and crush my mouth under his. His hand would trace down my neck to the hollow of my throat and then his mouth would follow. The feeling of his breath tickling my neck was so erotic, it wouldn't be long before I'd be whispering and begging for him to fuck me.

If I told Renee she would see him as the cause of my pain, and like all mothers want to rid me of that. She'd tell me to dump him and then I would have to lie to her. She'd tell Charlie, who already had preconceived ideas about Edward. Then I'd be screwed.

I just wanted Edward, but I wanted to be free of this hurt too. As it stood, seeing Edward just made me remember what he did. It flashed in front of my eyes like a neon sign. The relief of hearing him say he was sorry, and that he wanted me should have been, or at least _I thought would be_ enough to disperse the hurt feelings.

It wasn't though and I just felt so confused.

I sat up and faced my mother, "It is nothing, he was just being so nice to me - I felt a bit sorry for myself"

Renee stuck out her lip like a little child, "Aw...sweetheart, of course you should feel sorry for yourself! You were nearly killed! God, you cry away love, I'm here"

I cuddled in to that comfortable space in the crook of my mothers neck, "Thanks mom".

***

I dreamt of Edward.

His perfect face hanging like the moon in the night sky.

Wind whipping through a forest, I ran barefoot.

Trying to get to Edward.

Wolves howling, a sound so sad it would make you cry.

Edward's mouth moving, saying nothing.

_What? I can't hear you._

The words came clearer.

_I love Tanya._

I woke up. Turning over and smashing my face into my pillow, racked with sobs. My stomach coiled and twisted. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped myself tightly in my comforter.

I was so angry, how could he have kissed her? How could he have just abandoned me like that, for what? I needed to know what he had been thinking, what he was thinking?

I stood out of bed and hurriedly dressed. I brushed my hair and did my eyeliner as best I could with my left hand, no way was I going to look defeated. I snuck downstairs, scribbled a note saying, "Back soon" - I'd deal with that if I was caught. Then I picked up the telephone and dialed Edward's cell.

He answered after a couple of rings, his voice perfectly clear - he hadn't been sleeping either.

"Its me" I said

"Bella, what number is this? Are you okay?"

"Its my house phone, I've no cell at the moment - Edward, can you come get me?"

There was a pause, "Of course" My heart flooded with relief.

***

I was waiting at the corner when he arrived. His hair standing on end and wrapped in an enormous hoody, he looked so glad to see me when I slid into the passenger seat that I considered dropping all charges.

"Hi" He said

I nodded a greeting back, "Where will we go?" I asked, almost testing him, thinking if he drives to a _spot_ its a sign he doesn't love me.

"We could just drive around" He said, starting the engine, "we can just talk"

I was satisfied with that.

The cabin was illuminated by the blue lighting on Edward's dash board and he looked almost transparent in his paleness. The exquisite lines of his jaw and profile had me mesmerized. He flicked his eyes across at me, "What?"

"Nothing!" I smiled, "Sorry, I just feel like I haven't seen you in a long time"

"Me too..." He cracked his neck, "Bella...I am so sorry, I am such an asshole for...well you know...and the fucked up thing is that I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking but it meant nothing...you have to know that...it _meant_ nothing"

I was almost annoyed at him for bringing it up. I'd felt so comfortable in that few minutes preceding and now my stomach was in a knot again and I was angry.

"Edward, it couldn't have meant nothing - you wouldn't put a nothing before us. Unless we are lower than nothing"

He looked across at me, "Bella, its not like that - I just...I was being a coward"

"I don't get it, a coward? What cause you didn't want to hurt Tanya's feelings and be the bad guy? So what about the next time some bitch decides she wants you? Will it be the same?"

"No! No, Bella thats what I'm trying to tell you - it changed everything, I've been taking shit from everyone for the whole day and I don't give a fuck. They can all go to fucking hell - all I want is you now. I don't need any of them. I'm thinking of just getting my own place"

"Edward, you need your family, you aren't even finished school"

"I fucking don't! I'm 18, I can just fucking leave and do what I want, who needs school? I don't need any of them, you are all I care about"

"Well why the hell didn't you feel like that the other fucking night then?" I felt a ball of temper start to roll up my spine, "You fucking chose that _bitch_ over me! You just fucking did what you wanted. After everything, after the risk of being with you! I could have-"

"What? Chosen Jacob?" His eyes flashed, and he stepped heavier on the gas, "Why don't you? Choose that prick if you want. He obviously isn't as big an asshole as I am"

"Oh shut up" I was outraged, "Don't you dare turn this on me! It has nothing to do with Jacob, that was over long before you and I... Edward you scored another girl, you probably fucked her. How am I supposed to feel?"

"I didn't fucking fuck her! okay?" He banged on the steering wheel, "so get your facts straight"

"Fine then, you just rammed your tongue into her mouth"

"It didn't fucking mean anything!"

"It meant something _to me_!"

"Well, what can I do about it? Tell me and I'll do it - anything you want" He suddenly pulled into the hard shoulder and turned to me, his tone urgent "What can I do to fix this? 'Cause Bella, thats what I need, I need to fix this. I want to be _with_ you. Do you want to be with me?"

I stared at him. Was he making me decide now? Could I push this any further or was this an ultimatum?

"Are you giving me an ultimatum, cause you can stick that up your-"

"No! I'm not giving you a fucking ultimatum, Jesus Bella! You are impossible, I'm saying I want to be with you - only you, and I'm asking you how you feel?"

"Edward, you don't want only me! If you wanted only me you wouldn't have been facefucking someone else!"

He sent silent. He glared at me.

"Ugh!" He raked his fingers through his hair, making it stand straight up. He leaned forward, resting his forehead on the steering wheel, "Bella." He said, "I love you" My heart nearly bounced out of my chest hearing those words but I didn't interrupt and he continued, "I was an asshole. I kissed Tanya because I was lazy. I didn't want to deal with my family, I took the easy route to an easy life. I fucking hate my sisters, and my brother is an asshole too. So I just...wanted the easy life. Thats why I did it. I just wanted a break."

I looked at him, so defeated. His eyes were shut as he spoke, his mouth quivered slightly and his breath was uneven. I'd seen Rose and Alice in action, I could only imagine how hard they could be on Edward. It was no excuse, but it_ was_ an explanation.

Now I just had to decide if I could live with that. As it stood I wanted Edward, so much i could barely breathe.

Time would tell whether the hurt would go away, I hoped it would. I hadn't had much stability in my life, living with Renee's whims meant I hated change, and I just wanted continuity. Renee was my mom and I loved her but the way she chopped and changed did not suit who I had become. The flightiness, the boyfriend after boyfriend, the spontaneous decisions that had given her such a rush but had always just flattened me. The constant need Renee had to be 'Someone' - I had never really got that. She had left Charlie, the one person I knew really loved Renee for who she actually was, because of this need to be 'someone'.

She had said to me, my whole life, "I was always too big for the small town life" and it had never made much sense to me, I often wondered did she even know what she meant by it herself.

At the end of the day, however, I simply wanted Edward, my whole body craved him. But inside my head confusion and anger muddled with desire and made me feel so upside down. I just wanted clarity. So I looked to the one place I had always felt it before. Edward's arms.

"Drive to the churchyard Edward" I said quietly, in that moment wanting Edward's touch more than anything. I was willing to forget everything that had happened just to feel it again.

After seeing Tanya with her arms around his waist, I had considered the possibility that I would never feel that closeness with Edward again and it had been like torture. I shuddered then at the thought. I just wanted to feel everything slip into insignificance as it could when I was fucking Edward again.

He stared at me and his eyes glittered. The furrow in his brow fell away and his mouth relaxed.

"You sure?" He asked, touching my sling with his fingers. He attempted a smile.

I nodded, "Just take me to the churchyard Edward....please"

***


	48. Chapter 48

**SERIOUS LEMON ALERT**

**Cover your eyes if you don't want to partake in any citrusy reading. :-P**

**Okay so _all of you_**** are on board then, why am I not surprised? This really is a rollercoaster isn't it? Teen love... who'd have it? (ME! ME! ME!):-D**

* * *

_Keep me safe inside  
Your arms like towers  
Tower over me_

_'Cause we are broken  
What must we do to restore  
Our innocence  
And oh, the promise we adored  
Give us life again  
'Cause we just wanna be whole_

_**Bella POV**_

The church yard was softly illuminated by the moon and the sparkling lights from the houses in Quillayette. Christmas was around the corner and fairy lights adorned the trees along the entrance to the churchyard. Edward turned the car and parked behind the front wall, out of view from the road, and the church itself. In the shadows there he switched off the engine.

He stood out of the car, pushed his seat forward as far as it would go and got into the back seat. It was our usual routine. I followed.

It was sweet relief to be in his arms again.

"Bella" He whispered as his lips traced my earlobe,"Thank god you're here"

He kissed my cheek softly, then my jaw. He hesitated and then softly kissed my mouth. He pulled back to look into my eyes, perhaps gauging my reaction. I smiled softly, I just wanted to give in.

He leaned his forehead on mine.

"Bella. I love you" Then he moved our mouths together and kissed me.

My eyes closed and I inhaled deeply, dragging his scent deep into my lungs. I opened my mouth against his, finding his tongue with mine and explored the length of it. He reacted strongly to that, flipping me in one swift move onto his lap and grabbing my hair in his hands, his tongue thrusting against mine. I moved my hips, snapping my clit into position against his hard on. The fabric of my jeans met the seam of his and I pushed myself as hard as I could against it. My shoulder was protesting but I didn't care - a dull ache was more manageable to quench than my desire.

I undid my jeans, pulling them down to give Edward access and then I dropped forward into the crook of his neck when his fingers found my underwear and slipped inside them. His index finger traced against me lightly, causing me to shudder. I pushed myself away and sat heavily onto the seat, pulling my jeans and underwear off before climbing back on.

I repositioned myself in the crook of his neck, slightly embarrassed by my top-on-bottoms-off state, but once his fingers found my body again, and furrowed in between my legs to touch me, I didn't care.

I pulled at the fly of his jeans and then Edward helped, inching his jeans and boxers down to his knees.

His mouth crashed against mine, the tension in both of us meeting like thunderclouds and he pulled me down onto him with impatience. He entered me in one hard thrust and I arched my back, caught in a moment of ecstasy and confusion. I wasn't able for the emotion that hurled around the car as we fucked. We moved against each other, in perfect harmony but the air was thick with crisis and hurt. I wanted to bite and bruise him. I gripped his thighs with my knees so tightly that they began to hurt. I didn't care, I preferred that feeling to the void that it replaced.

Edward pulled my head back by my hair, growled and took the skin between my neck and my shoulder into his mouth, biting and sucking. Then he moved his head down and ripped at my top with his free hand, his other hand squeezing and pushing my ass down. He sucked the flesh around the top of my tit, pushing it out of its wire and lace and into his hand. He found the nipple then and drew it between his teeth, flicking the tip with his tongue. I convulsed with pleasure, the tingles zigzagging down my spine and into my pelvis. I moved my hips back and forth, stroking my clit against the shaft of his dick with long deep slams to his body. Without thinking Edward pushed against my broken shoulder and I whimpered, a deep tinge of pain leaking through the haze of strong pain medication I had taken.

"Shit, sorry" He mumbled, moving his hands to my waist and pulled me tighter onto him, getting more access, working himself deeper into me by pushing me backwards. I lay my head against the back of the passenger seat and lifted my knees higher on Edward's waist. He pulled one leg over his shoulder and rammed into me. I pushed back with my good arm and suddenly the atmosphere changed again.

Suddenly I fucking hated him. I hated him for hurting me, I hated him for fulfilling his own stupid prophecy. He didn't want to be _that guy. _ He was worse than _that fucking guy_.

I reached out and slapped his face hard, then grabbed the backs of the front seats and pulled my body off and away from his.

His face fell, incredulous. His eyes seeking an explanation. I fucking hated those eyes, he'd looked at Tanya with those eyes before he kissed _her_. I wanted to spit at him. I wanted him to feel as low as I had when I'd seen him betray my trust.

"Eat me out Edward" I said, lifting my hips, "If you can be a fucking whore for Tanya you can be a fucking whore for me"

He stared at me. His jaw clenching and unclenching.

I stared him down.

Then without a word he dipped his head and licked me, splaying his tongue across my clit and sending me into a full body spasm.

"Jesus Christ" I moaned, lifting my body to meet him, wanting less but more at the same time.

It was too much, the sensations were bordering on painful in their intensity but I wanted to use him. Fucking was too much a two way street. I wanted Edward to show me he was able to think only about me. I wanted to have the Edward that Tanya had, the subservient one, the one who obeyed orders for fear of reprisal. The coward.

We never been this intimate with each other, though I had thought about it. Alot.

I had wanted to go down on Edward at some stage, but I wanted to read up on it beforehand. The last thing I wanted to do was give shit head.

I'd also worried he wouldn't want to do _this_ to me and that if I gave him head he would feel obliged and fucking hate it. I'd worried he'd find it disgusting and I'd hated the thoughts of that. I'd considered bringing it up hypothetically first before ever hinting toward it. I mean I'd only got to grips with fucking, and I thought maybe I needed a bit more time to master that before progressing to other areas.

But I really didn't care now.

He mashed his mouth against the groove, and used his lips to press me open and then he pushed his tongue into my body, almost as he would with my mouth. Edward was kissing me, passionately, in the most intimate place. The feeling was unbearable, waves of pleasure whipping across my abdomen and into my legs with far too intense a frequency.

Yet I needed to feel him do it.

He cupped my ass and lifted me higher, his eyes were closed and his brow was furrowed in concentration. He ran his tongue gently along the centre of me, and then began to flick my clit with the tip of tongue.

"Too much. Too much." I rasped between gasping breaths. He slowed down again, pulsing his tongue against me instead, squeezing my ass and then bringing one hand around to stroke my belly with his fingers. He moved them lower, tickling across my bikini line and onto the top of legs. My nerves were spinning and fizzing. All muscles in my body electrified and beginning to pulse.

I exploded. An orgasm twisted through my clit and then shot out and radiated through me like an earthquake. It lifted me off Edward, arching my back and straightening my legs as my muscles clung to it for as long as they could.

"FUU-UU-UCK" I moaned, a huge roar escaping me and I shoved Edward's head away from me with force, "Stop. Stop." I murmured, sinking into the relief as his head snapped up and he let me go.

Then I rolled off him, and without a word put my underwear and jeans back on.

"What are you doing?" Edward hissed, his hard-on clearly defining his question, "Bella! Where the fuck are you going?"

I didn't answer, I couldn't pin down what I was doing any more than he could. I just pushed the passenger door open and stood out into the night air. Pulling my hood up around my face I just marched away. Anger and resentment surging through me, I just couldn't shake it. Edward had put those lips, the ones that had just been closer to me in ways that I hadn't ever considered, against someone else's mouth and used that tongue, that had just been inside me, to make her feel good.

I just couldn't stomach it.

I just wanted to get away. I was disgusted at myself for using him, demanding from him.

I walked to the wall at the opposite end of the churchyard and stopped. Edward's feet crunched across the gravel and he came behind me, snaking his hands under my folded arms to turn me around.

I was eye level to his chest and so he dipped his head down to look into my face.

"What the fuck was that?" He didn't seem angry but he must be. I had just been so domineering. I'd just used him. I treated my vibrator with more consideration.

I stared at him, "I can't do this" I said.

"What?" He stood back from me, pulling his chin into his chest in a defiant gesture, "Can't do what? Be here? You are here. Fuck me? You just did. Love me? You fucking do."

"Shake the image of you and that...bitch from my mind" I admitted.

"Who? Tanya?" Edward stuck his hands into his pockets, "Look Bella, I am sorry, so fucking sorry - if you could look inside my head you would see how fucking sorry I am, but you can't. You can only hear me say it and trust that its true."

He pulled a box of Marlboro out of his pocket, tapped one out into his hand and put it between his lips, "I made a fucking huge mistake, I know that, I kissed someone else, I know that. Out of the two of us I think I have a better grip on how fucked up that was, but I can't take it back Bella. No matter how hard I wish, or how hard I make deals with the devil, I've still done it."

He snapped his lighter and brought the flame to the cigarette, illuminating his face. "Please Bella, please try to see that no matter what way you want to go with this, unless it ends with me and you together then its the wrong fucking way."

I knew he was right, getting over this was the only option. The thoughts of not having Edward in my life was unbearable.

I wanted to scream and kick the wall. "I hate you" I said instead.

"Didn't feel like you hated me back there" Edward said flinching.

"I don't know what I felt back there" I thought suddenly embarrassed at where Edward's mouth had been and wishing that I hadn't had my first experience with oral being such a weird angry one.

"I know what I felt" He stated.

"What?"

"I felt unbelievable." He stubbed his cigarette out on the ground and coughed into his hand, "I felt like I could do anything, go anywhere once I had you and I was willing to have you say whatever you wanted and I would have done whatever you wanted just to fix things. Regardless of why or how...what you just let me do to you, Bella that was amazing. The way you let me see you, all of you and the way you just let me in. It was the best feeling in the world, for you to trust me with your body like that..."

I stared at him, "Well it wasn't my intention for you to like it Edward" I shouted, losing any reserves of cool I had left, "I just wanted to see what it was like to have control of you, I didn't want to be the only person in the world who you're not afraid to let down"

He looked at me like I was crazy and I suppose I was in a way, since I hadn't even complete control of what I was actually feeling and thinking either.

"Bella, what the hell do you mean?" He walked around me and leaned against the wall.

I turned to face him, "Well Edward, you fucked up everything with us, with what we had, in order to keep everyone else happy. Tanya, Rosalie, Emmett. They all came before me. You say you love me, and I love you. Yet when it came to it, you betrayed me for a bunch of people who don't even seem to give a shit whether you are happy or not, and in fact, Edward, openly persecute you. So what does that fucking say? I spend my days looking for ways to make you happy, I care for you, I fucking love you and so I'm the one who gets pissed on? Its not fucking right"

"I know that" He stepped toward me, grabbing my free hand. I tried to pull away but he gripped it and brought it to his chest, "I fucking know that, it kills me that I let you down. Kills me. Bella please, you've got to believe me. Please, I need you...I want you"

I stood there for a minute, trying to think and getting nowhere.

Finally I just shook my head, "I can't think, I need to sleep" I shook out of his grip and walked off toward the car, "Just bring me home Edward"

***

* * *

**Don't forget to leave a review now y'hear? I get such a buzz when you tell me what you think, what you'd like to happen or any other thoughts you have about this little story!! xxx - Lisa - xxx**

**The lyrics are from Paramore - Broken.**


	49. Chapter 49

Edward tried to talk about things on the drive back to my house but I couldn't. I kept telling him to just shut the fuck up and that I just needed to sleep. Thinking was wearing me down, I had a damn headache and my shoulder was beginning to really fucking hurt. Eventually he shut up. The silence was sweet music to my fucking ears.

He dropped me around the side from my house and I stood there until he drove away, before walking across my neighbour's lawn to my front door.

Just as I reached it I heard my name being hissed and suddenly Jacob bounded into view, his finger on his lips.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I whispered as he dragged me back into the shadows.

"Ssssh" He pulled me back across the lawns and around to where his rabbit was parked, "Charlie thinks you are asleep over at my house and he is coming to get you in the morning before he goes to work so that's in like...an hour" He opened the door for me and practically lifted me in to the cab.

"What the fuck do you mean _Charlie thinks_?" I was completely confused.

"He woke up and went to check you Bella" Jacob explained, "Then he rang me - I don't know why really - to see if you had snuck out to meet me. I didn't want you to get in trouble so I just said that you had asked me to come and get you because you were upset and your parents were sleeping so I had. I said you wanted to talk to me about the accident. I told him you fell asleep in my house, thank God you came back Bella – I don't know what your dad would have done to me if he knew I lied"

"Fuck! Can't I just go in now and say I woke up and came back?"

"No."Jacob shook his head vehemently, "He said to keep you there until he got there, he said it was too cold to shuttle you back before daybreak"

"Oh this is just fucking great!"I rolled my eyes to heaven and slumped back into the heavy leather seats of the vintage car, I noticed the headliner had been replaced and there was a retro looking dash where before there had just been cardboard. "Cars looking good" I said.

"Thanks, re-spray next week" He started the engine, a loud growl as opposed to the muted purr of Edward's Volvo. Kind of like they are, I thought. Edward was cool and calm and understated, Sexy as fuck - Jacob was bounding and loud and hot-headed, more friendly than sexy. Ying and Yang.

"How long were you at my house?" I asked.

"Only a little while, maybe half an hour" He flicked his eyes across to meet mine then back again to the road.

"Fucking liar" I prodded his arm, and he smiled but said nothing. I bet he was there twice that time. "Whats with you always saving me Jake?" I asked, joking.

He shrugged and smiled broadly.

Jacob's tawny skin was a deep brown in the streetlights as we drove along. I looked at his profile, smooth and rounded. Everything that Edward was, Jacob was the opposite. Even down to my feelings for both of them.

"Hey where is your sling?" I asked concerned, noticing its absence.

"Ah I don't really need to wear it, my elbow is cracked but no bones out of place and it was too hard to drive with it so..." He shrugged the question off.

We reached La Push and Jacob helped me out of the car, not that I needed it, but he insisted anyway. Then we snuck in the side door and into the living room. I pulled my fists into the sleeves of my hoody and sat into the huge soft couch that faced the TV.

"Comfy" I whispered.

Jacob squatted down in front of me and put his hands on my knees to balance himself.

"Do you want tea or something?" He asked, his voice not a whisper but barely audible.

I shook my head, "Maybe water?" He went to get me some and I was amazed at how quiet he was, for his size. He padded back a moment later with a glass of cold water and it was heaven to drink.

"Thought you'd be gone right off water" He said, the corners of his mouth turning up, "Thought you'd have had enough the other night"

I smiled lazily, "Fuck you Jake" I flipped him the bird and he grabbed my finger, holding it for a second in his warm grip before I pulled my hand away.

"Where were you Bella?" Jacob asked me then, standing up and grabbing a blanket, "Were you with Cullen or what?" He draped the blanket over my shoulders and sat at the other end of the couch, kicking his shoes off and wedging his feet under my thigh.

I smiled at the familiar gesture. This was what I loved about Jacob, he was so comfortable with every situation. There was never any need to read him - he was an open book.

"Yeah, I was with Edward" I nodded, "Just wanted to drive around for a bit..."

Jacob held my eye contact until I looked away first.

"You're lying" He said.

"What?"

"Something happened" He sat up a bit, "I can tell from your face, your little dimple below your eye just went nuts"

I felt a sting of heat in my chest, but I just stared back at Jacob, "What?" I gave him my best WTF face. No-one but my parents could tell when I was lying. The fact that Jacob had called me out on one had thrown me. It took me a second of mind racing numbness to collect myself, "What the fuck do you mean I'm lying?"

He chewed his lip, "Nothing." He said. I was glad he was dropping it. I certainly wouldn't be confiding in Jacob about Edward. He wouldn't get it. He'd make a big deal about it.

"You tired?" Jacob asked, changing the subject, "You can sleep here if you want"

"Nah, not really...but thanks" I said , yawning anyway.

"Here look...Lie down" Jacob pulled my feet up and yanked me into a lying position across his legs.

It was so comfortable, the soft pillows of the couch gently supporting my shoulder, Jacob's warm body cradling my back. I lay there, feeling tiny compared to him. He was such a good guy, and so willing to do right by me - it was a refreshing change.

Then Jacob lifted his hand and carefully and cautiously placed it on my stomach. My skin crackled. Still in the flush from being with Edward, all my sensitive spots were still buzzing and the warmth from Jacob's hand turned them, turned me...on.

His eyes met mine. I shook my head, "Don't. Jake." He moved in, until his face was an inch from mine. I could feel the heat from his breath, it was so fucking warm and...kinda sexy and I thought how easy this could all be. I could just be with Jacob right now and never see Edward again. But my heart, and my poor little clit imploded at the thought of not being with Edward Cullen again.

No.

Jacob's eyes were so black, I couldn't tell the pupil from the iris. They were so comforting to look into. There was a welcome there instead of the challenge I got from Edward. Fucking Cullen always looked like he was about to rip someones head off, even when he was fucking me. His face was so sharp, even his smile looked dangerous.

I was so tired but not sleepy and lying here with Jacob so close seemed the thing to do, I wouldn't fight it. I curled up into him, moving his hand from my stomach and adopting a friendlier, more brother/sister type embrace but he shrugged me back to my former position and caught my eyes in his again.

I couldn't look away, and he didn't look away but he come onto me either. He just lay there, on the couch, holding me to his warm body and looking into my eyes. I knew it would just take one nod from me and we'd be kissing. So I just lay there, staring back. Every now and again Jacob would push a stray hair away from my eyes, or pull the blanket closer around my face but mostly all he did was look at me.

I was afraid to close my eyes in case he would take that as an invitation to fucking pounce, and I was not a hundred per cent sure that I wouldn't just let him. It was a long while but suddenly the sun was up and there was movement upstairs.

Jacob finally sat up and wriggled out from under me. He stood in the middle of the room and stretched, then he muttered something about coffee and left the room.

I dropped my face into my palms. Fuck. Ing. Hell. What the fuck was happening to me? I was starting an internal dialogue which involved the angel on my shoulder whispering how Jacob would be a better boyfriend to choose.

Choose? Choice had nothing to do with it. Edward and I were more than a choice. We were fucking destined.

I heard a car pull up and park outside on the gravel and I leaned up to see Charlie, in his uniform, stepping out of his car and come to the door. Jacob opened it and the two of them came into the room where I was.

"Hi Dad" I said.

Charlie nodded at me, "You okay Bells?" He threw his eyes across Jacob in a half threatening glance. Jacob shifted uncomfortably.

"She's only awake now Chief Swan" He stumbled through the words.

"Why she isn't waking in her own room is yet to be discussed" Charlie grumbled, "but that can wait for now, let's go Bella"

Jacob went to help me up but Charlie moved too and Jacob backed right off.

I leaned into my dad's waterproof police jacket, loving the smell of it and the crinkle of the material under my cheek. He shuffled me out to the car and carefully helped me into the passenger seat, "Dad I'm not a fucking cripple" I protested, enjoying the _tch tch_ that Charlie made against his teeth on hearing me curse.

He said nothing but just shut the door and then instead of getting into the driver's seat he returned into Jacob's house shutting the door behind him.

He emerged about five minutes later. Jacob peered out to me, his face tinged with hot blush and I could only imagine what my dad had said to him.

Charlie sat into the car. Without a word he drove me back to our house.

The fire was lit and my duvet and pillows were arranged on the couch. The tv remote was set on the table and my schoolbag was set within reach.

"Is Mom up?" I asked seeing the display of care.

"Uh, not yet I don't think" Charlie answered and led me over to sit on the couch. I was so touched that Charlie had thought of my comfort coming back to the house. I really really fucking loved my father. He had created such a steady place to fall after my ramshackle of a life with Renee. Sure there were more boundaries, but I knew where I was. I knew where I stood.

"Dad I've a broken collarbone, not back" I protested but he sat me down and pulled my duvet across my feet.

"I'll just get those sock things you wear" he said rushing off to the laundry and returning with my chenille slipper socks that I could not live without.

"Thanks Dad" I patted his arm, taking the socks off him before he would try putting them on my feet.

He stood there for a moment and then with a curt "Bye then" He left for work.

***

My mom woke up late and wouldn't shut the fuck up about how Charlie should have woken her sooner. I was glad he hadn't. It had given me time to just fucking think.

The problem - I was so fucking angry at Edward

The solution – Stop being so fucking angry at Edward

But how? Anger was not exactly something I could control very well. Talking to him and being with him hadn't helped, in fact screwing him had made me more angry. I was just so fucking furious that he had done what he had done to us. For what? To avoid conflict with his family? It was just so..._cowardly_. He said he was past that, it would never happen again but would he have said the same if we'd talked before this had happened. How the fuck could I trust him not to break my heart - again?

I just didn't know if I could take what changes this would mean for me, who I was. I'd never felt so insecure in my whole life. I mean I was the girl who gave my boyfriend another girls number. Now I felt like I had to keep him from contact with any other girls. Compared to who I was before I met Edward fucking Cullen, I was like a whole different person. I hardly wanked any more, I dressed different, I spoke different. I was happy to spend time with my fucking parents for christs sake. It was as if over night I'd gone from _'Chick looking for Dick'_ to _'Dear Oprah, My man has errant ways.._.' It had been so easy before. My life. Just one focus, getting laid. No hassle. Now there was all this complication. All this pain.

It was so fucking unfair.

***

My dad came back at midday with a new cell phone for me. It was cute and purple and he had obviously picked it out for me himself as he knew all the extras it did. He looked so proud when he pointed at the mp3 logo on the box, "Its a walk-man too, but I kind of figure there is nowhere to stick a CD or anything but I'm sure you can figure it out"

I was so fucking amused with that I jumped up and gave Charlie the biggest hug I could manage with one arm. He went rigid first but then wrapped his big arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks Dad" I said into his collar.

Renee coughed from behind us, "Uh...Charlie I'm making lunch? Can you stay?" Her tone was so formal. It amazed me sometimes that these two had ever got close enough to get married let alone fuck, which I knew they must have since I was standing there!

Charlie shook his head, still embracing me, his chin skimming through my hair with the gesture, "Thanks Renee but I've a pile of paperwork..."He trailed off, clearing his throat.

She nodded. I let my father go and stepped back. I looked at my mother, she was still looking at Charlie. He was staring at her. For a moment too long.

I suddenly felt completely awkward, like I was caught in a moment from the past that I had no right to be part of. So I coughed loudly as I sat back on the couch and they both flinched, looking away. Charlie left without another word and Renee left the room muttering about checking the soup. Fucking hell. What. Was. That? My fucking parents getting back into each other? Not that Charlie had far to go, Jesus he felt the same about my mom as he always had. He fucking loved her. Renee on the other hand, though I'd always suspected otherwise, said she had never loved Charlie.

I hated not having control of other people. It made my stomach tense that I couldn't control other people, like little puppets. I would make Charlie tell Renee he never stopped loving her, I'd make her love him back. I'd make Edward never even look at another girl except me for his whole life. If only...

I remembered when I was 15 and I was going steady with the hottest guy in the grade above mine. I really wanted to go all the way with him, even though I'd only actually kissed him a couple of times. I'd wanted him to be 'my first'. I had wished and wished and wished it. I'd wished he would fall in love with me and we'd be together forever. He'd dumped me for another girl, Connie Ford, and I'd been broken hearted. I'd prayed and prayed that he would see the error of his ways. I saw him recently and I was so glad my wish hadn't come true. In the four years he had gone off the rails and was visibly on drugs. Connie Ford had too. My age with two fucking kids.

Wishing for things didn't necessarily make them the right things for you. Wanting something didn't mean you knew what you were doing. Sometimes we were wrong. Sometimes we just needed to go with the flow and stop always looking ahead.

Renee called me from the kitchen to tell me my soup was ready so I shuffled to the table bringing my comforter with me. She plonked a huge bowl of steaming broth in front of me, spilling half of it. Then she sat down, spilling her own soup, and passed me some bread.

"Thanks" I pulled a hunk out of it with my teeth.

"So..." My mother widened her eyes, "You snuck out last night then? Which was it this time who came to your rescue?"

I tried to deny it with my face but then I just shook my head, "Rescue?"

"Yeah Bella" Renee said jovially but with purpose, "Who's it gonna be? Edward or Jacob?"


	50. Chapter 50

**_Okay, I need to explain something before you read this - it appears to be the last chapter - and yes it is the last chapter of THIS story BUT I am already working on a sequel so DON'T PANIC!! You will realise what I am on about when you get down there... *points below*_**

**_There will be an epilogue following this and then that will be that for If a Tree Falls. I've loved writing it, and having no idea where it would go was fun if not a bit frustrating, continuity wise!! Thanks for coming with me! I loved hearing from you all and hopefully you will follow the next story too! I should have chapter one up soon._**

**_Thanks for all the support xxx MLWE_**

* * *

**~Bella POV~**

And so I told Renee everything. All about Edward and me. About Jacob. I fluffed over the hardcore bits but I definitely let her get the whole picture.

She nodded, and hummed and hawed as I spoke. Then when she was sure I was finished she looked up to the ceiling for a long time before she finally spoke.

"It has to be Edward" She stated clearly.

"I know" I nodded in complete agreement, "its not even as if there is a competition...I mean I like Jacob, kinda love him in a friend way, but Edward....its a whole different ball game, its so strong...its just this thing with Tanya..."

'Bella, honey." My mother pressed her palm to my cheek, "You are so young! Now is your time. Now. You need to get everything out of life that you can, grab it by the horns and don't let go no matter what. Edward is where the excitement is, where the adventure is. Take it from me Bella, settling is not even an option."

I felt relieved. My choice was the right one. Edward. Edward.

My mother continued, "I mean sure, what he did was stupid but he is young too Bella. Just let it go, you aren't married. And you deserve the roller-coaster. Oh Sweetheart, you deserve to feel it all. From the tips of your toes to the tip of your head." She sighed, "Oh I wish it was me....so exciting. First love." She sighed again, piling the bowls together, pushing her seat back and standing up. "Bella. It has to be Edward."

She left the room with the dirty dishes balanced in her hands and I heard the clank-clank of dishwashing begin.

I sat there. It _had_ to be _Edward. _

I went and got my phone.

**Hi**

Less than a second.

**Hi you.**

I smiled, my stomach releasing a thousand butterflies into my blood stream.

**Come over and**

**get me, you fucker**

A second passed. There it was.

**On my way.**

_Oh Edward fucking Cullen what you do to me._

I ran upstairs and scrubbed my face, changed my underwear and threw my comfy jeans on with the tightest top I owned. I shook my hair up with my fingers and redid my eyeliner.

Then there it was, the familiar toot of a Volvo horn outside and I ran around my room looking for my pill packet which I found, not a moment too soon, in my sock drawer. I popped one and bounded down the stairs.

"I'm going out for a bit" I called into my mother and she answered by peering her head out the half door and wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"Enjoy every minute of all of this Bella." She said, "For me."

I nodded and skirted out the door and down the steps.

Getting into Edward's car nearly broke my heart with a surge of excitement and all sorts of amazing feelings. I was so over it. I didn't care anymore that he had kissed someone else. I just grabbed him and kissed him. When I was done I slumped back into my seat, running my hands over the velour with delight.

"What do you want to do?" He asked me, flicking his eyes off the road to meet mine for a second.

"Anything" I said cheerfully, "I don't care once we're alone"

"My house then" He said, "we can hang out, my parents are away again."

"They away a lot?" I enquired, loving the way his teeth caught the side of his lip, he always did that when he was horny.

"Yup" He said, "conferences, or whatever. Probably swinging." He laughed.

I laughed too, probably a bit too hard but I was so happy and excited. My choice had been made, I was over the anger. Everything was back to how it had been. Edward and me. Me and Edward. How it should be.

Coming closer to his house and I began to get really impatient for us to be there already and taking the whole day to just make each other feel good. I wanted to feel his mouth all over me and I really wanted to give him something back. It would be the best sex we'd ever had. I just knew it. I wanted to just give him everything.

"This is going to be amazing"I said, feeling so horny I couldn't stop myself moving on the seat. I passed my fingers across the crotch of his jeans and heard him catch his breath.

"Fuck Bella, what I _won't_ do to you" He whispered, half under his breath.

"How long are your parents gone for?" I asked, squeezing his thigh and wishing we could just get there already.

"Two days" He said, running his hand up my extended arm to my shoulder. He massaged my neck and then ran his index finger down the rib of my top to my tummy, flicking my nipple on the way.

"I'm going to annihilate you Cullen, the second we get in that fucking house - you're going down" The innuendo escaped me until he replied.

"I plan to..." He growled, his voice so low I could barely hear it. I nearly came then and there, the anticipation just building in my legs and stomach. _Hurry. Hurry. Hurry_.

Not a moment too soon we swung into the driveway of the Cullen house.

All the anger was gone, now there was only love and desire raging in my body. Every nerve tingled with anticipation of his touch. We had all night. I could deal with Charlie tomorrow - it would be worth it. I'd text him, so he wouldn't come looking for me.

We parked. There was a moment of should we just do it in the car but then we both popped our doors and stepped out into the dusk air. I ran into his arms, he found my mouth and we kissed like we hadn't seen each other in a year. Softly but firmly, finding each other again in that kiss. It was hopeful and sincere and fucking hot as hell.

"I need you to do me right now Edward" I whispered as my mouth passed his ear.

He grabbed me by the hand and we almost ran to the door. Key in, turned. Door open.

We pushed into the house. Giggling and kissing we crossed the hallway, almost fucking waltzing we were that horny.

I was so fucking happy. This was it. Edward was it.

Our feet hit the stairs, holding hands, whispering in each others ears.

"What. the. fuck. is _this_ then?" I heard a sneering voice behind us. Rosalie.

We both swung around at the same time. She stood at the bottom of the stairwell, her hands on her hips. She was so pretty but the expression on her face took away from all of that.

"Fuck off Rosalie" Edward said, his top lip curling up in disdain for his sister.

"You're not bringing..._her._..in here when Mom and Dad are away" Rosalie put her hands on her hips, "Emmett! Emmett! come in here and tell Ed he is not bringing some random girl home"

Emmett strolled in clicking his tongue and whistled as he eyed me up and down.

"You aren't bringing random girls home Dude" He pointed his finger at Edward, "forget it"

Edward started to tense up, I could feel it in his arm which I clung to. Why wasn't he defending me? I was not a random girl. Rosalie knew that, and Emmett knew that too.

"I'll do what I want" He stated, jutting his chin out in defiance.

"Uh...no. you. won't." Rosalie said, with such a fucking nasty expression she just looked ugly.

Edward turned and we continued on the stairs up to his room. Rosalie called after us, shouting how I was to go home or else. Fucking harpy.

Shutting Edward's door behind us was a relief but there was no rush for the bed. Edward seemed agitated and uncomfortable. I pushed myself against him and kissed his chest, knitting my fingers through his and pulling his arms around me.

There was a rap on the door.

Edward exhaled in a long sigh, almost a groan, "Piss off" He said to the knocker.

Emmett's voice came through the door, "Just giving you a heads up you little prick, Rose is gonna ring Mom and Dad if you don't get your little friend out of here"

"I don't care" Edward spat, "Go ahead"

I rubbed circles on his back, this was fucking bullshit. When and where Edward's siblings had got the idea they were his parents was beyond me.

There was quiet outside the door but it was obvious Emmett was still there.

"Fuck off Emmett" Edward shouted, "You fucking weirdo"

The door was suddenly thumped and it shook on its hinges.

A vein on Edward's forehead stood out, blue against his pale skin. He gritted his teeth.

Then he opened the door, "What the fuck?"

Emmett charged knocking him to his back and immediately pinning him beneath him like cattle to be branded.

"Weirdo?" Emmett snarled, "You are the fuckin' weirdo little brother"

Edward struggled, his eyes closed but then he just went completely still, a silent protest.

Emmett slapped him lightly on the cheeks and laughed, "Pussy" He sneered as he jumped up, winking at me and left the room.

Edward just stayed on the floor, his body language and his face showing utter humiliation. I gently closed the door and turned the key and then lay down on the floor beside him, curling my body against his and wrapping my arms around him. I could feel him shaking.

"Edward?" I whispered against his shoulder, "You okay?"

He tried to shrug me away but I held my grip.

I didn't say anything else, I just lay there on the floor waiting for him to loosen up, waiting for him to roll us over and start making out. I waited in vain.

Twenty minutes must have gone by, and we just lay there. I kept waiting for him to relax but he didn't. I pushed my lips into his shoulder, snuggled in tighter, expecting him to give a little but he didn't.

"I suppose we better go then" He said, still eyes closed.

My heart sank, "Go where?"

"I'll drop you home" He said, "They aren't going to let up, Bella, they are just going to go on and on" He sat up and then stood up, "Come on, we'll just fucking go. What's the point?"

"The point is Edward that its none of their fucking business who you have in your room"

He nodded slowly, but was resigned, "It doesn't matter Bella, they'll just fucking make my life a misery - it isn't worth it"

So we left. Unlocked the door, down the stairs, out the door, into the car. I just felt so confused.

It isn't worth it.

_I wasn't worth it._

Everything inside me just crashed and I burst out crying. Sitting in the passenger seat heading back to my house, a complete reversal of the journey over.

"What are you crying for?"Edward said, sounding genuinely surprised, "What's wrong?"

I was incredulous. "What's wrong?"I whimpered through my tears, "What's fucking wrong with you?!"

He said nothing.

I just lost it, "I've fucking had it Edward, I don't give a shit what you have to put up with from those pricks in your family. I'm just sick of you putting them before me, putting yourself before me. It fucking hurt my feelings back there that you just let them talk about me like that. I'm a good person, yet they look at me like I'm some_ slut_. They don't even _know me_. Its not right and you just fucking _let them_"

"I don't just fucking let them" Edward said, his tone clipped as he held his temper, "What the fuck am I supposed to do? You saw how they are, they just won't fucking let up"

"You shouldn't fucking care Edward"

"What the fuck do you want me to do?" He raised his voice and I flinched, "Jesus Bella, it isn't fucking worth it, I can tell you that from experience"

"What isn't worth it?" I asked, raising my own voice to match his, "Sticking up for yourself? Standing your ground? Not letting them treat _your girlfriend_ like that too?"

He said nothing.

The drive home was just fucking shit. I fought against brimming tears but they came anyway. I just looked out the fucking window. How could I compete with this? A lifetime of being bullied meant Edward was helpless against those fuckers. I couldn't change that.

I wanted to be with him so much. I just fucking adored the guy. Every touch, every kiss was so perfect. We were so much in synch. Except for this. His family. A bunch of controlling megalomaniacs.

"Do you want to go to the churchyard instead?" I asked hopefully, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

Edward stayed silent, then he just shrugged.

"Is that a no?" I asked

"I'll just drop you home Bella" He said simply.

My head swam, I sat up straighter in my seat and tried to look him head on, "What the fuck does that mean? What the fuck did _I_ fucking do?" I asked, purposefully allowing anger to seep into my voice.

"You didn't do anything" Edward replied, "I'm just tired and pissed off and I think we should just forget about today"

"I don't fucking understand you" I said, "You are fucking helpless, I didn't fucking have a go at you, Rose and Emmett did. So why are you off with _me_? I think of all people _you_ should be being fucking nice to me, after all..."

"After all what?" His voice was hard, "Oh what now Bella, I'll have to jump when you want me to from now on?"

"What?" I was baffled, "What the fuck are you on? Edward, a half hour ago we were all over each other, now you are acting like we're enemies, I didn't do anything but you are punishing _me_"

"Can we talk about this tomorrow? I'd better get home before Rose calls my dad." Edward asked, a tired tone to his voice, "please?"

"Edward, your dad likes me. He has known me all my life. He wouldn't mind us going out, I know it"

"He would" Edward said, "It has nothing to do with you, he just has it in for me, every move I make is wrong and I would never hear the end of it"

I didn't, I couldn't speak. This was unbelievable. I couldn't rely on anything at that moment. It didn't even feel like Edward fucking liked me. _Rollercoaster. _

We pulled up to a red light and stopped. I tried to get a hold on what I was feeling, I needed to make Edward see what he was doing was stupid. He was taking frustrations out on the wrong person, damaging the wrong relationship. Once again he was choosing the easy road. I suspected it wasn't even a real road. Sure I'd imagine Dr Cullen could be a strict father but I bet that Rose had less power than she thought. Edward was 18. I really felt that Dr Cullen would probably be happy enough if Edward was going out with the police chiefs daughter.

"Why don't you just ring your dad and tell him before she does?" I suggested, "Beat her to it"

Edward looked at me like I was insane. He shook his head and almost spluttered a reply, "Can you imagine what I would be put through if I did that? Rose would never let up then, I'm better off just..."

"Just what? Edward?" I wanted to slap him, "letting her bully you, giving her all your power? You fool"

He snapped his head across and caught my eyes with his own, glittering and dark, "I'm not a fucking fool".

"I don't get it Edward" I said, "you play the big rebel in school, you act the tough guy - you've no problem with that. You aren't afraid of your dad then...You tried your damnedest to get expelled your first week. You don't care what your dad thinks about that.... so why now? Why when its important? Why when its me..."

"I'm not afraid of my dad" Edward stated.

"So its just Rose then" I felt my stomach twist and knot, it almost hurt to breathe.

"I'm not fucking afraid of Rose right?" Edward banged the steering wheel, "I just want an easy life Bella, can't you get that?"

I sat for a moment. I purposefully thought it over. Did I get it?

No.

At that moment I saw a pale blue Volkswagen pull up at the red light opposite. Everything hit me.

My mothers voice came into my mind. '_You deserve the roller-coaster.' _

Jesus! It all just hit me. _My mother was a fucking idiot. _

She had given up the one thing that people search their_ whole lives_ for. She had given up the chance to be with someone who really really loves her, and for what? Some ridiculous notion of a roller coaster ride that doesn't fucking exist.

I realised it that moment. I was building this whole thing with Edward up in my head to be something that it was not. Like my mother had with life outside Forks, with love. She had left everything real and good for an imaginary life that had never and would never exist. She worked in a store. Her boyfriend was an idiot too. She went on and on about being the one who left Forks, and got a life. She hadn't though - she had got _nothing_.

I could see it all now. Edward didn't love me, not in the proper true sense of the word. _ Jacob did._

I knew there was no way in hell that Jacob would allow me to be berated by anyone. He would never _ever_ put himself first with me. He had risked his life to fucking save me.

Would Edward have done that? I couldn't say for sure and that really hurt. He certainly wouldn't have if fucking bitch Rose had been there telling him not to get his tee-shirt wet. I laughed inwardly at that thought.

I just couldn't take this. Edward was just hopeless, helpless.

I looked at Edward's profile. His jaw was clenched. He was not going to change.

"Can we just go back to your house again Edward?" _One last Chance_, "We will just tell Rose and Emmett to stick it"

He shook his head, "Its not worth it..."

Exactly what I thought he would say, but it still hurt like hell.

"You mean I'm not fucking worth it." I said flatly, popping the door. "Bye Edward" and with tears streaming down my face I stepped out of the car.

***

Jacob saw me. He flung his door open and stood out onto the road when he saw me. His face was so concerned when he saw I was crying and I hastened my step. I just wanted to reach him.

I was making the right decision. What I had with Edward had felt so perfect, so right. Maybe that was too perfect. I was 18 for Gods sake, maybe things were supposed to be awkward and wrong. Maybe fucking was supposed to be all messy and ridiculous. _ I didn't know_. That was the crux of this whole fucking mess. I wasn't supposed to know. I was supposed to find out.

I knew one thing as I ran blindly across the road to where Jacob stood, he wouldn't let me down. He was solid. He knew what was worth it, he considered_ me_ to be worth it. He had put himself in my fathers firing line to ensure I didn't get in trouble.

I loved Edward but Jacob _loved me_, and for now that was what I needed. No foolish notion my mother had ruined her life for. Living in Florida with a man half her age, seeking some silly idea of true love, the roller-coaster ride. She had _had_ that. My dad, Charlie had truly loved her. I wouldn't be making the same mistake. I would be where the love was. If that was here in Forks, in Quillayette then thats where I would be.

By the time I reached Jacob I was crying uncontrollably, Edward had just driven away when the lights turned green and the enormity of what I had done was almost unbearable. I hoped Jacob would just take me in his arms like in the movies but I knew, from experience, that life was not a movie and usually what you wanted was not what you got.

Again, I was wrong. I was suddenly lifted into the air and swung into a bear hug.

"You okay?" His deep whisper was at my ear.

I shook my head into his chest.

"Did you have a fight with him?"He asked me, pushing my face back and smoothing my hair, "You want to talk about it?"

"It wasn't a fight" I said looking him in the eye, "We broke up. Well not exactly broke up, I just chose someone else thats all"

Jacob flinched and then stood back from me a bit, "What? Who?" He grabbed his bottom lip between his teeth in anticipation.

I ran my hands up his arms, feeling overwhelmed by my decision but completely happy about it too, I did love Jacob. I always had, just not in the wild natural crazy way I had Edward, I looked Jacob in the eye "You." I said plainly, "If thats okay, I want, I really want to be with you"

He stood there for about a minute just taking that in. Then he nodded, his lower chin quivering slightly and without another word he moved in and grabbed me to his body. HIs arms enveloped me. He held so tight, I felt so safe and completely content, "I won't fuck this up Bella, I promise" He whispered.

I tilted my face back to catch Jacob's eyes, and he looked at me for a moment before carefully and cautiously bending his head to kiss me. The first of many.

And somewhere under that warm hot confused kiss from Jacob I found myself, who I really was, happy and content. With Jacob. Home.

****

**_Epilogue to follow!_**


	51. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

**~Edward POV~**

Losing Bella fucking killed me, but somewhere under all that pain was a weird relief. It was like I knew the timing was all wrong for us. I needed to sort shit out myself first before dragging her into it. I'd known that bringing her home that day was not the right thing to do, and I'd even considered that it would be one step too far but I couldn't handle it. I couldn't change. I didn't even really want to.

Bella had, of course, run straight to that fucking gorilla. Jacob Black. Hero extraordinaire. I watched her cross the road and into his ape arms.

I just fucking drove away. I couldn't look back.

I'd gone home. Five minutes in the fucking place and Emmett was on my back. So I punched him. He hardly flinched and knocked six shades of shit out of me for my trouble but I'd still done it. It made me feel stronger than I ever had in my life. Losing Bella was the kick I needed, and the irony of that nearly drove me insane.

I dreaded school the monday after, couldn't stand the thought of seeing Bella again and not being able to fuck her. So I sorted that out. I went in early on the monday and set fire to the Art room. Sort of ceremonial I thought. Expelled and a suspended sentence. Lovely. My father was so proud.

Rose had actually started shrieking when she'd heard what I had done. I just threw my glass of coke in her face and told her to shut the fuck up. She had. For 24.9 seconds. Then all hell had broken lose.

My father was at 'his wits end' so I made it very simple for them. I just got the fuck out of there.

Jasper, my best friend from Sebs had been fitted out in a little condo by his rich fuck of a father. He'd always been a year ahead of me anyway and now was in college in California though, knowing Jazz as I did, I doubted he did much studying. He had a way of getting away with murder, always had. Charmed the pants off his teachers in Sebs and I didn't doubt in college too.

So I made my way there, drove through the night. Arrived exhausted and pretty much broken hearted on his doorstep. He'd welcomed me with a joint and a husky 'welcome to california man'... I loved the guy.

At first I only planned to stay a couple of days, but that turned into weeks and then months. I got a stupid job playing piano for a ballet class. I got some courage and rang my father and told him I wasn't coming back and why. I heard through Alice that Rose got all the blame for losing me my career in medicine, my father pretty much stopped having any time for the silly cow from then on.

But much as my life was starting over, I still had one defining motivation. Every single thing I did, and every choice I made was spurred on by one thing, one person.

Bella Swan.

_I would get her back_. That was the first thing I thought every morning, and the last thing I thought every night.

If it took me ten years, I would return to Forks and be the guy she had thought I was the first time round.

Of that I was sure.

*****

**Make sure to put me on Author Alert if you want to read the sequel to If A Tree Falls!! I should have the first chapter up this week!! **

**Thanks for reading!! It has been so much fun to write and hear from you all!! Big thanks to my friend Mrs Moth(READ HER STORY BROKEN FLOWERS IF YOU AREN'T ALREADY!)and also to Pam who urged me to put more into this story at the beginning...!! Don't forget to comment - I will always want to hear what you think!! **

**xxxx MLWE xxxx**


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